Student Name	House	Attendance	Basic Safety Procedures and Knifework will be discussed.
Adley Rothwell	Gryffindor		Please take a seat and put away your books!
Eirene Antonopoulos	Ravenclaw		Your Knife-Kit will be assigned to you shortly.
Mairead ó Fearghail	Gryffindor
Keegan Kearney	Gryffindor
Oliver Ainsworth	Gryffindor
Charles Harcroft	Gryffindor
Pax Wintergreen	Hufflepuff
Fiana Flynn	Ravenclaw
Euphemia Grissom-Dolohov	Slytherin		PS:  DJ Knife Safety will be our guest lecturer for today.

The cryptic curriculum spelled out plainly on the blackboard behind him, Professor Gunnar had his Docs propped up on top of his lab table, his stool precariously balancing on two legs, and a grin a mile wide.  His Howie lab jacket had two buttons undone at the top, and his gloves were already off.

If the older years had done what they had been told none of the first years would know what would be coming up next.  Every year every first year class got a visit from DJ Knife Safety, and every year it was as big a surprise as the last.

It was 7:55 in the morning and Eirene was wide awake, eager to see what her Potions class would be like. She’d heard the professor was eccentric, but also that he actually liked kids! She threw open the door to class, thrilled to be the first one there, and then stopped in her tracks. Oh, he looked funny! Eirene let out a giggle, staring at his colorful lab coat and silly grin.

She walked up to him and handed him a banana. “Good morning, Professor Gunnar! I’m Eirene Antonopoulos. I can’t wait to start potions!” She gushed obnoxiously. The act of introducing herself and giving each professor something nutritious was becoming routine, but Eirene liked it, and she wanted to make the best first impression she could!

Setting her things down on a desk in the first row, Eirene glanced at the board and then did a double take. Knives? Her nanny never let her handle knives, preferring to cut up vegetables and other things by waving her wand, while Eirene watched enviously. Shaking her head in confusion, she organized the materials on her desk and kept glancing at the board, trying to figure out if DJ Knife Safety had been mentioned in her textbook.

Charles walked in, looking around. Eirene Antonopoulos had beaten him to class again. Looking at the board, Charles saw it was a safety lesson. uunderstandable, since before the lesson was introduced, several students got injured during Potions according to his father. Apparently, some of the students never did get their head around whihc end of the knife to hold. " hello professor" Charles said.

Pax had a hard time keeping the excitable grin off his face as he walked briskly into the potions classroom, pleased to note that he was one of the first ones there. Potions had been the class he had been most looking forward to ever since he had learned he would be attending Hogwarts. He knew better than to hope he'd be the best pupil in the class-- that would almost certainly be Eirene Antonopoulos, if his first impression of her was anything to go by-- but he was determined that he was going to be the one who worked the hardest. He smiled widely at the professor and waved as he made his way the front of the classroom. From the looks of Professor Gunnar's fashion sense, Pax liked him already.

Glancing around the classroom, Pax shyly mouthed 'hello' to Charles and Eirene, and briefly considered sitting next to Eirene at the front of the room, but thought better of it. There were still plenty of other seats; he didn't want to invade her personal space by sitting too close. He did want a good view though, so he went and deposited his backpack at another table in the front row.

'DJ Knife Safety,' Pax quietly read aloud, then looked quizzically at Professor Gunnar. 'There's going to be a DJ?' he asked in amusement. This was definitely going to be one of the good classes.

 Potions was going to be marvelous, Fiana could already tell, just by entering the classroom. With a professor who looked friendly and like he might be a bit fun, how could it fail to be anything but marvelous? Although she hoped she wouldn't have to touch anything like eye of newt. That's what they always put in potions in movies and books and things, and Fiana had seen newts before. She did not want to touch one, particularly not one's eye.

 "Good morning, Professor!' She greeted Professor Gunnar cheerfully, skipping in and taking a seat near the front of the class. Looking at the board, she followed its instructions and put away her book. DJ Knife Safety? Who was that? Fiana's  eyebrows went up and she looked around at her fellow students, trying to discern whether any of them knew. This was going to be interesting.

The musty odor of the dungeons followed Oliver into the Potions classroom.  The smells of many potions and potion ingredients invaded his nostrils as soon as he stepped over the threshold.  He was the fourth one there, but that was of no surprise.  Not only had he gotten up late that morning, but he had encountered a portrait on the far wall of the Grand Staircase who had initiated an enthusiastic conversation with him.  Adorned in what looked like the attire of some kind of royalty, the large, round man in the painting had kept Oliver talking until 7:50, ten minutes before his first class of the day started.

The subject of their conversation?  

Watercolors.

