Outfit

Quinn sat on edge of the lake, tightly hugging her knees. Sophie had replied to her message, but she arranged for the two former friends to meet up, and Quinn couldn't predict how the youngest Flickwick would act. The last time they'd try to make amends, there'd been a lot of screaming, tears and insults - but things were different now. At least, Quinn thought the circumstances were mostly unjust and extremely difficult. She still couldn't even comprehend losing her own mother, or any other relative, and the least she could do was be there. Despite their differences, they had been close, and Quinn missed Sophie's friendship more than words could describe.

It was late evening, and the orange glow of the setting sun enveloped the lake's surface in its warm, dusky embrace. She hadn't bothered to change out of her uniform, and Quinn had headed to the spot as soon as she'd got the message. She bit her lip a little, and the mild feeling of nervousness bubbled quietly in the pit of her stomach; although Quinn knew Sophie was a lovely girl deep down, she couldn't shake an imaginary scene from her head. What if, in the worst possible case, Sophie was merely returning the box? What if she didn't want anything to do with Quinn? The blonde shuddered - she deserved most of the treatment she got, and she just wanted to be batting for the Flickwick team again in their hour of need.

It'd been a strange few month, and Quinn wasn't sure how she felt about anything any more. First, the argument with Sophie, then Devlin's expulsion, Quinn drifting away from old friends and now, Ramona Flickwick's death. She couldn't handle how dire everybody's situation had become; Quinn had sent the gift of commemoration to Sophie in good faith and honest motives - it was up to the recipient whether the two patched things up.

Picking up an early Spring daisy, Quinn toyed with it in between her thumb and index finger, spinning it around aimlessly. It was strange to see her without that big, goofy smile, without the hysterical laughter and the ridiculous jokes. It was starting to hit her that nobody was seventeen forever.

Sophie hadn't exactly been avoiding Quinn. She hadn't actually been avoiding anyone lately - she just... didn't know what to say anymore. Her life was what it was - but she wasn't sure what that was. She wasn't sure how everyone fit in anymore. Watching Ruby go under Sophie was forced from her usual role of the breakaway doll; the one who fell apart and ha to be put together. Some days she still couldn't grasp the idea that her mother was gone; how could she be gone when so much of her was everywhere around them. Sophie couldn't look at an Auror without thinking of her mum.

She tried to remember everything - but the harder she tried the more she felt the little things slipping from her. She had hated being back in the house; walking through the kitchen and everything being still. It hurt to breathe in that house. She had never been more ready to be back at Hogwarts - but even that was hard. Everyone expressed grief in their own way, and as much as everyone wanted to be there for her she also knew that they were suffering too. There wasn't a friend of the girls' that hadn't been adopted by Ramona; doted on by her. She was the mother that remembered everyone, their favorite foods, and allergies. She was super mom.

These were the thoughts constantly sneaking into her brain - wherever she went, whatever she was doing. It was why she had taken so long to write Quinn back. She just didn't know what to say anymore. Their last stab at trying to fix things went horribly. Sophie had a temper - but at the time she felt like Quinn just offered a lot of reasons why Sophie shouldn't be mad and why it hurt her that Sophie wouldn't forgive her. In Sophie's eyes apologies were simple you said you were sorry for the things you had done to the injured party - there was no but this is why I did it or this is how you fucked up too. There was just...I'm sorry I hurt you.

Without a word she took a seat next to Q on the lake bank. She folded her legs and looked out over the water. She didn't even know where to start this mess. She just wanted the fighting to be over. Life was so short and you never knew when it would be your last chance to say the things you needed to say... but what did she need to say to Quinn? "Hey..." seemed like a decent place to start.

