Zeta's letter was as usual illuminated like an ancient text, little angry snails crawling through winding thorny vines.

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The hate and fury has arrived at Hogwarts, apparently. Did you see that page in the Daily Prophet about 'eradicating werewolves'? I'd send you a copy but they were all confiscated and burned I guess? Luckily all the teachers here reacted in a perfectly reasonable way and didn't tone police or place undue focus on civility. It's so great here. It's absolutely not falling apart. I hope my sarcasm is coming off the page like stink lines.

In reality (or whatever this is), everyone got chewed out by Professor Storm and I got docked house points for speaking 'out of turn' by the Creatures professor, that French prof I told you about.[1] Suffice it to say, Mission: Find Theta a Hot Piece is off. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Advice and commiseration requested. Update on your fancy life in London as well.

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1.	7 Oct 2011 - What Sayest Thou Dear Sister

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I most certainly did see one of those vile things! They were in the copy delivered to the house. I can’t entirely believe that someone got these into the Prophet. It seems absolutely ridiculous. Was it an inside job? I’m not sure. There will have to be an investigation. I hope they find whoever did it, individual or group. Disgusting piece of paper. I shall think twice about my subscription if they do not take action!

Hope you are not falling apart, sister dearest. The Professors never want anyone to cause a scene. I wonder if they knew it was not just something that happened at Hogwarts? The younger years are so impressionable and easy to sway that something like that could really get them following the wrong ideology.

Sorry to hear you had points taken from Hufflepuff with your outrage. He was probably a bit old for me anyway, don’t you think?

Here it was a brief topic of conversation, but rather more that it did raise a query about werewolf legislation and the Ministry’s general position on it. I was sheltered from much of it down in the time turner workshop, but I think poor Penny got caught up in it, given her role as diversity officer. Honestly, she’d have been a gem in SAWS at Hogwarts. Perhaps there should be a Ministry version. MAWS? No, that sounds very silly.

Fancy life in London is not so fancy when you run out of milk and think about apparating to the grocers in Diagon in your jammies. (For the record, I didn’t.) London is grey and dreary as January is. I cannot wait for Spring. Christmas seems an age past.

Mission Find Theta a Hot Piece is still on down here, but I’m not having much luck. Nobody’s really going out for drinks. Everyone’s broke after Christmas. Roll on the end of January when we get paid. It’s bound to be someone’s birthday then, isn’t it?

SPEAKING OF… Mum has asked me for hint for your birthday. It is a bit of a significant one is it not, on the 21st. Only a week to go! If you reply a tattoo she may try and use dad’s wand to curse me, though. They are both well and busy. Dad’s pleased as punch because his old mate, and oh, just the Minister for Magic has commissioned him for an official portrait. I swear we will disown him if he paints this one in the nude like he did Bagnold.

Love you lots, stay strong against the Profs.

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When we found that page at breakfast I immediately thought of Feliks, like it had to be something to do with him. I couldn't imagine he'd done it, but it felt like it couldn't be a coincidence something horrible about werewolves arriving at Hogwarts by owl. I honestly felt a little rotten jumping to that conclusion. We're all supposed to be keeping an eye on him. I hope they figure out who did it, too. Are there any ideas? It had to be an inside job, right? Is it connected to what happened last full moon at the safe house?

Doesn't the Ministry have a werewolf office? I was sure they did. Did they do away with that!?

It is that birthday, lucky me! I nearly forgot. Oh, wouldst I e'er I find pleasure in the passing of the years! Just send money and a portkey. For real wish list: color-changing ink, dancing quill, whatever is new or old by Rosier, and a camera.

Kisses for the parents. Congrats to dad! A tender portrait of Glass's arse is just what this world needs right now! Better than that full moon than the usual kind.

Yours, stranded but immovable and inextinguishable,

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P.S. I saw Witch Weekly's going to have a blind dating lottery again. More likely to find an age-appropriate unstuffed adventurer out there than in here. I've learned so much. The folly of youth. You should sign up and tell me everything.

P.P.S. A girl asked me out.[1] I felt bad, but she's way too young. There aren't any suitable boys here and all the girls are already with the halfway suitable boys. Maybe I should become one of those hedgewitches. I'll find a hedge and hire a crow or a cat or a toad. I hear the bog is nice this time of year.

1.	11 Jan 2012 - Be Still My Fluffy Heart

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Your comments on the full moon had me cackling for a good half hour. I'd be brushing my teeth and remember and I was off again. Thank you for the lovely vision of imagining dad painting the Minister's backside. Please don't illustrate it, or I'll have to frame it for him.

I've not heard much on the investigation with the Prophet. I am sure they are desperate to keep a lid on it. Must have been very embarrassing, inside job or not, to have had their paper hijacked. I shall try to reach Ariadne Gamp or Figaro Sellaphix. Last I heard they were both working there in some semblance. I'll see if I can persuade Fauna to elaborate on what she knows, though it's a touchy subject, sister, what with Fauna seeing Tia Gamp.

