May 9th, Outside the entrance to Hufflepuff

It was a typical Saturday mid-morning at Hogwarts.  Students were filing in and out of there respective houses to catch a meal in the Great Hall, study in the library, or visit with other friends.  It was just another Saturday of the great month of May, really.  Nothing special. Nothing terribly unusual... Unless you counted the skinny figure standing opposite the Hufflepuff House entrance leaning casually against the stone wall dressed in all black (save the Hello Kitty designs on his hat and shoes) unusual.  Some students did find this strange and gave the person puzzled looks.  A few students even approached the person, but backed down once they realized who it was.  After all, it wasn’t like Eli Park was a stranger to many of the Hufflepuffs.  He was a frequent visitor to Hufflepuff seeing as he had many good friends with which he had sleepovers with.... mainly a certain French boy called Chancelier, which was the very reason Eli was here today.

It had been three weeks since Eli had heard any word from Razzy.  Sure, stuff happens and people get busy but Eli had it on good authority that Razzy was avoiding him.  The Hufflepuff never replied to any of the messages Eli would send him via messenger boy, never showed up to meet him in their special meeting place on the sixth floor even though Eli had told him to do so, and would pretend not to here Eli call out his name from down the corridors.  All this was frustrating to Eli because he couldn’t come up with a reason as to why Razzy would want to avoid him.  He was pretty sure the last time he saw Razzy was in a broom closet after a rather steamy snog session.  That was no reason to go and ignore a person, was it?  Eli was all in a pickle trying to figure out what was causing this latest development in Razzy’s behavior when he overheard some bits and pieces of gossip one night in the Gryffindor common room.

‘Chancelier and Harper.... hanging on each other.... kissed him on the cheek..... didn’t even flinch!.... Do you think they’re.....’

By that point Eli had heard enough.  He now had a good explanation as to why Razzy had been avoiding him these last couple of weeks, but it wasn’t one that he particularly liked.  In fact, he was all for convincing himself that it wasn’t true.  It was all just gossip, right?  But Eli was smarter than that.  If he wanted the truth he would need to go to the boy himself. 

This is how Eli found himself waiting not so patiently outside Hufflepuff for Razzy to make an appearance.  He would have to come out eventually... right?  And when he did, Eli would be waiting right outside, ‘undercover’ as he considered it, ready to confront him.

-- Recycled outfit because I didn't want this to take hours, haha. --

---

Had Razzy been avoiding Eli? How absurd. What a ridiculous thought. How unbelievably true.

Razzy had strong, friendly feelings for Eli, yes. And he enjoyed that marvelous mouth of his. If anyone knew Razzy, they knew that Eli was practically his shadow. Razzy was practically owned by Eli. Some people even chose to ignore the Hufflepuff because of his hot-headed companion. And while Razzy completely enjoyed that and was utterly delighted to see Eli's jealous reactions every time a girl flirted with him...

Erin Harper had recently tied the boy down. Razzy was spoken for. Erin liked what he saw, and metaphorically put a ring on it. Something Eli would never do. But the two of them hated commitment. Eli more than Razzy, he supposed. But there was one thing Razzy learned was that if he promised to remain loyal, he'd remain loyal. Philip had taught him that. He had to stay faithful in a relationship, even if he was a complete and utter disgrace when single. Philip played this off a lot more classy that Razzy, but Razzy followed in his brother's footsteps quite well.

Razzy had been avoiding Eli because he didn't have the patience to tell the Gryffindor that they could no longer have their heated snoggings or their angry sex. He would no longer become intimate with him. They could just, like, totally talk, you know? Razzy hated to push him away like that, especially since he enjoyed Eli so much. But he made a promise. If he didn't tell Eli, he would make a move on Razzy. If he told Eli, he'd be pissed. So Razzy avoided him like the plague. Purposely turning around when he saw him, ignoring his letters, telling the innocent underclassmen to go away when attempting to deliver his messages, etc. Razzy didn't want to talk to him. Not yet, at least.

But Razzy even knew it was unavoidable. He knew he'd eventually run into Eli. He couldn't hide forever. For such a big castle, it seemed so incredibly small.

