There were parts of Devlin that hated this new 'moral upstanding guy' thing he was supposed to be doing now. Lack of readily available money... the chance of getting screwed by the aurors he was helping....getting killed by the side he was double crossing... but most of all, he hated the fact that he actually felt bad for a lot of the stuff he did in his 'Bad boy' stage. Things like, to name a few, starting fights, framing people, helping people cheat, and so on. But the things he regreted the most was the friends he lost in the process, especially the few that cared about him and liked him for what he was inside, not for his popularity or his connections. When he had heard that one such friend had lost their mother in the attacks a month ago, that guilt was magnified by ten, coupled with a crippling sympathy.

At first he had tried to relieve the shame by sending Sophie little gifts that he knew she would love, always with an anonymous letter with no return address. He figured that, considering the shit he pulled only a couple months before, she wouldn't want to talk to him or even open anything from him. He thought that all he wanted was for his little gestures of kindness to make her smile a bit, and he would feel better. This didn't last long though. Before long he was feeling worse then ever, knowing that Sophie wasn't someone who could have her affection bought by candy and flowers and monkey plushies. She had needed him to be there as a friend for her this last month and he had responded by not even having the guts to sign his damn name to the letters. His newly recovered moral compass told him he was a dick and that if he really wanted to help, he had to go and see her face-to-face.

This was easier said than done. He had been quite busy since his 'incident' helping the Aurors gather a case against Kingstreet and even though they had granted him immunity, they still didn't trust him. Nor did the criminals he was spying on, so he was positive that at least one, if not both, groups had someone tailing him. Perhaps he was just paranoid, but he didn't want to get attacked and tortured again. He still had nightmares from that night. He definitely didn't want Sophie to be implicated in anyway and targeted by either group. It was the last thing the poor kid needed. Yet, that didn't stop him from going to see her, it simply made it harder. Instead of just apparating to her door or just taking a train like he might of before this whole mess, Devlin had to lead any potential stalkers through quite a few goose chases.

After taking several trains, often returning to the place the previous one had taken him from, a cab, walking aimlessly for a few blocks and apparating at least 5 times, he finally made his way towards Sophie's home. About a block from her house, he transformed in his rat form to make it even harder to trace him and scurried the rest of the way through the gutter. It took him longer then had he just walked, but Devlin had developed acute paranoia in the last couple of months and wasn't taking any chances. Arriving at her home just as the lights begin to be shut off, Devlin picked a tree next to where he knew her window was and climbed it as quickly as his little ratty claws would allow him. As usual, his luck was against him that night and the window was locked, but the thought he could see Sophie getting ready for bed behind the thin curtains. With all his might be began to bang against and scratch at the glass, hoping that she could hear him.

Day twenty-five, she marked them off on a little calendar she kept tucked away in her school bag. She didn't want anyone to know she was counting. She didn't even tell Chance. There were very few secrets she kept from him but this one private thing...she needed. Her birthday was in a month; exactly one month. It hurt to think about all of the "firsts" coming up - the first Easter, the first birthday, all without Ramona. There would be no cake owled to her in the middle of the night. There would be no secret egg hidden in her room with some little trinket just from her mother. Traditions that had lived for nearly twenty years...Sophie didn't know if it would be worse if they tried to repeat them without her mother of if they ignored them completely. Ice cream at the shore, other small vacation treats... no one seemed to want to take part of anymore. Ruby was already throwing elbows when it came to Duncan and trying to assert herself as an independent woman. Sophie took the dogs upstairs and locked her door. She didn't want anymore night time lectures about how she needed to be strong and keep everyone chuckling. The anger was so hard to let go of but she tried; she really did.

She was sitting at her vanity wiping away the last traces of the day's war paint when she heard it; the scrichy scratch at her window. She tried to tell herself it was just the wind but when it persisted she pulled on her nightshirt and went to investigate. She didn't honestly know who she thought she would scare in her pj's; dark hair drawn on top of her head in a mussy bun. Of course she'd gotten good at throwing a nice right hook and was flanked by two dogs taller than her when on their hind legs. Peeking out she blinked once, then twice as two beady little eyes stared back at her. There was some quote that ran through her mind about how if you stared long enough into the abyss the abyss started to stare back. Well; it wasn't one of the twins because their animal forms would be stomping up the petunias in the backyard. She tried to think of any of her other friends had, or were having Animagus' lessons - mostly because as sorry as she felt for the little creature her mother's lectures on bedbugs and the plague rats had been drilled into her head from a very early age.

