So, I’m giving this journaling thing a try.  I received a letter from Clara yesterday and she asked if I had been using this thing or if it was just collecting dust on my bookshelf.  It seems even with us living on opposite sides of the ocean my baby sister has this uncanny way of knowing me.  At first I wrote it off as another one of her crackpot ideas to try to mold her big sister in the “more balanced person” she’d like me to be…since the summer yoga retreat in Sedona worked out so well and all.  But, lately I’m starting to see her point about getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page.

Lately things have been confusing.  Back in May I knew where my life was going and what I was doing.  I was dedicated to my work, I made every choice with a level head despite my temper.  Then…then Kendall showed up again.  I am falling think I might be truly falling in love with Kendall Fleetfoot.

I have been so careful about not mixing my personal relationships with my work life…it just simply has never ended well for me.  Yet Kendall shows up in May and suddenly everything is different…this is not the way he and I always interacted.  About a week and a half ago he mentioned telling some story to our grandkids and it took him a moment to back peddle and say that he meant our respective grandchildren.  I wrote off that whole idea of kids a while ago, and yet when he said it I couldn’t help be being a little excited at the thought that maybe someday he and I…

It’s completely stupid and irrational.  It’s bound to only be a matter of time before one of us falls completely back into our old habits and all hell breaks lose in the hallways between classes.  I mean, I’m surprised it hasn’t already.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I was finding new ways to embarrass him when the novelty of that pant dropping spell wore off.  Although, to be honest I still laugh a little whenever I remember the look on his face the first time I used that spell.

In letting him in I feel like there are times I’m fighting the internal battle to figure out who I actually am.  I built up my walls, I’m the first to admit that.  I don’t get close to students, I don’t coddle, and I look at every situation in a critical and rational manner.  At least I did before.  I feel like I’m floundering for the first time in twenty years in the classroom and that is not a feeling I particularly like.

Today on my way to breakfast Isaac cornered me in the hallway regarding Sasha Schlagenweit when I stupidly mentioned not being surprised by his suspension.  Before I could talk my way out of an explanation he had pulled me into an empty classroom.  I don’t know how he knew about the cheating incident…but he of course has taken the side of his favorite student.  Not that I’m terribly surprised.  We haven’t spoken since this morning…meals were a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

He claims that I’m not acting like the level headed woman he befriended…He says I’m letting this thing with Fleetfoot cloud my rational thinking since I couldn’t tell him Sasha’s side of the story.  I told him I knew first hand even the best students make mistakes…he said that I was projecting my own mistakes onto a student.

What bothers me most is not what he said or that my confident is so upset with me he didn’t even look at me for the rest of the day…but that I think he’s right and that means I need to take a long look at myself.  Isaac likes to prattle on about finding your path and finding some sort of balance in life…although I think he does that to deflect the attention from his own emotional habits…but I’m starting to see his point, much to my annoyance.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do about this either.  Someone plotted breaking into my desk.  It’s not that far fetched that it might be a ‘good’ student.  But, I was quick to pass judgment.  I was reacting to my own triggered memories instead of trying to see all sides.