When he saw Eli's unmistakable figure outside the Hufflepuff common room, his face lost its color. He wasn't ready to talk to him yet. But it was unavoidable now. He considered turning around, but Eli would just follow him. He considered brushing past him, but he could already picture Eli's slim body slipping in front of him. "Where the hell do you think you're going, buddy?" Something along the lines of that. He could hear Eli's angry voice echoing in his head. Chest heaving lightly with fury. He licked his lips and began to slow his pace. He couldn't do this. Not right now. Not ever. Eli was a weakness for Razzy. Blonde, feisty, and Asian. And his hipbones. Oh his hipbones.

He couldn't do this.

He came to a halt, more than six feet away from Eli. He didn't want to get close. Almost like Eli would ravish him if he was any closer. He didn't really know. The older boy was rather unpredictable. Razzy tilted his head to the side, eying the boy in front of him. He was going to miss his petite body. But Razzy really did have a think for the more large and toned blokes.

"Eli..." He spoke as if he was innocent, "What are you doing here?" dumb question, "I-"

He paused, his eyes hardly blinking, "I kind of have to do some homework. Got an essay, you know? I should... Go do that."

A horrible lie. Razzy didn't do homework.

Nope, not Razzy. Nope, not Razzy. Nope, not Razzy. Wait...nope, still not Razzy.  Eli let out an impatient sigh and kicked the wall behind him.  The longer he had the wait for the stupid Hufflepuff to show his face, the more upset he was getting.  Of course, it wasn’t like he had any idea when Razzy was going to come out.  He had to just stand there waiting.  Eli was a Gryffindor and therefore would be compared to a lion.  In this case Eli was a lion stalking its prey, waiting for the right moment before he moved in and made the kill.  Eli was not going to kill Razzy.  He was not going to force some answers out of him without letting him slip away.... like he’d been doing for the last few weeks.

Some students entered Hufflepuff and Eli was half tempted to tell them to call Razzy out.  That would be a mistake, though.  It seemed to Eli that if Razzy knew he was waiting, which he would because the students would describe Eli to him, than he wouldn’t come out.  He could always sneak in with the other students but... that... just wasn’t right.  He couldn’t enter a house like that without being wanted.  And right now he felt like he wasn’t.

It was at that moment that an all too familiar figure made its way out into the corridor.  Eli’s eyes immediately connect with Razzy’s.  Now that the younger boy had finally showed up, you could bet that Eli was not going to let him out of his sight easily.  Oh no, he was here on a mission and he would not back down until he was successful.

"Eli......I - I kind of have to do some homework. Got an essay, you know? I should... Go do that."

Eli’s hand balled up into a fist and hit the wall behind him.  Was Razzy really going to play this game?  Of course he was.  That’s just what he did.  Play ignorant, pretend Eli’s just the one overreacting about everything.  But not his time.  Eli wasn’t going to allow it.

“Is that the same essay you’ve been working on these past three weeks, hm? “  He stood up straight so that he was no longer leaning against the wall, “Don’t go trying to blow me off again, and don’t lie to me.  I’m not in the mood.  Since when did you turn into a bloody Ravenclaw being all studious and crap?  Just... stuff it and tell me why you’ve been ignoring me!”

The surprise Razzy felt when Eli punched the wall didn't show one bit on his porcelain face. But he hadn't expected such a reaction from the older boy... Razzy made Eli angry on multiple occasions, but this was much too different. It reminded him of Erin and his supposed interest in punching walls. Only when Erin did it, he hurt himself because he was a freak. Eli seemed quite alright. At least, he looked it. Razzy had the right mind to step forward and see if the smaller boy was alright, and sooth his hurt hand, and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. Razzy wanted to be a healer, after all. He didn't care much for other people, but there were the few he was closely connected with.

However. Things changed. He couldn't force himself to step forward.

"Is that the same essay you’ve been working on these past three weeks, hm?"