There is a werewolf office, yes. It's called the Werewolf Wing these days. Established under Madam Gertrudis and now under the control of Madam Ballentyne. It is found within the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. If you resist the temptation to skim articles you will see mentions of it in the newspaper. Word is, the Minister has opened an inquiry into the werewolf safe house breach in January. By that, I mean an internal investigation into how the Ministry operates them. If you're thoroughly interested on behalf of SAWS, they have some literature I can send.

Re: Witch Weekly. I'm shocked you've not filled in the application and sent it off on my behalf, sister dear. Thank you for providing me the option of at least filling in the multiple choice questions on species. How should I know that there was one? Perhaps I am filling it in to owl with your letter...! The post-Chris drought prevails. I think I was spoiled with a lovely first boyfriend, and one night stands just feel artificial. Just looking for a wizard who has enough intelligence to be an equal, not a century old, washes very regularly and wants a long-term relationship. Is it too hard to ask?

On the same subject - don't be looking in the Hogwarts pool. Nobody was ever that interesting when I was there, and the moment I got out and started working, Chris and I met. I don't want to sound like mum, but honestly you're better focusing on your studies right now and not boys, or girls - romance in any sense. How did the girl take it? Is she in your house?

Love and hugs,

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Sorry for not writing sooner. School is just. Really something.

I think the last time I saw Figaro he was making his armpit fart. Better go with Ariadne. But OMG Fauna told me about her new girlfriend Tia!!! I'm so happy for Fauna. Fauna for Minister. I've been writing Fauna a bit for the werewolf rights club. She's going to help get Iona Ballentyne to come to Hogwarts for us which is pretty badass.

Smart, age-appropriate, clean, committed? Might be a cryptid. Seriously, though, seriously, Theta, you're amazing. Seriously. You deserve someone as great as you. I know it sounds mushy, but I think there's someone(s) for everyone. Just keep shining.

The girl who asked me out is in Gryffindor and she took it okay. I told her I was there for her like a big sister and we hugged. You're probably right to channel mum, honestly. Clawing desperately for someone to hold close? Not very Pepper of me, not if I want to launch out of Hogwarts like a shooting star next year. I can do bad by myself.

Speaking of school, do you still have any notes from Defense when you were here? You take the best notes and anything would help right now.

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You honestly don’t need to explain about school. I know so well how hard NEWTs are, even in the sixth year. Keep going. I can wait for your letters. I can always send you an extra one while I wait.

Oh and I will have a look. I think my notes are still somewhere at mum and dad’s in the attic. You know, kept them while I was starting out in the Ministry in case of emergencies.

Speaking of defence (tenuous segue) I need to tell you about Saturday night! I signed up for the Witch Weekly blind dating thing because we are both aware at how lacking my lovelife is since Chris and I broke up. You were trying to pair me off with your Care of Magical Creatures teacher not so long ago.

So I went and they paired me up with this older guy, striking eyes, nice smile, friendly, great northern accent. I couldn’t quite place where I’d met him before. Oh gosh Theta, they paired me up with Ed Pratt, the Head Auror!

Never in a million years, I tell you. Talk about pairing me up with someone unexpected. (Though there were some really weird looking guys hanging around so I was really glad in all honesty.) We got some drinks and I tried to break the ice, ζ. I asked him if he’d ‘rather fight a chicken the size of a dragon, or ten chicken-sized dragons’. One big chicken. He didn’t think for long, either.

To my surprise he played along! He thought it was funny. I don’t know if that counts as pulling, but it’s better than smiling mutely and giggling lots which I remember doing when Chris first asked me out. So he asked me if I would prefer to be ‘surrounded by a clan of banshees or only be able to sing like one’. What would you answer? I went with being able to sing like one because I thought it would be less disruptive. I mean, can you imagine being followed by banshees everywhere?

I’ve just read over my letter so far and realised I’ve written two paragraphs all about the questions and not about him or how the rest of the evening went. Well, we managed to keep up the questions, and the drinking, and eventually bad jokes. He was lovely, charming. Mum would like him. Don’t know about Dad. Easy to talk to, and I didn’t feel I was going to incriminate myself, either.

Sooo… I gave him a kiss on the cheek when we said goodnight and I think we’re going to see each other again. Yes, your big sister might be able to do this dating thing after all. Did I do a little celebration when I got home? Yes! But I woke up Sunday and remembered that he’s like Fauna’s boss, eek!

I haven’t seen if there are photos in Witch Weekly, so maybe that will out me first. Meanwhile, I’ve drafted and burned three memos to Auror Pratt about asking him out for another date. Where do you take a Head Auror?

Good luck avoiding your little admirer tomorrow! Hope Hogwarts valentines is not too sickly.