Still; she let him in; Sophie's soft heart almost always won out when it came to animals - it was why except for Loki (who was the most tragic mess of a dog since Ramona's death) the family hounds...well hounded her. They followed her around like she was pack leader when she was nothing more than a Nibblet. Unlatching the window she let the little creature scurry inside. Soon Mr. Rat caught the attention of Thor - which made her want to laugh just a little. The poor thing was half the side of Thor's head; but the Dane gently nosed it; sniffing and snufffing, making little noises that were neither happy nor threatening. It was almost as if he recgonized the smell but wasn't sure from where. While fairly sure he would not devour the rat; she patted the large dog's head and proceeded to calmly climb in bed. In her best nonchalant voice she picked up The Witchling and hugged the purple monkey someone had sent her, "You know, I never really understood the true irony of you being able to turn yourself into a rat; not even after the disaster at Christmas - though that was a pretty ratty thing to do".

She paused for a moment (realizing she was just playing on a hunch and could be talking to a disease infested animal just as likely as she was addressing someone she knew, "It wasn't until I realized you were trying to buy off my anger I realized what a bad name you give the little creatures. I suggest you change into a size that half compares to Thor or Gunner's before one of them decides they need a new chew toy," her voice was calm as she looked up from the paper, "The purple monkey was a nice touch though. I always was a sucker for stuffed things". Gunner seemed to have lost interest in their new guest and protectively jumped into bed with Sophie. He had always stuck more closely to Sophie than to any of the children; making it clear almost from day one that she was his girl even though he was the family pet. Since Ramona had died she seemed to trip over him even more than usual...but she didn't mind. He was a nice old boy and the only one who had never broken her heart - and also was not a traitor who would cuddle Fauna... Merlin Sophie could hold a long secret grudge.

"You know, I never really understood the true irony of you being able to turn yourself into a rat; not even after the disaster at Christmas - though that was a pretty ratty thing to do".

Devlin was pleased when she caught his hint and opened the window. Sometimes he regretted choosing a rat as his animagus since few people realized how sweet the little creatures could be and avoided them like the plague, so it was nice to think that she knew it was him. Or that if she didn't, she was at least kind to rats. However, he didn't like her picking him up and holding him aloft, right over that terrifyingly huge dog of hers. He squeaked rapidly at her, apologizing and begging that she put him down so he could go to his human form before Thor had him as a snack.

"It wasn't until I realized you were trying to buy off my anger I realized what a bad name you give the little creatures. I suggest you change into a size that half compares to Thor or Gunner's before one of them decides they need a new chew toy, The purple monkey was a nice touch though. I always was a sucker for stuffed things"

Luckily, two things happened in his favor: Thor got bored and loped over to the bed to relax and Sophie decided to take a seat on her bed. He promptly jumped off of her hand onto the soft pillows and transformed back into his Dev form, almost immediatly kicking off his tennis shoes before they dirtied her blanket. "Was that a threat?" He said playfully, flashing her the typical mischievous Devlin smile before kicking his legs off the side and settling down next to her. The smirk faded almost immediately  as he remembered the reason he was there. Sighing, he removed his cap and ran his fingers through his hair "I wouldn't blame you if it was... I really deserve it. I thought you might be less mad at me if I showed you I still cared but I should have known better that you can't be bought off like that..."

Rubbing the bridge of his nose he muttered to himself "I am such an idiot for thinking that would work..." He pulled his hat back on so low that it nearly covered his eyes, like it was a shield from her glare. Crossing his arms, he stared at her wall in an uncharacteristically pensive way before speaking "... Look I am not good at this sort of thing. I don't do apologies well... I mean real apologies. I can say I am sorry all day and not mean it... but I didn't want this to be one of those sorries."

"I don't make threats, I keep promises," she didn't look at him because she knew it would be no use. She couldn't be mad at him when he was right in front of her - and she wanted to be mad. He deserved her anger - maybe not all of it she was feeling but he deserved a lot of it. He was an easy target. He could take the emotional beating and not be worse for the wear. At least that was what she had convinced herself of because it was easier than to hold onto some kind of hope he valued her as a person. Sure he was sorry; but she was mostly sure he was sorry he got caught. She hated him for that. She hated that he couldn't just suck out the poison and say what a worthless excuse of a human being he had been. She did not fully want to realize that was exactly what he was trying to do. He was just really awful at it.

