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Outfit

Today was about distraction.  The two weeks leading up to midterms had provided plenty reasons for her to not have to think about the state of her marriage or the fact that for the first time since they wed she would likely not be seeing her husband on Christmas.  Unless of course Vivienne and Moira plotted against her to have him over for dinner, which was very likely.  They had been relatively vague when she asked the a few days earlier, something that made her a bit uneasy.

Isaac had been nice enough to agree to meet her at the Winter Festival for the day and she was due to go to the mixer at the Ministry that night.  Part of her didn’t want to go to another social event, but she felt it was important given her position in the school.  At least her smile didn’t feel as forced lately, so perhaps an evening out could be a good thing.

She made her way towards the eggnog stand offering to get two while Isaac stopped at one of the shops to look for a present.  As to who it was for she had no idea as he didn’t seem too keen on answering her questions.  Knowing her friend and judging by the blushing it was for more then just a causal acquaintance.  She was planning to question him further as the only female he seemed to mention lately outside of an academic sense was the sister of one of the students.  Somehow she doubted Isaac Fraiser would be carrying on with someone who couldn't be much older then twenty.

Approaching the stand she give the man behind the counter a small smile laying a few coins down and said, “Two please.”

The crisp winter's day was not a reflection of Wilton's mood, nor his worn attire.  He had come out to the Forbidden Forest on an expedition to find some specific ingredients for wandcrafting, and stumbled upon the winter festival.

Although the sun sparkled on the ground, and the village looked ready for the coming Holiday season, it did nothing to raise Wilton spirits since he and Anna had become estranged to each other these past two months.
It didn't matter there Wilton went, every time that he would see a flash of flaxen gold, he would think that Anna was there.  Diagon, muggle London, Salisbury, Croydon, Leicester... It never seemed to matter where, everything reminded him of her.

Here was another example.  Down the road before him were booths lining the streets as people shopped for Christmas presents for their family and friends.  There at the end, sipping a cup of what could be eggnog was a flaxen haired Goddess that he could swear was Anna.  But she had no need to be in Hogsmeade, she worked at St. Mungos, not Hogwarts. 

The way to the apparition point would take him directly past this woman, so he would know if it was.  Walking slowly down the lane, people moving out of his way, the shabby appearance of a destitute man, or at least one not caring about appearance.  He was hunched by the weight of the pack on one shoulder containing wood, and other magical foci that could not be shrunken nor have any magic applied to them.

His stare bore into the woman as he moved closer, the scowl on his face deepening as her features continued to become more and more those of his estranged wife.

Taking a sip of her eggnog, a second in her other hand, Anna took a step away from the stand to wait for Isaac to come back from wherever it was he had felt the need to wander off to.  Slowly she took in some of the people around her, there were a few familiar faces of students from Hogwarts, but most were strangers.  Her gaze traveled down the lane and she froze when here eyes fell upon the scowl that was fixed on the face of the very man she had been trying desperately not to think about.

She suspected by the way he was walking and the pack he carried that he had been in the forest finding wood for his wands.  He certainly didn’t look pleased to see her, and she looked away for a moment suddenly very glad she was wearing gloves and he wouldn’t be able to tell that she had left her wedding band at home.

For the first few weeks she had worn it on the chain of her necklace that she always wore which had been a gift from him.  No one really asked any questions about her married life that way as she had been keeping the necklace tucked inside her tops.  After the staff party though, when she had gone completely without the simple gold band for the entire evening, she had simply left it tucked away in her jewelry box.

Glancing back at her approaching estranged husband she felt a wave of confusion wash over her.  She was still angry.  It would take a lot to undo the damage that had been done by their fighting, and she was well aware she wasn’t the only one who was hurt by what had happened.  There were times it had taken all her strength not to go over to the shop and beg for a chance to start fresh.  Yet, she needed to know who she was alone first.  She had been with him every day for the past few years and if she hadn’t married him she doubted she would have remained away from London for as long as she had.  She needed to stand on her own two feet for a while before she could go back.

“Wilton,” she said when he was close enough.  “I…wasn’t expecting to see you here.”  It was a strain to even string the words together.  They were the first she had spoken to him since moving out, and she had a feeling they wouldn’t be the last that afternoon.