Art interested him some, but to see and interact with a - literally - life-like portrait was very cool.  

He grinned at the thought now, seeing just how humorously asinine it was.  Discussing paints with a wall hanging!  His expression brightened as he caught a glimpse of the Potions professor.

“Hello, Professor Gunnar.”

He stalked past the front table and took a seat near the middle of the room at an empty lab table.  Setting his supplies down, he looked towards the board to see what the other students were talking about.

DJ Knife Safety?  He wondered what was meant by that, but figured they’d all find out soon enough.  

Woo!  What a happy group of firsties!  Five minutes ‘til and a couple had already arrived.  Two minutes ‘til and about half were already in.

And the first one came bearing a gift.  “OMIGAWDBANANA!” he shrieked, nearly tipping clear off his stool in excitement, “Ho, ho HO!  Thank you, thank you, thank you, Miss…Eirene!” the professor said.  He had been careful to keep a keen ear this time during Sorting so he could put names to faces, but Miss Antonopoulos, like dear Sasha, had one of those last names he wasn’t even going to attempt to get his mouth around.

He was, however, going to get his mouth around this banana.

“Hello, hello!  Hello, hello, hello!” he said cheerfully to all who greeted him, his face half-full with the delicious fruit.

Finishing off the banana in his second bite he faced the boy who bore the Hufflepuff crest on his robes, “Yes!  DJ Knife Safety will be visiting us.  He will be in shortly.”

Looking up at the clock at the back of the class he added, “It’s 8 on the dot now.  I’m going to hold off starting until 5 after.”

Just as the professor announced it was 8 on the dot she strolled in. She looked at him with his face half full of fruit. Her nosed wrinkled at the sight. This professor was going to be a character and Euphemia already didn’t like the sounds of that. She looked for an open seat. She saw one next to Eirene at the front of the class, but decided for the safety of her garments sitting near the front of the class was not the best idea. Who knew what he would spray from his lips if he ate while he spoke and taught? Also who knew if later they would have potions bubbling and she did not need to be near the front of the class for that. So Euphemia took an open seat without much acknowledgement to the Professor other than a nod of the head.

Euphemia read the directions on the board and grumbled, what if she wanted to read? She had her own book she would like to read until the start of class. Though the mystery of whatever or whoever this DJ Knife Safety was kept her mildly intrigued. Euphemia had no idea what a DJ was but she could only assume it was something to do with using a knife safely in class. It was probably going to be some failed attempt by whoever it was to get level with the kids and make class ‘fun’. School was not fun.

Euphemia sat with her straight posture looking at Eirene from her desk. Why was so eager to sit at the front in every darn class? How could she found her worthy of her friendship such a brownnoser? Euphemia decided once more that the silent treatmeant was in order. She was getting a lot of that lately.

Mairead wasn't exactly thrilled to be traipsing down into the dungeons, again.  The last time she'd penetrated the dark, claustrophobic corridors, she'd been stalked by a demented, painted lunatic in armor.  But, she had class.  And that, apparently, took precedence over things like playing in the lake or eating shepherd's pie.  Mairead cast the painted bowl of fruit a forlorn glance as she followed a cluster of students that looked roughly her age down to the dungeon classroom. 

By the end of the first day, Mairead had given up on the hope that she'd walk into one of her classes and find it free of the two preppy princesses so it was no surprise that the two little miss perfects were already in the classroom.  Eirene was cooing to the professor - it was really far to early for such behavior.  But, to Mairead's surprise, she realized she recognized the professor.  Mairead couldn't resist casting Eirene a broad, pointed grin as she nodded towards ... what was his name? 

"'Allo again," she offered as she found a seat (closest to the board) and slid into it.  She glanced up at the board and took a deep breath before starting to sound out the letters under her breath.  "Isk - Iskle Firstie?"  With a sigh, Mairead ducked her head forward to allow her hair to fall around her face as a frustrated and embarrassed blush flushed across her face. 

Unlike Mai, Keegan didn't mind the dungeon. Dungeons held a certain attraction to young boys, be it the bugs skittering about or the chance to scare classmates of the female persuasion (Mai aside), and the dungeons of Hogwarts were a special treat. Keegan found himself wandering through the place wondering if anyone had been tortured there. Or if every single scratch or dark stain on the stone walls were caused by victims, presumably past students, who made the headmaster or mistress angry. Judging by the fire haired snake lady that greeted them at the feast, Keegan didn't suspect this was far from the truth.