Love and hugs,

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Just got back from our SAWS meeting with Bruce Ballentyne from the Werewolf Wing and you're going to be SO proud! No fights this time! I'm honestly gobsmacked but thank Merlin. The last thing this club needed was more bad press. I don't care if the professors think we're nuts but would really rather have popular opinion among the students behind us. Anyway, it went well, but I was not expecting her to be like she was. I thought she'd be nicer like Professor Greyfriar, but she was intense. Like, she was a werewolf talking about how dangerous werewolves are and I know they are I get it, but I was trying to get people not to be afraid of them. The last thing Luci the werewolfs at our school need are people visualizing werewolves ripping throats out. But I guess that's what I get bringing in someone who worked on the werewolf capture unit. They're awful. Anyway. End rant.

Because we need to talk about YOU GETTING AN ACTUAL HUMAN MAN. Tell him that if he breaks your heart, I'll personally hex him, I don't care if he's King of Aurors! Peppers stick together! A little bit of advice though: don't send him messages at work! Are you out of your mind? You really want everyone reading them? That's so cringe! You have to just bump into him. Lurk around his department or bump into him in the lobby. Stalk him. It's way sexier. At least that's what they do in Slither Girls. I'm currently single so what do I know? Osha threw a Valentine's day part (unauthorized) and I went with Kelvin Watkins. He practically made me drag him, but I know he had fun.

Send a picture of this Ed Pratt. Let us be the judge. There are some Pratt kids here at school so he better not be old.

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You’ll be pleased I didn’t send a memo to the ‘King of Aurors’ in the end. I didn’t even need to orchestrate a way to bump into him accidentally-on-purpose as the fates were clearly in alignment and we ended up next to each other in the queue for the lifts the other morning. We’re going to grab coffee sometime.

He’s on page 2 of yesterday’s Prophet behind Solomon Carstairs giving a statement on the Gamp stuff. Because you’re forever chopping up the newspaper for art, I’ve pinned a copy on the back of this letter. He’s not ancient but he is like much older than Chris[1] but he and I were practically the same age. Ed hasn’t got any grey hair if that’s what you’re worried about.

Speaking of Ministry people, I am massively proud of you for running a grown up meeting with a guest like Ballentyne. She’s not known for her sugar and spice, but her bite. I know what you mean by ‘intense’. Glad it kind of worked out for you.

Are you inviting a contrasting speaker for a future meeting? Uncle Francis is friends with Colin who works on our floor but I wouldn’t invite him to speak since he has a very unique sense of humour which makes him an unsuitable dinner guest before he goes near children. What about Olivia Foley? I think Fauna’s still in touch with her.

But I haven’t yet told you about the most surprising thing that happened to me this week! Out of the blue I got an owl[2] at work from Josie Flint. Gosh, she hung out with us the other summer, short, rosy-cheeked, talks-a-mile a minute, trying to be a journalist Josie.

Anyhow, she also did the whole blind dating thing last Saturday, but we went to find our dates and not seen hide nor hair of each other since. Her owl was really strange, ζ, she’d no memory of the last few days since the dating thing. I went straight over to check on her in my lunch and ended up taking her to St Mungo’s. I thought maybe she’d been obliviated or something, but we ended up on the Creature Injuries ward. They thought it might be vampires![3]

But no, it wasn’t vampires in the end. Healer Marrowbone did some mind magic stuff on Josie which helped her remember. I think it was a form of legilimency - mind reading. I must read up on it again, fascinating stuff we touched on in charms NEWT but I never finished my reading on.

Sorry, the story.

It turned out it was that Lyra Gamp of front page news a couple of days ago, the metamorphmagus! She’d disguised herself as a bloke and gone to the event and got paired with Josie. But she obviously didn’t want to date Josie, but she had been doing some kind of dark magic on Josie since. It’s all to do with the valentine’s kidnapping last year and what happened to Virgil, Gracie and those lot. Word is that this maniac meta was trying to steal Josie’s magic! Like what the. ACTUAL. All while I was asking the HEAD AUROR how many chickens he’d fight, right across the room.

THANKFULLY Josie is ok, and will be ok. Because it seems like the others last year all recovered and don’t have any magical side effects. She actually seems to be lucky that she can’t remember anything. If anything she’s pretty chipper about it and going to write lots of articles and sell them. But that’s Josie for you. Who knows, you might have already seen it in Witch Weekly or the Snitch or something by the time this letter gets to you.

So, don’t go on blind dates ζ! Gosh I have thanked my lucky stars threefold this week.

Almost forgot to say, I found the notes, if that is not obvious from the parcel size. Good luck with Professor Storm’s lessons. You’ll need those hexes.

Love and hugs,

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1.	Theta’s ex, Chris Dant written by Mouse
2.	14th Feb Misadventure
3.	14th Feb Never Quite as Solid or Strong

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What even is your life!? When something turns out to be not vampires you kind of expect the actual thing to be, I don't know, less bizarre not a metamorphmagus Dark Mage in disguise at a hook-up fest. My god, woman! You have all the fun.

Another speaker for SAWS not from the Ministry is a good idea. I'll try and remember to ask Fauna. We're currently writing letters to Zonko's to get them to pull offensive lollies. Probably nothing will happen, but that's okay.

Let me know what it's like snogging a grandma!

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