Spotted on Platform 9 3/4 on the 1st of September: Witch Weekly favourite, Balfour Spectre, and his current beau bidding farewell to a mysterious child! Another of numerous, mundane Spectre clan children being sent off by their fond cousin…. or something more sinister? Worry not faithful readers! Lil Snigger was on the case.

Introducing the secret lovechild of Ira Almasy, socialite and sociopath extraordinaire. Feliks Spectre was quickly ruled out as a distant relation after it was confirmed through indirect questioning that he bears no intimacies with other strains of the Spectre clan, who are introducing no other students to Hogwarts this school year.

The boy wizard was observed wandering Diagon Alley in late August, putting together his Hogwarts kit and acquiring a wand. More importantly, he was overheard by sales assistants throughout as having referred to the Division Head as “papa” and intermittently using Russian vocabulary. How did Balfour Spectre become a father overnight? And can the identity of his mother be as easily divined?



International waters were braved in the pursuit of this truth, such was the dedication of your faithful reporter. Spectre was a known associate and friend to Ira Almasy, whose pureblood family are generous patrons of Moscow’s primary wizarding hospital. Administrators at St.Eudoxia’s declined to disclose their private birth records. They did, however, suggest examining the Russian Ministry’s public registrar of Metamorphmagi, in which all wixes with the ability are registered from birth.

Feliks Viktor Siobhan Spectre. Pureblood. Metamorphmagus.

An inside source at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry has confirmed that he has been sorted into the House of Slytherin, where he will join the offspring of other nefarious peoples. Should we expect any less from the son of a foreign murderess? And where has this boy wizard been hiding all these years? Was he being raised as an heir to the Almasy criminal network? Has Balfour Spectre always known of him? And what does his lover, Johann Storm, have to do with this sordid situation?

If the two-faced life of Ira Almasy has taught us anything, readers, it’s that nothing is quite what it seems.