What Kee DIDN'T like was having to get up so early. How they expected 11 year olds hopped up on chocolate frogs and roach clusters to get a decent nights sleep in a castle filled with their entire lives worth of dreams? Keegan had spent the last couple nights filling himself with candy, telling dirty jokes, trading wizarding cards and learning some game called Gobstones. He was exhausted! And he hadn't even snuck out after hours yet! He needed at least a week to play before school. Maybe if he got enough of them together they could petition it? Reminded of the piercing eyes of the headmistress, Keegan decided against it quickly and made his way through the remaining stragglers in the hall to his next class.

Strolling in a couple minutes after Mai, Keegan tossed himself into the bench next to her, at first oblivious to her discomfort, and proceeded to read the board. "DJ?! The Magic world has DJ's?..." He said excitedly as he continued reading, his face splitting into a wider grin as he said in an even more excited tone "Knives? We get to use knives??? Best. Class. Ever." He nudged Mai enthusiastically before glancing over her way. It was then he noted her rather embarrassed expression. Something must have happened, Mai wasn't the type of girl who ever looked at the ground unless someone hurt her. His eyes immediately fell on Eirene and Effie, naturally assuming that it had to be them that did it. "Don't worry Mai, when I get me knife kit I'll cut something off 'em for ya..." He muttered under his breath, patting her shoulder.

The professor twisted the banana peel up into a ball and quietly held it aloft, aiming it at the waste bin five feet off against the wall, though it felt like twenty.  He mumbled something to himself, and then let it fly…

“Aaand… IT’S GOOD!  WOOOO!” he rejoiced, spinning around like a dervish in his seat once before his attention was drawn to a slightly familiar face.

“Aaah… Miss Mai, isn’t it?” he recollected, more from the Remembering Day festivities than the Sorting.  “Yes, yes!  Ho, ho, HO!” he bellowed cheerily, “You’re all my ICKLE Firsties!” Nicodemus said like a proud papa, giving Miss ó Fearghail a wink, exaggerating the “ck” in ickle for her.

As for the next lad, “Well… Honestly… I’m not too sure about that…” referring to his question about DJs in the Wizarding World, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, though, eh?” 

Watching Mr. Rothwell traipse in quietly and take his seat he looked at his watch, “One more minute!”  Standing up and stretching his longer than life limbs, he took up an armful of Knife Kits (which looked like felt, black burritos at the moment) and began setting them down on each student’s place.

You know that sound of nails on a chalk board? That was the sound of Eirene's voice as she once more announced herself to someone who surely didn't give two brooms about it. Merlin have mercy on him, he might get sent to detention for finding a good hex and trapping her in the staircase later this week. Elias of course would have to practice before he executed anything along those lines.

Sitting in his seat quietly unamused by the events going before him. Another sound pounded his ear. That bloody Gryffindor, he had the displeasure to be stuck with every class, was opening his ruddy trap again. "Shut your blathering trap," he muttered under his breathe. Why was it that these muggleborn pieces of trash had to keep opening their vocal chords letting more filth escape? These were the things Elias found himself wondering as he sat with bored eyes looking at his professor.

There was something about this class that he found himself already sure of boredom to come. Maybe later that evening he would take a trip around the castle and find that library he heard so much about. That would certainly get his gears going if he found something to occupy his mind for a change. This DJ nonsense was not going to be the thing that did it that was for bloody sure.

With the last one settling into his chair Nicodemus felt free to let go and start the show.

“Hello, hello!  Welcome, welcome!  And how’doya do?  This is Potions, a place were wands will nearly never be needed!”  Actually, the only thing the wand would ever be needed would be discussed this year.  It entailed a special technique in slicing which required a great deal of concentration and a steady hand.

“As mentioned on the board today no books will be needed, and as you can see I am passing out the Kits now,” upon finishing he returned to his lab table and continued.  “On each you will see is a number, this is because you will not be keeping your Kits this year.  You will be charged with cleaning them at the end of every class and,” he rapped his knuckled on his desk, “place them here.  So please keep track of your number so you can retrieve it at the beginning of next class.”

With a great sweeping gesture he announced, “And nooowwww ladies and gentleman!  I am honored and proud to introduce to you,” he took a deep breath, “DJJJJJ… KNIIIIFFFFEEEE… SAFFFFFEEEEETTTTYYY!”

Throwing one of the grey beakers sitting on his desk right in front of his feet, the man disappeared behind a veil of smoke.  Or so it seemed… for as the smoke fell like a curtain up raised the infamous DJ Pie Safety in all his splendiferous glory.

Really it was just the professor with an afro and ray-bans, decked out in gaudy gold jewelry complete with baggy falling-off-the-butt jeans and an oversized white t-shirt.

“Yo, yo, YO!  Wassup, wazzup, chillin’s?!” the rapper struck a pose and said in an overtly Big American City/Jamaican  accent.  “I’mma here to teach you up some knowledge about Knife Safety, thanks to yo proffy Nico G!”