Razzy's lips parted. He didn't necessarily know what to say. He was caught in a lie. He had been cornered. Razzy wondered if it was too late to turn around. He didn't want to answer Eli's questions. The boy was fuming. And Razzy couldn't even take advantage of the fiery mess that stood before him. It was an uncomfortable position to be put in. He hardly felt bad for ignoring the boy, however. Eli's presence was inconvenient and Razzy had nothing to say to him. While almost every fiber of him wanted to push Eli against that wall and snog him (because face it, the little guy was pretty sexy when he was angry) he had to keep in mind. He could not break a promise. He was going to be a good boyfriend. He couldn't ruin his first ever relationship just because an older boy with jealousy issues was punching walls and giving him a bad attitude. It was hardly a reason to be attracted to someone, anyhow, but Razzy had weird interests.

"Just... stuff it and tell me why you’ve been ignoring me!"

If only it were that simple. Razzy bit his lip and sized Eli up once more. If the boy flung himself at Razzy, in a murderous rampage, he could take him easily. He had to keep in mind that Eli was not a threat to him. Maybe to Erin (Eli was the first one to kiss the Slytherin) but not to Razzy. Razzy was strong, iron willed, emotionless. He licked his lips. He had to strongly consider actually fessing up to the boy. He hated to be stuck with a furious boy with no outlet besides violence.

"Why don't you take a deep breath," he told the older student, "I'll tell you. Just calm down. You're making a scene."

Razzy hardly cared if Eli was making a scene. And perhaps Eli didn't care, either. But passersby were giving them odd looks and whispering to each other. It was uncomfortable. He didn't like being a freak show for the mundane students of Hogwarts. He ran a hand through his hair, glancing around before steadying his gaze on the older boy. He didn't like this one bit. He was so used to just being able to whisk the angry Gryffindor up and resolve their matters privately. But he couldn't. He couldn't. He had to keep telling himself that he couldn't.

"Listen, mon petite chat... You ask why I've been avoiding you and then you punch a wall when you see me," he shrugged, "Does it really make you wonder?" A bit of a jab, but it was true. The rest of what he had to say was resting on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be launched. Hopefully Eli would calm down and be peaceful for once. Razzy doubted it. Telling Eli he was dating Erin was practically saying, "I'm leaving you, I found someone better." His first break up.

That face.  Oh, that face.  That practically emotionless, calm, unreadable face.  Eli had a love/hate relationship with Razzy’s face and its expressions (or lack thereof).  He hated that he could never plainly see what Razzy was thinking or feeling.  It made things a lot more challenging on Eli’s part.  Like now.  Eli was practically wearing his emotions, as always, but Razzy just stood there... acting all calm and cool.  This did absolutely nothing but fuel Eli’s frustration. 

"Why don't you take a deep breath.... I'll tell you. Just calm down. You're making a scene."

Eli rolled his eyes.  Making a scene?!  Well, duh!  That was kind of the whole point, wasn’t it?  Might as well make a scene now that he finally had Razzy’s attention so that the younger boy didn’t have a choice but stay and talk to him.  And Razzy would know very well that Eli could care less about making a scene.  The Gryffindor was very much used to the attention and didn’t care one bit about the other students.  The could go and say whatever they want.  Besides, Eli wouldn’t be at Hogwarts too much longer to care.

Amidst all Eli’s feelings of anger and frustration, a part of him really wished that Razzy would do what he normally, usually did; come to him, relax the older boy with his sweet talk, embrace him, and take him off somewhere the they could be alone.  The fact that instead, Razzy stood at a distance from him and did none of that, not showing any signs of intending to so so either, upset Eli.  This was just adding more proof to the reality of the things that he had heard about Razzy and Erin.  It was becoming almost impossible for Eli to deny it anymore.

"Listen, mon petite chat... You ask why I've been avoiding you and then you punch a wall when you see me.....Does it really make you wonder?"

“Liars tend to piss me off.  If you were to not lie, then I would be able to save the delicate skin on my knuckles.”  Eli stuck out his tongue but instantly regretted this action.  It was a reflex action, but now Eli feared that Razzy might not take him as seriously.  Eli looked down at the ground and bit his bottom lip as he struggled to not mentally beat himself and plan his next move.  Despite everything, he decided to take Razzy’s advice and took a deep breath, breathing slowly in and out of his nose.