Quinn barely noticed Sophie edging closer towards her on the lake bank until she finally sat down next to the blonde. The silence in the air was surreal. Quinn simply put her arm over Sophie's shoulders and sighed, giving her a warm smile through watery eyes.
"Hey, you..." she murmured and her arm remained, as if protecting Sophie from the dangers outside of their little bubble at the side of the lake. "You're wearing the bracelet." Quinn gave another smile and lightly touched the gold heart charm: Sophie had liked it after all. It was the least she could do in absence of her own presence, and Quinn took another deep breath. If it helped even the tiniest little bit in making Sophie feel remotely happier, then Quinn was happy.

It was a minute or two before she could even contemplate saying anything; everybody was so sorry, and everybody knew how much of an amazing woman Ramona was. Sophie didn't need it reiterating again - she'd know exactly that Quinn thought it. But, something inside her needed to say something, anything. Just having Sophie sat next to her nearly reduced Quinn to tears. She was so brave, so extraordinary. Having her there just reminded the blonde of all the good and bad times they'd shared, the laughs, the tears, the conflict.

"I'm so sorry, Sophie," she finally uttered, her voice cracking under the nerves. "I'm so sorry, for everything. For John, for your mother, for ruining it, for being an absolute idiot." Her arm tightened around Sophie once more, squeezing her former friend's arm. She looked out towards the lake, her breathing becoming a little more steady. No matter how hard she tried to be strong for Sophie, buds of water appeared on the brink of her eyelids, and she swallowed hard. "There's nothing I can say, and there's nothing I can do, but I miss you."

Quinn turned her eyes to Sophie's and managed a smile. "I miss you, so much."

Sophie looked down at her wrist and gave her a small smile and a nod, "I know... I should have written back sooner. I just," she paused as Quinn launched into her apology. Sophie listened with an open heart because that was all there was left to do. She wasn't even sixteen yet and she was already so tired of the fighting and the drama. Things that had once seemed so all consuming and important were now... well they just paled in comparison. Maybe you had to go through real loss and suffering to understand how to forgive people. Yes, Quinn being with John had hurt - but it was a selfish kind of hurt; the hurt of a person who felt abandoned. In retrospect other than the constant fighting between them there was really no reason for it to have hurt her so much.

She could find reasons to justify it; there were always reasons and some of them might have even been valid - but sitting next to Q all she could think about was how lonely it could be to lose a boyfriend and a best friend in the same day. She understood that pain; after all Fig was still...whatever with her. She didn't blame him. She'd been insane leading up to the attacks. It was all gone now though, faded into the background of this one life defining event. In Sophie's world there would always be life with her mother and the life that came after she was gone. It was heavy stuff to know at fifteen. Facing reality had never been Sophie's strong point, she was idealistic to a fault. She expected things like perfect love and perfect faith in an imperfect world.

When Q was finished Sophie didn't say anything for a little while. She let the apology hang in the air before she leaned over and kissed the other girl's cheek, "Doesn't matter love. Water under a broken bridge. I'm sorry I froze you out". Sophie hugged her tightly resting her forehead on the other girl's shoulder. There were some people who might have seen this as her being bought off but it wasn't that at all - it wasn't the bracelet or the pretty box it was that despite whatever hateful things they had said to one another Quinn had reached out. You would find flaws in anybody if that's all you were looking for - Sophie was just tired of trying to block out the good memories too. Reaching out she popped open the charm and showed Q the picture on one side was of them and the other was written  "Love your crooked neighbor with all your crooked heart" on a slip of parchment.

Quinn gazed out on the lake, resting her head on Sophie's. A few silent tears trickled down blotchy red cheeks, and Quinn sighed - a mixture of relief and nerves. The situation was so surreal. Never in a million years did she think this could happen; it was only last summer when her and Sophie had been best friends, before John, before they lost Ramona. So much could happen in a year, and things had changed so rapidly and so brutally that it frightened the life out of her. Humans were so fragile, in every single way: in their relationships, in their friendships, in their life span. People were fickle, and everything could alter in one split action, in one second, somebody's life could turn upside down.

