Title taken from Kane Brown's Last Minute Date Night.

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It seemed like ages since they’d been out of the house without Gabriel.  Not that Akiva didn’t love her son (quite the contrary, she loved him more than she ever thought it was possible to love something), but it felt nice to go out for dinner with her husband and not have to worry about feeding him first.  It was a welcome break from their real world concerns.

All of that hadn’t really sunk in until Maiko arrived early (she was obviously the trusted babysitter for their verging on toddler son) and helped her get dressed.  She didn’t let her stop digging through her closet until she tried on at least five different things and finally decided on the outfit that Maiko declared made her look the most ‘banging.’  Apparently, this was something teenagers said, and it was good.  So, Akiva decided on the dress that maybe wasn’t the most comfortable, but had the Maiko seal of approval before Dreogan was home and ready to go. 

But, date night could only last so long, and before Akiva knew it, they were on their way home.  Akiva leaned against her husband’s shoulder, laughing as they walked through the door (locks be damned) and beamed widely as she saw Maiko was on the couch alone.  Gabriel must have been asleep (Maiko really was the best babysitter) and she had one of their many books on her lap.  “Thank you so much, Maiko!” she announced (though on the quiet side, given the fact there was a sleeping child in the house). 

She unlooped her arm from Dreogan’s and shrugged her coat and kicked off her shoes at the same time, before hanging it on the hook by the door.  “How was Gabriel?” she turned back to her friend, “Not too much trouble, I hope?” she added as she resumed her spot next to Dree and snaked her arms through his to entwine their fingers.  She rested her cheek against his shoulder, now short enough to do so comfortably.  A sickeningly sweet smile was still plastered on her face. 

Babysitting Gabriel was usually a delight. She loved that little kid, even if he was steadily approaching his temporarily-an-asshole years. He was looking less and less like a baby and more like a child. Before he fell asleep, she had been reading some of his books to him-- but the reading continued long after he had been put to bed. For the past few months, Mai had been trying to pick up some Hebrew here and there. She even had an app on her phone for it![1] Unfortunately, her phone didn't work in the Katz-Eleor household, thanks to Dree's ridiculously effective security charms. Instead, she resorted to Gabe's books-- particularly, the picture ones with simple sentences in Hebrew. She was glad that by now, she knew more than cuss words. Nothing confidently enough to speak out loud, though.

She closed the copy of Hazahal Haraev[2] and looked up at the happy couple. They were so adorable it was almost disgusting.

"Gabriel was perfect." As perfect as a baby verging on toddlerhood could be. "He's asleep. We danced and read. He tried to put food in my hair.

Mai gave Akiva and Dree a smile that was very nearly mischievous, "I didn't expect you to be home this early." It was maybe 11:00.

1.	She also has French and Japanese in there, to polish up on French and to improve her Japanese.
2.	That's right, there's a Hebrew version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

"Of course he's perfect," Dree quipped back, giving Akiva a peck on the cheek. "He takes after his mother." Anything bad? He took after Adon.

He looked at the clock above the stove. "It's eleven!" he defended.  He paused a moment before adding, "Besides. It's not like we could have sex at the restaurant, anyhow." He raised an eyebrow challengingly at Maiko. Then to Akiva. Gone were the days they laughed at his expense for scandalizing him. Well, for Maiko scandalizing him. Akiva had grown immune due to long exposure; it was all on him. What a better way to turn the tables. Joke was on them now.

Wait... no. He didn't mean to make it sound like they'd been at the restaurant and had actually tried to... He felt his ears burning...

Only that there was nothing there worth sticking around for because...

No--commit to the joke, Dree.

His jaw jutted and he crossed his arms. Final answer. Scandalize them all.

Was it terrible that for a split moment Akiva really wanted to point out that Maiko had to be lying because Gabriel was almost never perfect when it came to going to bed.  It was always one more book, one more drink, one more hug – Akiva wasn’t going to lie, she didn’t ate it, but it wasn’t ideal, especially when trying to keep him on a schedule.  And while she did lean her cheek so Dreogan could bestow a kiss upon it, she snorted a little as he indicated he took after her.  “You give me too much credit,” she joked and wrinkled her nose as she smiled. 

The smile faded though as Maiko indicated that they were home early.  She was about to comment, but to her honest surprise, Dreogan cut in and her cheeks turned rosy pink almost instantaneously. 

Sure, she and Maiko frequently talked about uncomfortable things.  Things that made Dree probably look very similar to her right now – but it was so unexpected!  She turned her head and buried it in his shoulder for a second, “Dree!” she squeaked – albeit quietly, she didn’t want to wake Gabriel up (he had a terrible habit of doing just that whenever the prospect seemed to be on the table). 

She turned her head, cheek still against him, “He’s kidding,” she added hastily, “well – not about the restaurant, he’s right there…” she babbled, unsure of exactly where to go with this – or why she’d try to explain at all.   As a result, she remained flushed and looked to Maiko and then her husband.  “You're terrible.”