Finally she looked up with a sigh, "Maybe it's my fault for thinking you ever really knew me at all," she didn't completely mean that. If she didn't know him it was because he kept himself from her. She had never given him any reason not to trust her - in fact she had given him a million reasons to believe her when she said didn't, couldn't, judge him. Whatever he had with Fauna (the idea left a bitter taste in her mouth as she thought of Chance and Fauna and their fumbling flirtation) she had just cared. Maybe it was selfish, maybe there were six other motives behind it - but at the very center of what anyone else could say about it being a stupid school girl infatuation with the resident bad boy they were wrong. She did not like him because he was bad, she fell for him because there was so much more to him than being bad. Everyone wrote Devlin off, Sophie hadn't been able to. She knew he was capable of more than the stupid shit he did.

Only he'd proved her wrong about that hadn't he? Siting next to him in her bed she couldn't help but let her mind wander to all the times she'd day dreamed it out, what would come next. In that moment, even feeling his cool skin against her arm  she didn't want it anymore. She didn't want him to gather her up an kiss her. She didn't want him to tell her how much he adored her. Wetting the pad of her thumb she flipped to the next page of the paper, letting the silence hang between them as her her head bowed in the low lamp light. She found herself wanting to make it difficult for him. She wanted him to have to work for whatever forgiveness he wanted - and even then she didn't think she could. There was so much anger in her, so much pain - was it all Devlin's fault? No... but why had it taken her mother dying for him to come to some place where he wanted to be back in her life? Was that even what he wanted at all, or was this some must apologize to the girl with the dead mother guilt he was feeling?

"What do you want from me Dev? Is this the part when I fall into your arms and tell you how lonely it's been? How, exactly am I supposed to feel now that you want to come back? It doesn't change the fact that for the rest of my life I will always be second place to some girl like Fauna, first with you and always with Chance. Maybe I'm sick of being a god damned afterthought," she slapped the stuffed monkey in the middle of his chest and quickly moved away from him back to her windowseat. She knew it wasn't Fauna's fault...but she hated her a little anyways. She also hated Ruby, and her father, and Johnny. She hated the whole world for taking away the one person who had always known exactly what she needed and when she needed it. Realistically Devlin wouldn't even be apologizing if he hadn't been so consumed with guilt over her mother. It made her hate him a little bit harder too.

"I don't make threats, I keep promises,"

He begin to chuckle at that, thinking she was joking with him, but her tone and refusal to meet his eyes told him otherwise. The smirk faded into a frown and the chuckle quickly became him clearing his throat as he shifted on the bed nervously. So the fact she was hugging the monkey was not an indication of forgiveness after all, now he felt like a bigger ass. Damn this new moral fiber! Oh and damn how adorable she looked when she was angry! That didn't help matters in the least.

"Maybe it's my fault for thinking you ever really knew me at all,"

"Ouch." Devlin couldn't help but wince at her comment, surprised by how deeply it hurt. Normally he could just write off peoples feelings as easily as shrugging out of a jacket, but Sophie was one of the few that managed to get to him. When he met her 5 years ago, back when she was a hyperactive little first year, she had latched onto him like a monkey and refused to let go. At first it was annoying but her sweet smile grew on him and soon she became special to him, especially when she was one of the few to stick by him after his mothers death and his emotional change. Perhaps it was because of this fact that he felt so bad about what he did to her at the dance. She was one of the few people who saw past his shortcomings and surliness, and he used her like a common floozy to make another girl jealous. Merlin, he was the definition of a tool, wasn't he?

"What do you want from me Dev? Is this the part when I fall into your arms and tell you how lonely it's been? How, exactly am I supposed to feel now that you want to come back? It doesn't change the fact that for the rest of my life I will always be second place to some girl like Fauna, first with you and always with Chance. Maybe I'm sick of being a god damned afterthought,"

"Jesus, Sophie... How did you come to that conclusion?" he muttered and then sighed, rubbing his forehead in exasperation. "... That's not it at all... I mean, yeah it seemed like that at the dance but that wasn't... me... well it was me, but the bad side of me. The side I never wanted you to see... and I feel so shitty that I used you like that... I never wanted you to be put in that position and I didn't realize it until I got over all that anger I was feeling..." His shoulders slumping, he put his head in his hands and heaved another sigh. Why were apologies so damn hard? "I dunno if it will make you feel any better... but originally I asked Fauna out on a dare. I got in a fight with Waker one night and she said that the only girls who would like me are stupid whores... or something like that... whatever it was, in short, she meant that no innocent, sweet or genuinely nice girls would ever like me. I chose Fauna because she was a girl like that... and things just went from there."