Eyes still on the ground, Eli spoke, “It hurts... being ignored by you.  Obviously it’s not something I’m used to.  And... this is us.  We, um.... well, I’m not sure how to describe our relationship, that is, if we have one at all, but... Is it wrong for me to still feel entitled to an explanation?” His own words surprised him.  Normally he would be yelling and shouting and throwing a fit... at least, that was what he pictured himself doing.  He had been angry, still was, but more than anything he was upset and hurt. 

"Well," Razzy exhaled, slowly, "Sometimes a lie is better heard than the truth." In this particular case, it probably was true. At least, Razzy imagined so. He couldn't picture Eli being okay with his relationship with Erin. He was angry to even learn he was having connections with him. And the kissing booth incident? Eli wouldn't stop glaring at him for days it seemed. This was much bigger than calling some girl loose (or whatever he had said to her; it didn't matter.) He was gone behind Eli's back and started a relationship with someone. And throughout the process of accepting Erin's request, he had thought about how much happier he was with Erin and how Eli couldn't make him that happy. If that wasn't a total dick move, Razzy had to redefine his life.

It was a good thing Eli couldn't read minds.

The older boy stuck his tongue out at Razzy and then immediately adverted his eyes from him. It was normal Eli behavior to be cutesy and adorable whenever he was angry. At least, with Razzy. It was strange how serious he was trying to be. Razzy hated it. He always enjoyed Eli for the fact that he could still look so cute when he was so angry. But he looked ashamed of himself. Razzy's head tilted to the side again. It was interesting. He had never seen Eli so upset before...

And then he began to speak. His voice finally calm and innocent and for once, Eli didn't look like a raving lunatic. A small part of Razzy felt horrified to see the older boy so hurt. While he was supposed to detach himself from Eli, to stop their physical relationship (as awful as that sounded), he had stuck around Eli for so long. They were practically a couple for most of Razzy's school years. He remembered, Eli would always be so friendly with Razzy... Even before Razzy declared himself bisexual. He had warmed up to Eli. He was the first guy to ever kiss him. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt like hell to push him away.

"Is it wrong for me to still feel entitled to an explanation?"

"No. It's not," Razzy responded, his green eyes growing wide from the excess amount of loathing he felt for himself at that moment. He wanted to hug Eli, tell him everything was alright and that there was nothing to worry about. He was sorry. He was utterly sorry. And Razzy didn't use that word lightly. Not with Eli, he didn't. But the words pounded through his head, "You can't. Stay where you are." But he didn't want to. His thoughts conflicted with each other. It was chaos.

He cleared his throat. He took a step forward before stopping himself. After hearing what he had to say, he doubted Eli would want to be held by him. He didn't picture Eli even wanting to speak with him. But clearly Eli would have had some prior knowledge to his relationship with Erin. He was avoiding him. That's simply not a good sign, especially since Razzy remembered telling Eli once, "There's nothing that could ever keep me away from you." He felt disgusting.

As much as he hated to explain himself, Razzy's lips parted, "I don't want to avoid you, Eli. I just..." he paused, "I started going steady with Erin Harper."

There. He said it. He felt his stomach twist.

"And I knew it would upset you. So I took my time to tell you, I suppose," Razzy told him, his expressionless face hardly showing the sincerity of his words. Normally, an argument between the two would end with them passionately snogging (most likely on the floor of an empty classroom). Everything would be better. Nothing would have changed.

It was hard to believe he couldn't do that anymore. Or... Maybe if he got Erin to tag along with them.

He shook his head, slowly, "I'm sorry."

Eli had never been in a formal relationship with someone... ever.  He had flings, random hookups, snogging sessions... but never an actual relationship.  At first it wasn’t the actual idea of commitment that was the reason he shied away from relationships.  It was his inability to find someone he actual deemed worthy of dating, and that fact that, though he called himself bisexual at the time, he mostly was interested in guys.  And there weren’t very many boys his age at the time that were open about being bi or gay, if they were even conscious of romantic acts at all.  Eli didn’t date because of the lack of availability.

