3rd June 2011


Muggles are to be told to eat chocolate in the latest bid to counteract dementors. According to the Muggle-worthy Excuse Committee and Muggle Liaison offices of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, Muggle doctors (their healers) will suggest eating chocolate regularly to any Muggles complaining of prolonged sad thoughts. This comes in response to rising numbers of Muggles reporting negative thoughts to their healers, corresponding with dementor activity monitored by the Department.

“This is a safeguarding measure,” a Ministry spokesperson told The Prophet, “Muggles cannot conjure cheering charms or patroni, so their only other remedy is chocolate.”

Other preventative and precautionary measures include encouraging the BBC (who control the television - the wireless with pictures) to show more comedy television programmes to cheer Muggles up.

“One of the Muggles we spoke to crudely suggested putting the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister’s bottom on every hour or two,” an inside source suggested, referring to the royal wedding in April.

There is still no news on a long-term solution for the dementor prevalence in Britain, though IDREAD’s efforts have reduced the number of serious attacks in recent months. The public are reminded that casting a patronus charm in the presence of Muggles is strictly against the Statute of Secrecy. Should dementors be found in number preying on Muggles, summon the Ministry at once.