Realizing how this might come across to her, he quickly added an addendum to that statement "Don't get me wrong, you are that kind of girl as well... but you were close to me. I couldn't bear the idea of using you like that... I needed someone who didn't know me and didn't mean anything to me. And while I won't lie that Fauna became important in the end, you need to realize that you were never an afterthought. You never will be..." Glancing over at her, where she had curled up on the window seat in order to remove herself from his closeness, Devlin felt a lump form in his throat. "Merlin... I hate to say it, but maybe Waker was right. Maybe I don't deserve a nice girl..."

"What else is a girl supposed to think Dev? Look at the facts laid out - you used me to get back at Fauna for dancing with Chance; instead of just being a man and saying 'you know I'm really not comfortable with this situation'. You pounced on the oppertunity to be petty and selfish, and hurtful. I'm a dumb fifteen year old that gets caught up in too many emotions - what's your excuse? Because what you did was calculated Devlin, you had to think that action out," her voice was desperately broken on the last word and she had to look away. It felt weak to be so raw in front of him. She didn't want it - but there it was right in front of her, waiting for he to face it down. It was exhausting trying to constantly hold herself together in the face of everyone else's falling apart. Hadn't her own father told her he needed her to be his monkey girl and make him laugh when he was hurting?

Pressing the heel of her hands into her eyes, fingers knotted in her hair she just shook her head at all he was saying. She didn't want to hear all of this, she couldn't hear all of this because then she had to reexamine being pissed off at him. She had to rethink everything - and he was not exactly making a case for being a stellar human being at the moment. Actually, he was kind of affirming her idea he was a giant asshat. "Devlin! Stop," her voice was firm as she slowly lifted her head from her hands and looked at him helplessly. What could she tell him? Really what was there to say? He knew he'd messed up but it was like he just accepted that, like there was nothing possibly redeeming about him anymore - and granted the depth of the shady shit it was capable of was not an area she felt she could explore right now, not if she wanted to keep some kind of sanity.

Taking a deep breath she chewed on her bottom lip before shaking her head, "You treat people like they're game pieces, pawns to be moved around in a certain pattern to prove a point - you take advantage of what you see as a weakness, someone loving you. Waker was wrong until you decided to prove her right. The moment you took that bet, the moment you used me to get back at Fauna.... in those moments you didn't deserve the love that had been afforded to you; you abused it". She knew that it sounded awful, like she was kicking him while he was down - but she also had a lot she needed to say and he needed to hear. Leaning forward with elbows braced on one knee as she reached for his hand, her voice was far less angry, "The only person who can make you deserving of that kind of love again is you Dev; and there are no quick fixes or buy offs".

Biting her bottom lip she exhaled a slow breath, blowing stray bangs from her eyes, "I know the boy I was crazy about is in there, somewhere - because I didn't make him up. You made up this big ugly mask that you wear around to keep everyone at arms length... you just can't keep counting on getting lucky enough for someone to see through, cause pretty soon it's not just going to be a mask it's going to be your face; it's going to be who you are... and all the memories of the boy I was so crazy about won't make up for the life you're living and the people you're hurting. People have inherent value, even the ones Wake Nolan considers sluts and whores. They're someone's daughter, sisters, nieces, grandbabies. Everyone belongs to someone until there isn't anyone else to belong to anymore; I know you aren't on that dire doorstep yet... but only you can make sure you don't end up there".

Listening to her rant and rave about how horrible he was had not been Devlin's intention for that evening. He knew what an ass he had been. It was just that he had thought that baring everything and genuinely apologizing was going to be enough and it was becoming readily apparent that he was quite mistaken. Irritation threatened to rise up and overcome the shame that brought him here, especially when she commented about him not having an excuse because he wasn't a 15 year old girl. He was a 17 year old boy... if anything he had more of an excuse to act stupid and hormonal! Had the old Devlin been there, he might have pointed out this bit of hypocrisy just to piss her off even more, but the new Devlin knew that aside from that, everything else she was saying was spot on and that it would just prove how immature he was if he pointed out such a petty little fact. With that in mind, he sat in stoic silence as she continued.