Then as he got older he found that he loved people.  He liked meeting new people.  He liked kissing new people.  He couldn’t just focus his affections on one person.  A guy he had had a fling with when his family was on vacation overseas had asked him to be his boyfriend.  Eli declined immediately because he realized then that a relationship meant being faithful to one person... and one person only.  He just couldn’t commit to that.  He was still young and there was a world full of people out there to meet (aka snog). 

Eli didn’t know what his intentions were when Razzy came along.  He liked the younger Hufflepuff and the two just sort of clicked.  Eli was the first boy to ever kiss Razzy.  Razzy was the first and only boy Eli fooled around with for an extended period of time.  A very long extended period of time.  He had always thought how perfect the two of them were together; both parties not keen to commitment, free to see whomever they pleased, but still oddly possessive of the other.  It was nice, but also very confusing...

"I started going steady with Erin Harper."

Eli had been expecting Razzy to say this.  He had knew almost definitely that that was what this was all about, though he wanted badly to deny it.  The words, though anticipated, still hurt.  Eli wasn’t quite sure how to react.  Part of him wanted to throw things at the younger boy while accusing him of betrayal.  How could he do this?  Why did he?  and so on, but Eli knew he really didn’t have right to.  Because Razzy and him weren’t in a relationship.  Razzy was free to do as he pleased with whomever he liked, and he always had been.  Another part of Eli wanted to run off back to the dorm, bury himself in his bed, and cry.  He liked Razzy, of course he did, and he cared about him.  If he didn’t, they wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

Instead of punching the wall again or doing any other violent action, Eli began to jump in place.  His eyes were closed shut and his arms continuously punched the empty air around him.  It was as if he were having a virtual boxing match, which he was... sort of.  But there was no way that he would ever admit to it... especially that his opponent might have been a certain blond Slytherin who will not be named.  Eli just had to get some of his angry energy out of him.

When he felt better, he stopped, took a deep breath and opened his eyes.  Upon seeing Razzy still right in front of him, Eli felt an urge to cry.  It was overwhelming, so Eli squatted down and wrapped his arms around his legs and used his hat to cover his face.

"I'm sorry."

Another deep breath and then Eli shook his head.  “No... don’t-,” His voice wavered so he took another breath, “Don’t be sorry.  I think... I’m the one... who should be.”

Eli wasn't the only one to never have a relationship. Before Eli, Razzy hadn't really thought about getting close to anyone. Not even a girl. He was much too young and naive to date someone, and he hardly knew what he was doing. So flirting was nonexistent with Razzy. He couldn't charm anyone or anything. It was sad, really. Which was why his brother took him under his wing. It was only then that Razzy began to know his potential. But it was also then when he started encountering boys who were interested in him.

He was his first kiss... Eli was. The first person he ever kissed. The thought was still painful. Every time it crossed his mind it was like another punch to the gut, another knife against his back. He was harming himself, internally. And while Razzy was taught that he had to wait until the right woman to marry and have then have sex with, Eli was so much better than waiting. While Eli hadn't been Razzy's first, a part of him liked to count it instead. Just because Philip's drunken best friend frightened him, even after all that time. Razzy was sleazy, though. He hadn't the cleanest record in Hogwarts when it came to his escapades. None of them mattered, and Razzy felt nothing for them. But... He supposed, since Eli had been with him for so long, those moments they had with each other seemed a lot more... Special.

Razzy felt disgusting. He already thought of himself as a monster, this simply made matters worse. He was turning away from someone he had cared for and nourished and loved... No. He did love Eli. He liked him a whole lot that it hurt, but he couldn't honestly say he loved the older boy. He lusted for him. And he enjoyed looking at him. But that wasn't love. And Razzy felt stupid for possibly thinking that. He loved him physically, not mentally.

And then... Eli just broke down. Throwing punches and bouncing about. It was cute, in a way. Eli was just so damn cute. But then he just sank down. He couldn't even look at Razzy. Hell, if Razzy were in Eli's position, he wouldn't look at him, either. If Razzy were Eli, he'd punch himself so fast. Make him bleed. Warp his flesh until his pretty face hardly resembled himself. Razzy was a walking cliche. A pretty boy with an ugly soul. His face remained blank.