Glancing down at the locket on Sophie's bracelet, she smiled and instantly gave Sophie a soft kiss on the forehead.
"That's lovely," she replied, pressing her thumb lightly over the photo. Sophie looked beautiful, smiling at the camera whilst Quinn was pulling the goofiest face possible, before the image of her broke into a natural grin. Quinn chuckled quietly, so glad to have Sophie back by her side. It seemed like explanations were redundant, and unnecessary. There was an unspoken understanding between Sophie and Quinn - they'd been through so much, and the elder Gryffindor was more than happy to help her through the biggest tragedy to ever hit the Flickwicks. That's what friends were for.

"How is everyone doing, considering..." Quinn trailed off, not wanting to state the obvious. Even though she'd not seen the family for months, each individual family member was etched clearly in her mind - Quinn had been a familiar fixture within the household. "I mean, how have you been coping, Sophie?" There was no brashness, or loudness, or tomfoolery; it was Quinn in one of her rare, calm moments when the world felt like it'd stopped spinning, and that everything else on the planet had ground to a halt. None of it seemed real.

Sophie took a deep breath and let out a low sigh. She closed her eyes and braced herself to tell the story again... only she didn't have to lie to Quinn. There were people who could know and people who couldn't. If a person were to know, to truly understand how in love with Ramona Duncan had been his actions made sense. To the outsiders...he was a father falling down on the job. Sophie was surprised when he'd managed to pull himself together long enough for the memorial. Of course Nan probably had something to do with that - even now that he was forty Magda Flickwick could pull that parenting leash tight and shame him into behaving the way he should. She gave him just enough rope to hang himself with.

Swallowing Sophie didn't look at Quinn directly; instead her brown eyes focused on the little wind waves on the lake's surface, "One day at a time," when she finally spoke her voice was soft and far away sounding. "I wake up, I get dressed, and I go to breakfast - and every step of the way I feel people look at me. It sounds absolutely ridiculous but I don't think I realized Mum was a person until she was dead". It sounded so strange when she said it out loud; how could one not realize their parent was a person? "I mean... there was a life before me and a life after me; she wasn't just born being my mother. It's a strange feeling that, realizing you are not the center of your parents' universe," there was a strange sort of sad laugh that punctuated that thought as she finally looked at Q.

"Da and Johnny are in pretty rough shape. No one likes talking about their feelings... I woke up one night and Da was sitting on the foot of my bed crying - smelled like he'd been pickled in whiskey," she gave a small sniff looking away and fingering the locket at her neck, "He told me he was sorry; that he knew he was failing us as a father. He told me I would always be his little Monkey Girl and kissed my forehead," dragging the long chain across her chin she looked down at her feet, "John's just angry all the time; and drunk. Emily doesn't know what to do but she and Ruby seem to have fallen onto one another..." she trailed off as if there was no more to say. Sophie had been like a Zombie for days after Ramona's death, even when she first came back. It was Ruby's memorial speech that snapped her paralysis.

They were all still alive and that meant they had to keep living. They had to put one foot in front of the other every single day - no matter how hard it was. The shock to her system had forced Sophie to step outside of her role as the youngest and loudest. She couldn't fall back on everyone else because they were suffering too - it was making her grow. And painful though it was - in a way it had been her mother's last gift to her; to help her transition from self centered child to a socially and self aware young woman. The delivery was pretty shit though.

"I know what you mean," Quinn said in agreement, keen to make Sophie feel that she wasn't the only one who thought it about their parents. She often found herself contemplating her mum and dad's life pre-Quinn: when they were just Henry and Lynette. She couldn't even picture her mother's face when she found out that Henry himself was a part-Irish, part-Belgian pureblood wizard that was a commentator for a sport upon broomsticks named Quidditch. His then-girlfriend, now-wife was just a secretary born and bred in East London - the humble, down-to-earth sort of girl. It must've been such a shock. "We seem to think life started when we did."