Up from under the table he procured a make-shift turntable, which was essentially a pair of ripped apart and reassembled vintage record players, and with a practiced hand started up the music.


“ This one goes out to all the potioneers on da street trying to earn an honest galleon!  What what!

I’m DJ Knife Safety
I’m dropping sweet knowledge
All of the tings I learned in Hogwarty college
Not just about cauldron bubblin’ or cuttin’ flowers
Now listen up ‘kay ya cuz knowledge is power!

Knife Safety, Knife Safety
Knives are best used when they’s sharp and they’s pointy
Knife Safety, Knife Safety
Knives are best used when they’s sharp and they’s pointy

Only pick up a knife when not in strife
What what!
And you’ll be honing before you be sharpening
That’s right, that’s right!
Yes you’ll be honin’ before you be sharpenin’

Knife Safety, Knife Safety
Knives are best used when they’s sharp and they’s pointy
Knife Safety, Knife Safety
Knives are best used when they’s sharp and they’s pointy

You wont find me bitchin’ in the dungeon when I’m slicing up fisheyes
And that’s where dem blades stay so no-one needs to cry
Yes you’ll only need ‘em when you’s slicin’ choppin’ o’ parin’
Otherwise you be wise to keep dem knifes from flyin’…”


The mad DJ continued to spin his records like a crazy fool before clearing the whole table with one great jump to the top where he struck a heinous pose, huffing and puffing from all the exertion.



{Lovingly stolen from Jonti Picking}

The class had settled in and the professor had started the class.  Each class the previous day had turned out to be a complete and utter disaster.  But, between the professor's laid back demeanor (and the fact that Mairead had met him around a fire before, telling fantastic stories), the no books needed clause and the proclamation that they'd need knives not wands in this class, potions was shaping up to not be a disaster. 

Mairead took the kit as it was handed to her and flipped it open and then shut again.  Now this was something she could do.  Measuring, cutting, cooking.  These were actually familiar!  She traced the number "6" etched on her kit. 

When she looked back up, the professor was performing a magic trick - like something much more akin to what she might have come across from some street performer back home.  But, as soon as Nico reemerged from behind the puff of smoke, Mairead stared a moment before breaking out in a laugh. 

It was hilarious!  It was like those American movies she'd sneaked into only ... funnier.  Mairead pushed herself up in her seat and folded her legs underneath her so she was taller in her chair.  She tapped her hand on her desk top in time to the music.  All the points in the knife safety were basic and straightforward.  Her mother reminded her of it regularly back home.  Finally!  Something in this bloody place she knew before getting here!

Eager to be halfway decent in at least one of her classes, Mairead flipped her kit back open and started inspecting her knife.

The strange professor seemed very happy about her gift, which made Eirene happy, though she cocked her head when he called her ‘Miss Eirene’. She hesitated a second before correcting him. He acted so cheerful and easygoing that she didn’t think he would be offended.

“My first name’s Eirene,” she said with a little giggle. “My last name is Antonopoulos. An-ton-o-pou-los,” she said helpfully, attempting to ignore the mutter of ‘Antelope face’ from the back row. Eirene turned to frown at the voice, and then saw Effie slip into the room. The girl stared at her sullenly before taking a seat in the middle row. What was that about? Professor forgotten, Eirene went back to her seat and stared back at her friend with a concerned expression. This was the second day that she’d received glares and the silent treatment from Effie, and Eirene just couldn’t figure out what she was doing wrong.

Before she could dwell on it any longer, class began! No books? No books will be needed?! Oh goodness, no. She hadn’t practiced potions at all over the summer, her mother hadn’t let her!  Eirene also felt that she needed to do especially well in this subject since her mother specialized in potions and plants for her Healer position at St. Mungo’s. She glanced down at the book on her desk and put it back in her bag with such reluctance, it was as if she were throwing away a friend.

Clean your kits- she nodded. Keep track of your number- she nodded again. Then the professor burst into song. Eirene gaped at him, shocked by the movements of his gangly body and the words coming out of his mouth. Her eyes widened when he called himself Nico-G (so inappropriate!) and she let out a loud gasp when he said the word ‘bitchin’.

When he was finally done, Eirene appeared somewhat traumatized, but she clapped her hands politely. Then she looked at her parchment and realized she’d only caught a few lines of the song, which wouldn’t do at all!

Missing the point of the performance completely, she waved her hand in the air. “Were we supposed to take notes on this? Because, because I couldn’t get it all,” she looked down at her parchment anxiously and then back at the professor, hoping (and half afraid) he might be willing to repeat the song if they were supposed to have copied it.