“Don’t be sorry.  I think... I’m the one... who should be.”

Razzy shook his head, "What should you be sorry for?" he began, brows knitting together, "We've been together for years. Not officially, but we have. I'm the one who should be sorry, because I went behind your back. But I like Erin. A whole lot. To the point where I don't care if he's tying me down, I just want to be with him..."

He paused, "I like you, too, Eli. Just..."

Razzy could force himself to explain. He liked Eli, too, just not in the same way. There may have been a point where he would have willingly tied himself down with the Gryffindor. But times change. Feelings change. Razzy's feelings, especially, since they all seemed to be dwindling away. He read in a book that his loss of feelings could be tied to depression. But it all came back to his goddamn disorder.

Eli's tiny body was shrunken into itself. He could tell Eli was trying his best not to cry. It was painful to watch. Unbearable. Razzy couldn't listen to himself anymore. He couldn't just stand there while Eli was turning into a train wreck. The Hufflepuff finally bounced forward, springing right up to Eli. He leveled himself to the older student, getting on his knees. He was afraid to touch him... Either because he'd either be rejected or ravished. Razzy feared being rejected by Eli. Just because he cared about him so much. Razzy had daddy issues, of course. More so... Parent issues. He was the reject of the family. Well... Evie was starting to replace that title with the mere fact that she was bitten by a werewolf. That fact disgusted Razzy. His parents were so cruel.

However, at this point, he was willing to take a chance. He wrapped his fingers around Eli's shoulders, green eyes darting around, waiting for sudden movement. He wished to unravel him. Pull this smaller boy into a hug. Even if they could snog their problems away, Razzy knew how much it sucked to be completely destroyed inside and having no one to hug. But he would never admit that.

Was this what heartbreak felt like?  Eli couldn't be quite sure.  He couldn't recall feeling anything like this before.  But still... What he had heard about heartbreak.... Didn't that require being in love?  Was Eli in love?  With Razzy?  That was certainly the biggest question that was going through his mind at the moment.  He was confused.  Yes, Eli did care a lot about the younger Hufflepuff.  He always was happy whenever he was around Razzy, though he might not have acted so.  The Gryffindor was protective of him, getting angry if he found out that someone had upset or messed with the other.  Eli was possessive of Razzy.  Though he knew that Razzy had his other romantic escapades, as did Eli, the older boy still found he got jealous.  The only explanation Eli could use to explain that was, yes, he loved Razzy.  But, at the same time, he didn't love Razzy.  It was starting to make sense the more Eli thought about it.  Because he and Razzy had been together so long, Eli had grown attached.  And since he had played a part in outing the younger boy, Eli felt he had a special relationship with him.  It was love, but a different kind of love.  Now that Eli was realizing this, some of the pressure on his chest seemed to disappear.
 
"We've been together for years. Not officially, but we have. I'm the one who should be sorry, because I went behind your back. But I like Erin. A whole lot. To the point where I don't care if he's tying me down, I just want to be with him..."
 
"I know but... I'm still sorry," Eli muttered. He took a deep breath and spoke up, "You shouldn't have to feel bad for wanting to be with him... I guess... I'm sorry for that."
 
"I like you, too, Eli. Just..."

.... Just not as much as you like, Erin.  A few tears escaped Eli’s dark eyes despite his efforts to hold them back.  The Gryffindor kept his face hidden underneath his cap, hoping Razzy wouldn’t see.  He hated the fact he couldn’t hide his emotions like Razzy could.  It just wasn’t fair. 

Razzy’s hands on his shoulders were surprisingly warm.  Eli welcomed his touch, finding it comforting.  His tears stopped and he wiped the remnants away with the back of his hand.  Then he finally lifted his head and looked up into Razzy’s eyes.  At first, Eli was tempted to look away.  He was still a bit upset.  More than that, though, he was just glad Razzy was there with him.  The younger boy hadn’t just dropped the bomb and then left.  Not that he would do that to Eli, but still.... it was nice to know he hadn’t picked that option.

“Razzy, can I ask for one thing?”  Eli paused, but not long enough to wait for an answer “One last kiss... please?”