The mention of John still made Quinn's heart drop, and even though every inch of her hated but loved him at the same time, she still cared for him as much as she did for Sophie. They meant a lot to her - and they always would.
"Everybody handles this sort of tragedy in their own way, Soph," Quinn tried to reason, her arm never dropping from the younger girl's shoulders. "Whether people start to drink to take the pain away, or fall upon each other for support, there's no right or wrong way to go about it. Grieving is different for different people - John and your dad are just trying to sort themselves out. It's all anyone can do." She glanced down to Sophie, and her free hand lightly stroked the other girl's hand in comfort. This exchange had been so overdue, but now it was happening, it was as if there'd never been a fall-out, never been any conflict. It was just Quinn and Sophie, and nothing else mattered besides their friendship.

"I know you're devastated," Quinn almost whispered, her voice light and a lump forming in the back of her throat. "But it'll get better. I know it's the worst thing to ever happen, but it will get better, I promise you. There'll be good days, and there'll be days when all you want is your mum, but she's always going to be here. Just because she can't reply doesn't mean you can't still speak to her. Somewhere, she's listening, and she's so proud Sophie, I just know it." Quinn gritted her teeth, keen to hold back tears for Sophie - it wasn't her who'd lost her mother and whose family was in a mess, but there was something particularly painful about it all. The Flickwicks didn't need this, they didn't deserve this. Nobody did. "And all you can do is look forward to the day when you'll see her again, because you will meet her again. All you can do is live in a way that honours your mum's memory."

Sophie gave a small laugh and shook her head; "It's weird you know - to think of her when she was just a little older than Ruby. She was already working at the Ministry, she was married, pregnant with Johnny - but she never seemed to resent the fact she married young and didn't have...wild adventures like my aunt and uncles did. She told Ruby once she was busy having another adventure; being married to a Flickwick and raising one at the same time," at least there were some things Sophie could recount with amusement. It was still hard. She wondered about some things - did her mother really not resent being saddled so young with so much? Had she dreamed of something bigger than the ministry? Had she ever wanted to go back to New York and live? What might have been if Duncan hadn't thrown up on her shoes that night?

The thought line was a rabbit hole she had to keep herself from going down all the time. Most often it occurred to her when she was watching Ruby. In the days since their mother's death she had changed. She was more distant; but Sophie knew for a fact she wasn't taking the internship with the Werewolf Liaison office Ramona had set up... and as far as Sophie knew her plans to move out after finishing her N.E.W.T.S hadn't changed. Sophie sighed and shook her head; glancing over at Quinn, "It isn't right. Nan and Ruby shouldn't have had to do everything," it was one of the first times Sophie had ever had the misfortune to realize her father was not the man she had always imagined him to be.

"They lost just as much as the rest of us...and maybe there is no right way to grieve; but just hiding out from the rest of us is wrong. We needed both of them and they just weren't there," she didn't sound angry exactly, it was more disappointment than anything.  In a way she was ashamed of the way Duncan and John had acted, the way they had just buried their heads in the sand. It wasn't the Flickwick way - wasn't it Duncan who had told her to stomp around in her big bad Sophie boots and make a scene just a few months ago? Toying with her locket she just sighed and closed her eyes, "It makes me question everything Q; the things I've believed in my whole life. You know SAWS has been such a part of this last year and I can't even fathom stepping into that next meeting". Turning her eyes skywards she gave a nod at Quinn's last words; "The trouble is...I'm fifteen and I need her here now...not in how every many years it takes me to join her on the other side:.

Quinn listened to Sophie intently, hanging on every word, her arm never falling from her friend's shoulder. It was like she'd grown up so much since the tragedy - she'd had to. Sophie had undergone a tragedy with a subsequent transformation that nobody would wish upon a mere Hogwarts pupil. Quinn felt as if she and everybody around her were invincible - as if nobody would come into harms way. But, her illusion had been shattered, the fragility of human beings was all too apparent with the death of Ramona Flickwick.