By the time she finished, however, Devlin couldn't keep it in anymore. Tossing himself back on her bed, he stared at intently at a spot on her ceiling, unwilling to look at her disappointed expression any longer "... What do you want me to say Soph? Do you want me to keep lying to you? I don't want to do that anymore. I am trying to lay out the truth for you so you can see that... that I really am sorry..." He sounded so defeated and pathetic right now and he couldn't stand it, "I am going to make it better... I mean, I am trying to fix my mistakes and move on... but I can't do that when the people closest to me hate me. I don't have many left Soph..."

His voice cracked slightly and he fell silent for a moment as he gathered his composure "... I mean... my moms dead. My fa--stepfather... disowned me and hasn't let me see my sister and brothers for months... my real father hates me and thinks I'm a loser... and my girlfriend... well she isn't my girlfriend anymore... All I have left is the few real friends I had before this whole mess, and most of them are either not allowed to see me or they hate what I have become..." He hadn't expected all of this to come pouring out. The plan had been to go there, apologize and be friends again so he could have at least one person left to give a shit about him. Now all of his anger and bitterness, and even his shame, had faded and he was left feeling empty. "I want... no I need someone to care. I don't mean that you have to love me or idolize me... just care that I am alive. Otherwise, what do I have to push me forward? I can't get out of this hole alone..."

(Ugh, sorry... not as good as I would like )

It was really hard with Devlin sometimes...there was not a lot of give and take in their relationship. He tended to make everything be about him, how he was feeling, how what he had done had affected his life, and how he needed forgiveness. It was not, at least did not appear, to be about Sophie at all. He couldn't stand the guilt anymore; he needed her because he didn't have any one else left. How was that fair? Had he even asked her how she'd been holding up, like for real? The conversation was all blurry to her, and she found herself missing Chance. It was so easy with him because they had a rhythm, they took care of one another; they lifted one another up. He needed her to love him too but the need didn't feel as raw...or maybe he was just more grateful.

Sighing Sophie pushed off the windowseat and sat down next to Devlin, "You could start by not telling me how awful your life is; and instead asking about my life," tucking a lock of stray hair behind her ear she looked at him very seriously for a moment as she nursed her bottom lip. He wasn't really going to understand what she tried to tell him; he wanted to feel sorry for himself. He wanted that to be enough - and maybe it should have been but her heart hurt. She tried to look at him and see all of the things she had seen before, the things she had thought were worth holding onto. She tried to let go of how it had felt to be dismissed as a child with a school girl crush. She wouldn't let herself feel vindicated because he suddenly realized he needed her...because would he need her if everyone else hadn't left him? It didn't do much for his case that she was not a fall back last resort.

Reaching out, finally, she brushed his hair from his forehead, "You know, before she died, my mom used to tell me all the time - when I would get upset, as you know I'm apt to do," she paused to give a little sniffle, the pad of her thumb rubbing lightly over the frustrated lines in his forehead, "she would tell me that the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. We get upset, we get angry, we get disappointed - but we feel those things because we care". She could feel the prick of tears behind her eyes as she looked down and away, her bottom lip red and mottled from the way she bit it. "I'm hurt and I'm angry because I care so much about you; because I know you - I know you're better than what you did. I don't want to lose faith in that or you," she stubbed rubbing his forehead then in favor of flicking away the tears that gathered at the corner of her eye, "But you have to.... look around you too Dev. You're not the only one who is in a hole they don't know how to get out of. We could compare sob stories all night  but come day beak it wouldn't change a thing, we'll still be in that damn hole".

"You could start by not telling me how awful your life is; and instead asking about my life,"

Yeah, that had been his intention. He had hoped that his apology would be accepted so he could make up his asshattery by providing her with a shoulder to cry on. Afterall, how many kids in Hogwarts had the history of deceased mothers to offer experience from? However that seemed redundant now since she would probably just write off his attempt to sympathize as him just trying to get back in her good graces. What was he supposed to do to get her to forgive him so they could move forward? Beg? Merlin he hoped not... he hated the idea of getting on his knees for anyone, especially after being tortured nearly to death.

"You know, before she died, my mom used to tell me all the time - when I would get upset, as you know I'm apt to do, she would tell me that the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. We get upset, we get angry, we get disappointed - but we feel those things because we care, I'm hurt and I'm angry because I care so much about you; because I know you - I know you're better than what you did. I don't want to lose faith in that or you, But you have to.... look around you too Dev. You're not the only one who is in a hole they don't know how to get out of. We could compare sob stories all night  but come day beak it wouldn't change a thing, we'll still be in that damn hole".