As he moved closer, he saw that she looked relaxed for once.  Something she had not been for a very long time.  At the same time it angered him that while he spent nights tossing and turning in anguish, both at himself, and at her for the stupidity of their arguments, for the pain he had caused her, and that she had caused him.  And all of this seemingly over something that only fate could provide them.

Wilton bowed as best he could considering the load he carried. "Arian.. I mean Ms Wickwood.  Had I known that this festival as going on, I would not have come."  He looked at the glass of eggnog in her hand.  Pain crossed his features Am I already so forgettable? Did I not provide for her?  "I see you are not alone.  You should enjoy your company as you have so obviously no need of mine."

He turned then so that the tear that ran along his cheek would not be seen. "A Happy Christmas to you Miss.  And the New Year to follow."  His voice was hollow.  His own Christmas would be far from happy.

He had been continually receiving invitations to dinner from Arianna's family, and had to eventually shut off his floo access after repeatedly informing them he would not be attending any meals.  Christmas this year would be spent visiting an old friend in Paris, or at least the grave of said friend.

He shuffled his feet and adjusted the pack again, as he moved off down the high street toward the train station.

She hadn’t been expecting the complete coldness, the formality.  It was true they hadn’t spoken in weeks, but they were still legally husband and wife.  A wave of anger passed over her and she was certain it read on her face, but she pushed it aside rather quickly.  There was no need to cause a scene, and she didn’t want to argue with him.  She took another sip of her eggnog trying to compose herself.

He looked down then and she knew he noticed that she was holding a second drink.  His statement caused her to look away, especially when he wished her a happy Christmas referring to her as ‘miss.’  All the times she had wondered if he might want to attempt to work through whatever had brought them to this moment had apparently been a complete waste of time.  He was moving off again and with a sigh she turned on her heels and followed him.

“You don’t get to just do that, Wilton,” she said to his back moving quickly to catch up.  “You don’t get to accuse me of casting you aside and moving on and then walk away.  I am still your wife…And I have spent I don’t know how many nights trying to figure out how we got to this point…how it is that I’ve ended up losing sight of myself completely and in doing so lost sight of us.”

She didn’t care if anyone heard, something about his demeanor had awoken the pain she had thought she was starting to overcome.  Taking a breath she added, “And for the record, I’m here with Isaac Fraiser, you remember my old friend from school.  He thought I could use a little distraction instead of moping around Adam and Vivienne’s all day trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do now.”

"He thought I could use a little distraction instead of moping around Adam and Vivienne’s all day trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do now.”

Her voice was cold, and angry.  It felt like someone taking a knife and driving it deeply into his body, twisting and prying him open. Wilton stopped in his step.  He would not however turn to face her.  Not now.  Not like this. His own words echoed in his head as he relived the bitterness that had devoured his soul seeing her there and potentially with someone else.

"Lost sight of yourself?  Did we lose sight of everything in wanting to have a family? Is that not what you wanted Anna?" His voice was just above a whisper as he dare not trust himself to not scream out in anguish.  "Am I that ghastly a person that after all the loss of late of my Uncle, my cousin and only weeks ago of Jacques, my brother in all but blood?"  His voice had broken as he spoke and as he faltered under the immense pain.

"Yes you have Vivienne and Adam.  They have tried to console me, to persuade me to come back to your side. Every night one of them would come and try to move me, until I had to shut down the floo." He looked up at her the despair evident in his face as his eyes darted across the features of her face, the eyes he loved so, the nose, the shape of her face.

"I'm not able or ready to face this.  Not now and not yet."

She closed her eyes when he spoke, having halted just a step to his side.  How had they gotten to this point?  The prospect of settling down and finally starting the family they had always talked about had seemed like such a wonderful idea.  Yet, after so many failed attempts at conceiving the anger grew and the fighting had hit a terrible low point.

“We placed all of our energy in that perfect image we had in mind of a perfect little family,” she said.  “Each passing month I felt more and more like a failure to you that I wasn’t pregnant.  All I wanted was to give you a little happiness in a time of such sorrow.  Maybe I do want a baby too, but I can’t keep on hating myself every time it doesn’t happen.”