"I know for a fact that your mother had no regrets," Quinn stated, conviction beginning to overcome the strain of her tearful vocal chords. "She married young, sure, but she has a lovely, amazing husband, and has had the pleasure of raising daughters and a son that would make any parent proud." She planted a kiss on Sophie's cheek, giving her a warm smile. "Your mum had a wonderful adventure with all of you, and her adventure hasn't even ended, Sophie. Neither has yours." Quinn's belief in the afterlife was both optimistic and endearing - there was no way that she could believe in there being nothing. All energy had to go somewhere, and the sheer energy of an individual had to be transported somewhere, anywhere. Looking at the sky, she knew that Sophie's mother was watching.

Quinn felt a tinge of sadness smother her optimism: of course Sophie needed her mother now, and there was no single individual that could be a replacement. It just wasn't possible, no matter how Quinn wanted it to be.
"Your family need time to heal," Quinn murmured, resting her head on top of Sophie's. "Losing somebody so important can always cause some splits, but they're temporary. I know that your dad and John will pull through, and you'll all face this together."

She paused, sighing at the thought of John - he could be so tactless at times. Quinn knew him, and loved him, and there was no way she could even comprehend that sadness that surrounded the Flickwicks at that time, yet Quinn wanted to give him a shake, to tell him to be there for Sophie, Ruby and Emily. "I know you need your mum right now," she begun once again, trying so hard to remain strong for her friend. "But you know, whenever you want to get away, I only live on the other side of London. If you want to come round for some dinner, and just lounge about and forget about things, my door will always be open, Sophie." It was the least the blonde could do.

Quinn was trying so hard. Sophie needed to cut her a break - she was doing the best she could to be supportive. For Sophie, however, the way everyone kept talking like Ramona wasn't really gone and she would be looking over them... the thought made her more angry than anything. She didn't like to admit it, but a part of her needed someone to blame and there was no one yet. The ministry hadn't released anymore information; they had no inside contact. So, Sophie blamed Ramona herself. She didn't give voice to this blame because some part of her was incredibly ashamed for feeling it. She did feel it though, the idea that if her mother could just be still and not have to have twenty million jobs going at once; if she had just come home that night she would still be alive.

Nineteen days after the attacks she still counted, she thought of the before and how life would never be that simple again. She thought of the holidays that would come and go, birthdays that she would never share with her mother again. It hurt her heart. She was still counting; thinking in life in terms of before and after. She didn't think that would ever stop. She might count for the rest of her life the moments that pass by without Ramona's calming influence. She just... she wanted someone to understand that there was never going to be a moment in her life that she didn't hurt. She would not wake up one day and suddenly feel "better". The void in her life was permanent. When she did well on her OWLS there would be no Ramona to cheer her on, when she finished her NEWTS her cheering section would have a gaping hole in it. When she grew up, fell in love, got married - her mother wouldn't help her pick out a dress, wouldn't pass down jewelry, wouldn't be there to help her get ready. She would never hold the babies Sophie made, never live to see the name grandmother - from any of her children. That void would be with Sophie for the rest of her life in a way that only her siblings could understand.

She knew Q meant well, she really did - but it didn't make the hurting stop. Sophie just gave her a small smile and kissed her cheek, "I know Quinn... I know. Thank you... for trying to make this easier for me," she meant it too. She knew that in the face of everything they had gone through Quinn could have just turned away; it would be more comfortable for her to turn away. It was so easy to ignore other people's pain - but Q wasn't doing that. She was going to embrace it in the hopes of helping Sophie survive. It was admirable to say the least. "The locket, the picture... it was good to think of a time when things were so much less complicated. I just didn't know... how to say that at first. I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all have just been a bad dream... but in small ways I think Mum is still ushering change. Emmy and I are closer than we've been since I was little - that's a start," she tried to sound positive but well. It was hard.