The coolness of her tiny hand caressing his forehead sent shivers of pleasure and relaxation down his spine. It was reminiscent of how his mother used to sooth him when he had nightmares as a child and it almost instantly calmed him down. His furrowed brow smoothed out and he closed his eyes as she spoke. He only opened them when the soothing presence of her hand left his forehead. Looking up at her, he saw that she was crying. His heart wrenched and he felt another wave of shame. He hated it when girls cried, especially when he was the cause of it. Sitting up, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her close "Go ahead and let it out. I know I haven't always been a great friend or even a friend at that... but I am here now and I want to be there for you..."

Sophie had been stonewalling her tears for about twenty days now. After the funeral, after going back to school, after the one night she let herself completely fall apart on Chance... she just hadn't anymore. She watched as her father drank, as Emily hide behind her books, as Ruby lost touch with reality. She wanted to pull them all back together; but without Ramona it seemed as though the Flickwicks had no idea how to function as a family anymore. Sophie hadn't even spoken to Johnny since the memorial - his drinking in the bloody rectory was the final straw for Sophie. At school she wanted normal - she wanted to be fifteen and not have a dead mother. She wanted her biggest problem to be that she liked a boy who liked her friend again.

Instead she had to watch as every single one of her friends dealt with the loss of Mama Flickwick in their own way. She hated the awkward stilted conversations, the looks of pity from people who hardly knew her... the way her supposed best friend was too consumed with how shitty it all was for her to even think about Sophie. The only person she felt she could really talk to was Griffon. Everyone else counted on her to be something other than what she felt; they wanted a Ramona replacement and she was the closest thing they had - and she wanted to give that to them. She wanted to be able to make her father laugh and bring warmth back into the house... she just didn't know how.

Her slender frame slumped against Devlin as the tears trickled down her cheek. There were no hysterical sobs, just quiet wet eyes; her hold body tired from carrying around the weight of being angry. Slowly her stomach loosened from the fist sized knot and her breathing became steady and even. For a long time she just stayed like that, with her head tucked beneath his chin, eyes slowly soaking his shirt. It felt like such an unbearable weight, just breathing knowing her mother wasn't asleep in the next room, knowing Duncan was passed out in his studio, that Ruby was probably busting into the liquor cabinet downstairs. When she finally spoke, her words were muffled, "They're all so lost. It's like we're not even on the same planet anymore, maybe not even the same galaxy - and the harder I try to put us together the further from me they get".

"They're all so lost. It's like we're not even on the same planet anymore, maybe not even the same galaxy - and the harder I try to put us together the further from me they get"

As she soaked his shirt through, lamenting about how deftly her family had been torn apart by her mothers death, Devlin was reminded greatly of his little sister Lucy. In fact, Sophie reminded him quite a bit of his baby sister, from her dark eyes and hair to her spitfire attitude. Perhaps that was why he always had a hard time seeing her as something other than a good friend. She was quite pretty and he knew that in a couple years that would become beautiful, but whenever he held her, it always felt like he was holding his little sister. Her attempt to hide her pain and keep a smile on also reminded him of Lulu, especially when she was crying on his shoulder just as she had done years ago. He hadn't been able to sooth Lulu in her time of need, but he was older now... less angry and more mature, whether anyone could believe that, and he felt like maybe he could help Sophie.

After several minutes of muffled sobs and sighs, Devlin spoke. His voice was soft and calm, laced with a maturity that few would ever expect from him "Everyone takes tragedy differently. Some act out... some shut down... some act like nothing happened. When my mother died, my siblings all reacted differently. My sister Lucy was like you... She tried so hard to be strong and keep smiling even though she was too young to be the mother of the family. It bothered me at first because I was so angry and I didn't know how she could do it, but I look back on it now and realize how much it must have torn her apart. It took years before she smiled for real. My brother Damon just shut down. He wasn't angry and he never cried, he simply didn't feel anything. For a while, we thought he went mute. He still doesn't talk much, but I think it has just become his thing... And my twin brothers Lyle and Dean became trouble makers. They started to pull pranks and get into the wrong crowd... thankfully they have mostly grown out of it..."