She wasn’t the only one at fault, but it felt that way sometimes.  He had said terrible things in the heat of anger, and it would take time still to truly move past that…if that was what was meant to be.  She was confused.  In coming to Hogwarts she had found a peace she hadn’t expected…without her husband at her side.  It occurred to her though that was perhaps the piece he was missing when he considered her words about losing herself along the way.

“Until that night we were together nearly every day of our marriage,” she said softly.  “Yes, I was happy being your wife, traveling, studying…but I started to rely on you to be sole support.  I didn’t have to stand up for myself because you were there to protect me.  How can I be a good mother and come back to you as a good wife if I can’t stand on my own two feet.  Marriage is a partnership, but you have to be able to truly continue to be an independent person outside of that as well”

Wilton began to stutter at that point.  His whole perception of what had come between them shifted.

"I never meant... that is... I always thought..."  A bench sat against the wall of a nearby shop, and Wilton found himself stumbling stunned over to it and unceremoniously plunking himself down onto the frosted and semi-iced wood.  The pack filled with the treasures of the forest now lay spilling its contents at his feet.

Deep heaving breaths rocked his shoulders as his hands were drawn over his face, rough from the many days of stubble growing there, and the hands caloused from years of working with the woods and ingredients making wands.

Wilton had always thought himself a considerate husband.  Looking after Anna, had been his one true desire for their entire relationship.  It was his sole purpose to ensure that his wife, his darling wife had wanted for nothing, and yet in doing so... "I am as bad as Bryce.  Not in controlling you Anna, but in smothering you and not allowing you to be your own person."

Wilton's eyes showed a tiredness , an exhaustion that he had never experienced before.  "I deserve your scorn and hatred.  I am a wretched man, one who behaves in as bad a manner as those who would abuse women, and yet my abuse is worse than mere physicality.  Mine is of the psyche."

He was defeated.  There was just no fight or energy left.

She watched him for a moment as he practically collapsed onto a nearby bench.  This wasn’t supposed to be happening to them.  Their relationship was supposed to be strong then this, and to watch it practically fall apart before her eyes had kept her head spinning a bit over the past few weeks.  She blinked back tears, refusing to lose herself in the frustration and pain.

With a sigh she moved towards the bench, setting the two eggnogs on the ledge of the window behind it before settling next to him.  She was a woman completely torn.  She couldn’t simply go back to him, there was too much she still needed to work through on her own.  However was avoiding him completely really helping the situation?  Wasn’t she simply hurting him more?  That was certainly not what she wanted.

“I allowed myself to get lost in us,” she said, folding her hands in her lap and looking straight a head.  “There are two of us in this marriage and I am as much to blame for getting to this point.”

She gave a slight shrug as she continued, “I think that I was understandably quick to latch on to the idea of finding home with someone.  After the mess with Brice and my parents cutting me off completely…When I found you, someone kind and considerate and the steady guy who would be there, I just threw myself completely into trying to be the perfect wife.”

She had come to that conclusion long before that moment.  Of course it had come after a lot of rather painful soul searching and spending time in quiet self-reflection.  She hated the process, but it had taught her quiet a bit.  Looking down at her gloved hands she unlaced them slowly and reached out to take his.  This was not the way they should be spending the days leading up to Christmas.

“I don’t hate you…I never could,” she said softly.  “You’re a good man, and I do want to try to patch our marriage back together.  I don’t want to throw away all the good times we’ve had because we’ve hit a low point.  It’s just going to take a little time.  Only I can figure out who I am…that’s not something we can do together.”

When Anna had said that she had thrown herself into being the perfect wife, it was enough to make Wilton cringe.  "I never asked for the perfect wife.  I wanted you always Anna.  The Arianna that I met all those years ago.  The talented, bewitching mediwitch that I lost my heart to."

He agreed that only she could find herself again, although he had never realized that she had become lost. "I must admit that it hasn't taken me long to fall into this true funk I am in now Anna.  Until today all I have felt was betrayal and bitterness.  But worst of all was betrayal, no not betrayal by you, but by which ever divinities up there are truly looking down upon us."

