May 29th, 2008

Seem to have been cleared for duty okay. Back to work tomorrow. Starting to get a bit nervous about it, actually. L can tell. Always can. Tries to be reassuring, sometimes helps. A lot better with him than without him. Though, without him, circumstances would be different. R assigned to a two-parent family instead of me, probably. Can't support child without job, can't work without leaving R unprotected. Catch-22. Life in general's been a bit of a Catch-22 since we got R. Wouldn't want to be without him though. Not now.

Thing is, told M I wouldn't let anything happen to R. Meant anything bad. Turns out, not letting anything good happen to him either. Afraid to take him out of the house. Doctor's checkups always a source of anxiety. Can't leave him at nursery, they wouldn't be prepared were anyone to come after him. L and I have started taking him to various muggle parks. Closely supervised. R a bit uncertain about it; not used to being around other people. What kind of parents are we if we let protecting our son get in the way of his childhood? M didn't want R kept safe just so he could be wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of his life.

R is unusually quiet. Toddling fine, but only says a few words. Still wonder if we were right to teach him to call me Mum and L Dad. Feel like a bit of an imposter sometimes. But he deserves a proper family-- that's what we try to be. But he's lonely with just us. Could play with other kids if he went to nursery, but that might put them in danger as well as him. L wants to know what will happen when it's time for R to go to school. Tutoring? Should really go to a muggle school, learn to have friends, get all the difficult life lessons out of the way. We have a few more years. Maybe we can catch X by then. When I'm back at work, can keep my ear to the ground, maybe get some leads.

Been two years; maybe he's not interested in R at all. Maybe he only killed M because she tried to leave him, keep his son from him-- matter of principle. But maybe he hasn't come for R because he just doesn't know where he is. Maybe me going back to work will make us more conspicuous. But I can't sit at home just hoping the threat will disappear and not doing anything about it. Stay in hiding, can't find X. Come into the open, risk X finding us. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Catch-22.