Reaching up, he ran his fingers through her hair gently "... As for me... I just lost faith in humanity. I became bitter and angry, pushing away my friends and loved ones. I lost a lot of friends then and it just seemed to cement my belief that people were only worth my time if they could offer me something... and well... what you see now is the result. I have few friends... my family is pretty much gone... and I have thrown my life away just to grasp at material gains..." He sighed and rested his chin on her head "I guess I am telling you this because I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did. You are better and deserve better then that. It's going to hurt for a while, but you can't lose your faith in others. They are going to need someone who has a good head on their shoulders..."

Leaning down, his pressed a light kiss to her forehead before smiling crookedly down at her "Everyone has a different method for dealing with pain... and if they are doing something to hurt themselves, get them help. Talk to a therapist or get rid of what is harming them. Talk to them too... sometimes all you need to do is tell someone that they are hurting more than just themselves." Tucking her hair behind her ear, he brushed his fingers against the soft skin of her cheek "They may not like it... but at least it will force them to think about what they are doing..."

"She was just so good at knowing what everyone needed. I don't know how to do that," wiping at her eyes Sophie took a deep breath. She knew what he was saying was true - well not the therapy bit; that would never come up in conversation with her family. They were too old fashioned; in both the Wizarding and Muggle ways. Besides, if she could barely tell her friends how she felt she doubted very much she could tell a stranger. There was the part of her that resented being the only one who seemed to care they were falling apart. Why was it her job to piece them back together? Why did she have to be the one to say something? It was a role Ruby had been practicing for most of her life; yet she had turned it away. Why couldn't Sophie?

She knew though, she knew she couldn't just let them all fall to pieces because it hurt her. It wasn't that she thought it didn't hurt her sister...Ruby just sort of broke under the weight of it all. There were so many things going on in their world; so many changes that would have happened whether Ramona had died that night or not. The fight before had been if Ruby moved out; now it was if Ruby comes home at all. In a way way she understood why the eldest Flickwick girl wouldn't want to come back. The house was devoid of what had formerly made it a home. There was no laughter, no light, no spicy smells from the kitchen. From all that Sophie  could tell her dad lived on take away and firewhiskey. She did not look forward to a summer spent in a place like that.

Yet, there was a part of her that was deeply resentful of the fact Ruby would just leave; just turn her back without a second thought. While all of this was ping ponging around in Sophie's head she became acutely aware of the fact Devlin Matthews was actually in her bed. She realized in a distant way it was probably strange that she didn't feel anything about it at all other than an all consuming sadness that she felt nothing about it. There had been a time when her hands would have shook and her knees gone weak. She'd have glittered and giggled and teased... now he was doing what she'd always wanted him to do and it felt empty. Well, not empty, it was comforting - it just didn't cause a million butterflies to erupt in her stomach like it would have previously.

At long last, when all the tears seemed to have been cried and all she could feel was the weirdness of having a boy in her bed that she had formerly loved settled in Sophie tilted her head up to look at him. Had the last few months really killed all romantic inklings she had for him? She still cared; she wanted him to do something with his life but the all consuming desire to have him look at her the way he looked at Fauna was gone. She didn't want that anymore. Her brow furrowed as she inspected his face - he looked and felt exactly the same; the only thing that had changed then was her. "Is this weird? With us I mean? A million and one day dreams of being alone with you in my room...and now this".

"She was just so good at knowing what everyone needed. I don't know how to do that,"

"Yeah...Me neither..." Devlin murmured distantly, remembering how hard it had been to take over the adult role when his mother died. He and Sophie shared that pain, with fathers who drowned their pain in liquor and siblings who pretended nothing had happened in a desperate attempt to not break apart. He just sincerely hoped that Sophie didn't let it destroy her like he allowed it to do to him. She was too pure and sweet to be filled with such anger. He was fairly sure that her tiny body would tear at the seams if she didn't find a way to release all that pent up anger. The thought made him tighten his grip on her, as though he could keep her from exploding.

With her tears finally drying, the mood in the room begin to change. Suddenly he was aware of the fact that this was her bedroom, he was on her bed and she was in her pjs next to him. Post-Fauna Devlin realized very well that he was a 17 year old boy sitting on a bed, holding a soon to be 16 year old, cute, girl. It wasn't that he had never noticed before, but for some reason the little fight-slash-therapy-slash-cryfest made him notice it even more. His thoughts begin to be rerouted to other brains and he found himself wondering if it was a faux-pas to give her a kiss. They were friends again, right? She forgave him and all that, as far as he knew... so why not seal the deal with a peck on the lips? He was about to bend down and plant one on her cherry tinted lips when she cut him off.