Wilton sighed, he had a great deal of self pondering to do, and although he still felt the need to encircle Anna in his embrace, she still needed her space.  So did he.  "If I have another request for Christmas from Adam or Vivienne, I will do my best to be there."  He smiled wryly. "I'll even try and make sure I am cleaned up and look proper."  His face became clouded with emotion again.  "I... I'd best be headed back to the shop.  You... you need your space and I will honor that to the best I am able."  He still had not strength to stand.

A small half smile tugged at her lips when he said he had only ever wanted her.  She left like an entire lifetime had passed since she had been the somewhat outspoken, tough, independent, freethinking woman he had met.  She’d lost some of her fire along the way, and with it her ability to simply be Anna, the woman he fell in love with.

“Well I hope you do make it for Christmas,” she said softly.  “To be honest, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to much about the day since it looked to be the first one since we were married that wouldn’t include you.  Besides, I know Adam has a bottle of Ogden’s Old that he’s been saving for you.”

Of course drinking sessions for Wilton and her uncle usually meant the two of them waking up with terrible hangovers the next morning.  She’d be sure if he did show up to send the appropriate potions with him for the next morning knowing he’d likely be suffering.  With a breath she forced away the thought of him being alone in the apartment above the shop.

“You don’t have to rush off on my account,” she said, glancing down the lane of stalls and noting the familiar face of her friend had not reappeared yet.  “I’ve been wondering how you are, actually.  I just thought having a distance was easier.”

"That is nice of Adam, but I think that he may be drinking alone this year, or at least I will only join him for one or two"  Wilton had not done well in the first few days after Anna and he had stopped living under the same roof.  Five bottles of Ogden's finest had passed his lips and he was reluctant to drink so much again.  Even looking at the drink now would not so much turn his stomach, but minimally make his head throb.

When she mentioned him not dashing off, Wilton felt a warmth stir that had not happened since October. "I just figured that I was an outside influence that would prevent you from rediscovering what you have lost."  Wilton settled somewhat, although fiddling with his hands.  He would normally have taken hers in his own, or wrapped an arm around her, but in these circumstances... Yes she was still his wife, and he her husband, but were either of them in the right place to have a physical contact and not immediately fall back into what was.

"Anna, I have forgotten what it is like to be alone, and I have to admit that I am miserable.  I am not saying that it is a bad thing.  It does make me appreciate you much more."

She wished things were different.  Part of her wished she knew some spell that would set her world right again.  The Anna he had fallen in love with had been a survivor and a fighter.  She had been the girl who stood up to the school bully giving him a taste of his own medicine, and later had asserted herself before a domineering ex-lover.  She had lived life on her own terms.  Now she seemed to have simply slipped into a role just as society would have expected her too, and that was certainly not something she would have ever considered possible.

She was horribly confused.  Being at Hogwarts had come as a relief to her, a homecoming in so many ways.  It served as a reminder of who she was and who she could easily still be if she found the right path.  Sitting next to her husband though brought back the memories of the fact that at one time she had been both his wife and the feisty independent woman he had fallen in love with.

“I think we just need to take things slowly…one step at a time,” she said.  “Perhaps once the rush of the holidays has settled down we could try actually spending a little time together.  I…I don’t want to shut you out of my life, but I’m not ready to just rush back to the brownstone either.  I’m just…I’m scared.  I don’t want to continue hurting each other by fighting like we were.  Disagreements are normal…but they shouldn’t be like that.”

She glanced over at him again, fighting the urge to physically reach out to him, instead tucking her hair behind her ear as she added, “My wish is not to make you miserable…but at the same time your complete happiness shouldn’t be solely reliant on me.  I can’t make you happy any more then you can make me happy.  I can only compliment that happiness with my own.”

Wilton smiled wistfully.  "You are right of course Anna, and I had thought you were all I needed for happiness, but it wasn't about me.  It was about you."

Sitting back contemplating all the things they had said, All the things that had happened in such a short time.  Being in her presence had at first stung, but now there was a companionship, almost like when they had first met.  When Anna had been her own person.

"Anna, after new years I'd like to meet you here in Hogsmeade Weekend.  For nothing more than to catch up if that is alright?"  He was nearly as nervous now as he had been those years ago when they had first courted thanks to Adam and Vivienne.