Fred Radley
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts Castle

Sr. Auror Archer Radley
Level 2, Magical Law Enforcement
Ministry of Magic
London, England

Hey Uncle Archer,

I’m sorry I’m writing you at work (I know, sorry for being sorry – you hate it!) but, I had a question for you.  If you;’re not too busy and you know how to answer, I would appreciate an owl back.  But, I mean, if you’re busy, I know your job is important.  You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, or doing have the time. I’m sorry for Just, if you don’t have the time, don’t worry about it.  I guess you can’t know until I tell you though.  I’m going to try and keep it short.

I just need to know Before I forget!  Do not tell my mum.  She’s…well.. she’s mum and I don’t want… you’ll understand in a second.  But, you know, I’m not in danger, I’m not sick or anything – it’s just… well, you’ll see!  Sorry to keep you I’ll get to it.   It’s not like it’s just one story… but it’s a bigger problem I have.  When you were in school did you just… I mean, did you have – were you ever… Merlin, I’m sorry this is so awkward.  I’m getting to the point I’m sorry. 

How do you talk to girls? 

Oh Merlin that felt great to write.  I just… oh Uncle Arch.  I just… it’s miserable.  My palms get sweaty and then my face turns red and then my tongue feels like it grows three sizes so it’s too big for my mouth and I can’t make sounds right and my throat gets all hot and scratchy.  This can’t be normal. 

What do I do?  Should I try to learn like… legilimency or occlumency?  Would that even help? What about being an animagus?  I thought about that… then I could just be like a mouse or something and have an escape.  Sorry! I thought I would keep this short, I’m sorry!  I’ll let you stop reading and if you have a chance, you can write me back Uncle Archer. 

Sincerely,
Freddy

Archer Radley
Level 2, DMLE
Ministry of Magic
London, England

Fred Radley
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts Castle

Freddy,

First and foremost, as long as you’re not in trouble, your mum will never know.  I will burn your letter right after I finish writing this.  As a matter of fact, the paper you’re reading is set to incinerate in an hour if you don’t throw it in the fireplace first. 

Kidding.

Or am I?   

Guess you’ll find out in about an hour. 

But, let me get to your questions. 

1. You should not learn legilimency.  It will not help you.  It may make things worse.  Occulmency might not hurt, but I warn you, women don’t need legilimency to know what you’re thinking.  It might be a waste of your time. 

2. If you are considering becoming an animagus, think bigger than a mouse. 

3. Unfortunately, I am sorry to break it to you, Freddo, but you are normal.  At least Radley normal.  You could talk to Uncle Joel or Hunter about it too.  If you want a good example, in my seventh year I was hexed into a punch bowl.  You’ll figure it out in due course. 

4. If you do decide to write to Joel or Hunter – don’t take any of their advice.  They’re still terrible, no matter what they might say.  They’ll only lead you down a path of sweaty palms and jelly legs jinxes (ask Joel about that one).  You don’t want that.  Trust me. 

5. Best advice on how to talk to them?  Like they’re people.  They’re not horcruxes, boy-o.  Take a deep breath; wipe your hands on your jumper, and you just do it.  Can’t get better at it if you don’t try. 

6. Are you considering an internship this summer?  I can put in a word with the boss… or are you still thinking about working at the Mandrake Patch like Nate suggested?  Let me know.

Best,
Uncle Arch

Fred Radley
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts Castle

Sr. Auror Archer Radley
Level 2, Magical Law Enforcement
Ministry of Magic
London, England

 

Uncle Archer,

You’re telling me that I just have to deal with this?!  Isn’t there a spell or something?  Like something to like make my eyes blurry?  Uncle Arch.  You need to have some kind of solution.  I don’t want to get pushed into a punch bowl and I definitely do not want to be jinxed.  I think I’ll avoid Uncle Joel and Uncle Hunter for this. 

Maybe I should write to Uncle Nate?  He seems like he’d know.  He’s actually been married before. Oh Merlin! I’m sorry, that sounded wrong.  That’s not – oh Merlin.  I hate this ink… Sorry, Uncle Archer! 

The internship!  I forgot!  Let me write to mum and figure out if that’s going to work for the summer.  It’d be really cool to come see you work at the Auror office.  I would like to help mum pay for things though… so let me write her first and I will let you know.   

Thanks for writing back, I appreciate it!  Sorry I suggested I would go to someone else because they’ve been married.  That was rude (I didn’t mean to be rude).  Don’t tell mum.  I’ll also let you know about the internship as soon as I know, and you know, if I’m qualified.  I know it’s competitive and a lot of people want to do it.  But I can make a great cup of tea and I’m super organized and I do everything I’m asked to do… I guess you already knew that, but in case you need to tell your boss or something. 

Thank you!
Freddy

Archer Radley
Level 2, DMLE
Ministry of Magic
London, England

Fred Radley
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts Castle

Freddy,

No apologies necessary.  I knew what you meant.  I think it’s a good idea to reach out to Nate.  You’ve always got to follow a lead if you have it.  Consider that a piece of free wisdom.  The rest of it you’ll have to work for this summer. 

Don’t worry about anyone else Freddy.  You’re a Radley – and a Hufflepuff - you have more qualifications than anyone else as far as I’m concerned.  You won’t need to pour (too much) tea or coffee either.  Even though I’m your uncle, I wouldn’t say that if it weren’t true.  Mandrake Patch or Level 2, you’re great. 

Enough of that though.  I’ll sing your praises when my boss asks. 

Good luck!
Uncle Archer