"Is this weird? With us I mean? A million and one day dreams of being alone with you in my room...and now this".

Devlin paused, mid-lean, and considered what to do. Her comment was... well it was confusing. On one hand, considering the situation, it could easily be construed that she was suggesting they should act on those day dreams. On the other hand, should his assumption be incorrect and she wasn't feeling anything romantic... that would not make things better. Studying her face, he said slowly "... Yeah... Here we are... What do we do now?"

She thought of kissing him anyway, despite the lack of butterflies and the fact it felt very strange how little...real emotion she felt at having her first boy in her room. Well, neither of those statements were entirely true; he was the first boy no one knew was in her room and she did feel things for him (they just weren't the things she had previously felt). Still as he leaned his head down she instinctively tilted hers to the side before catching herself and bracing a small hand against his chest and looking down. There were lots of reasons not to kiss Devlin Matthews, not the least of which was the fact he'd dated one of her best friends. It felt disloyal on several levels to just...let it happen and fall into place like she'd wanted not so many months ago.

Looking at him with earnest eyes, her full bottom lip caught between her teeth as a crease formed in her brow, "The thing is, see..." she trailed off, unsure of how exactly to say what it was she was feeling because it was all still so mixed up and her brain, and her stomach, and her heart were all telling her to do different things at once for different reasons. Really she'd only just broken up with Figaro; and whatever he was doing she had really liked him - even if no one understood why. Of course there was Fauna to think about too and also the whole having a dead mother thing; really when was it all ok to go back to wanting to make out with boys after something like that? And, even if she didn't want to admit it; she knew it would disappoint Chance and that mattered in a way she couldn't explain.

"The thing about kissing you is, even though you're a really good looking boy, who previously I thought a lot about sneaking up to my room," her mouth sort of pulled to one side as she took a deep breath "for the rest of my life you will also be that guy who dated one of my best friends; who fell in love with one of my best friends". She didn't add that he was the boy who made her feel like she would always be second best to someone like Fauna because he wasn't really the only one; and he had "explained" how that happened. Deep down she knew that she would always wonder if...when he kissed her he had or would be thinking of someone else. She couldn't deal with that kind of pressure. Her poor little heart had been through too much.

"Even if it isn't true...I think I'll always feel like a consolation prize, the girl you get when the girl you want doesn't want you anymore" sucking on her bottom lip she looked at him helplessly, trying to reassure herself honesty was always the best policy, "I deserve more than being that girl".

"The thing is, see..."

His expression fell the moment she said this, knowing full well what was coming next. As she went on, his suspicion was quickly becoming factual. Ye olde 'lets just be friends' speech. Though he would like to pretend he had never gotten one before, he most certainly had his share of them. What was worse is that he didn't even get a decent snog or grope out of it! She wasn't even giving him a chance! But then, did he deserve a chance? That irritating little voice of conscious in the back of his mind told him that he really, honestly, didn't. Not after all the shit he pulled lately.

"Even if it isn't true...I think I'll always feel like a consolation prize, the girl you get when the girl you want doesn't want you anymore I deserve more than being that girl".

Devlin nodded, sucking his lips in and pulling away. "Yeah... Yeah, you're right..." He said softly, hating every word that came out of his mouth "... You do deserve better..." This admittance took the last bit of resistance out of him and his shoulders slumped as the reality of the words weighed on his shoulders. She did deserve better. A guy who wouldn't think of using her to make another girl jealous... a guy who wouldn't get caught framing other people... a guy who didn't risk everyone around hims life because he didn't want to go to jail. She really deserved any guy but him, which meant that Fauna deserved better as well. This hurt far more then he wanted to admit.

Releasing her shoulders, he laid back again and stared at the ceiling. He recalled what the aurors told him when he offered to spy for them, about how he and everything he loved would be in danger if he screwed up. Maybe it was best that he just didn't see her at all, as a friend or a lover. If she or Fauna or Alex or any of his actual friends got hurt... he would never forgive himself. "... It's best for both of us if nothing happened anyways... All I really needed to know is that you were okay and that...well... we were okay. If anything happened to me, I just wanted to know that someone had my back." He chuckled before it dawned on him that he might be worrying her "... Hypothetically, I mean... It's just something that has kept me up at night lately..."