It took a second for her brain to process. When it finally clicked and Akiva, mortified,  squeaked out Dree's name, she lost it. Mai clapped her hands and let out a loud laugh. Immediately, she tried to stifle it-- shoulders shaking, eyes watering. Perfect. This was too perfect. Scandalized Katz-Eleors were among Maiko's top five favorite things to witness. 

The stifled laughing devolved into strange, wheezy hiccups.

After what felt like ages but was really probably not that long, she composed herself. Kind of. She would have echoed Kiv's exclamation, but it would have summoned another laughing episode, and yesterday was ab day.

"So what you are telling me," She said, forcing her face into a solemn expression, "Is that you tried to have sex in the restaurant." Mai paused for dramatic effect. "That's ambitious."

Dreogan was beaming. A shining moment. There were few things he was prouder of. Gabe. His office. Their home and family. This joke.

Patronus potential, really. Worth continuing.

"The food wasn't that good. We weren't planning on going back, anyways."

Was this how Adon kept from being mortified all the time? Just dug himself in deeper and called it a joke? ...

That made a lot of sense, really.

This was not normal.  Usually it was Maiko and Akiva laughing on Dreogan’s behalf and making him uncomfortable.  How did this turn on her?  What had she done?  Letting them gang up on her, as it turned out was not fun. 

It did not bode well for the color leaving her cheeks or the embarrassment leaving any time soon, especially with whatever kind of laughing Maiko was doing.  Were those hiccups?  And Dreogan – his face!  He looked startlingly like his brother in this moment, proud as all get out at himself. 

She pursed her lips, trying to think of a way out of this whole mess without being the uptight one.  Maiko never had to worry about that designation, but it was clearly a title that shifted between husband and wife.  Finally, she figured it out.  In a moment of clarity, she took a breath, exhaled and then squared her shoulders.  “The dress you picked certainly didn’t help,” she gave Maiko an accusatory look before turning a sly smile on her husband.  “Who had time to even notice the food?”

This was the best night ever. Okay, maybe not the best ever, but she was in the mood to exaggerate. Usually it was Akiva trying to play along. She usually made a valiant effort that was unintentionally hilarious. But sex jokes from both Kiv and Dree? That was an incredibly rare occasion. Practically unheard of! Her curly-haired prude was growing up. It was like running into a nun at a strip club. Amazing and probably unexpected. 

"Ah, you gave everybody else a show to go with their meal then." She grinned before making a vague motion towards Akiva. "It's not my fault that the dress highlights your boobs and butt perfectly." Mai protested, "You grew them yourself. I don't secretly transfigure you in your sleep."

"Also. Speaking of sex." She crossed one leg over the other, "Did I mention that I moderated a sex education seminar at Hogwarts?"

Dree ventured no comment, only gave an appreciative squeeze about her waist as the ladies talked about his wife's figure. He certainly had no complaints. But saying anything around Maiko would be like giving tinder and timber to a wildfire. She was already going to go there, but he didn't want to be credited as being at all responsible.

"Speaking of sex..." Dreogan raised an eyebrow at this. 

"Oh, Merlin." He had been 16, once. He'd also been a teacher. There was a reason he didn't teach 16 year olds. "I can't even imagine.  ..." But he could. "How much did they talk about relations with mythical beasts?"

The color rose on Akiva’s cheeks and she ducked her head.  Jokes only lasted so long with her and when Maiko insisted that all of her…assets… were her own, however true that was, it made her just a tad embarrassed.  Dreogan giving her a little squeeze from the side certainly didn’t help – if she knew him well enough, and she was sure she did, that meant he agreed.

She leaned up to give him a quick peck on the cheek as Maiko indicated that they’d had a sexual education event at school. 

Things had certainly changed since they were in Hogwarts!  She couldn’t even imagine something like that – and who would have done it? Snape?![1]  The prospects were horrifying.  Though, she supposed hearing it from her parents over winter break of her fourth year hadn’t really been a picnic either… being an adolescent was hard. 

She was about to say so when Dreogan spoke and her jaw dropped in disbelief.  “What?!”  she looked from between her husband and her friend.  “They did not!” she protested, but paused and blinked before tentatively adding, “did they?” 

1.	Snape teaches sex ed. A video.

"Oh, they did, Akiva... They did." Mai confirmed, "In fact, that was probably the most popular subject. There was a question about mermaid fleshlights." It was either Carol or Gamp who answered the most questions. "Though we also had a student ask, uh--" She tried to think of the question. It had been a good one. It took every bit of self control to keep her face straight when she had heard it.[1] "She asked if it was true that when a pregnant woman had sex before labor, the baby would come out stuttering." Maiko paused for dramatic effect, "She was serious."

She gave Akiva and Dree a look, as if she dared them to challenge this next statement. "This is why sex education is so necessary." Mai insisted, "When Kiv and I were at Hogwarts, there was nothing. NOTHING. Everything I learned, I learned from some other student or from trial and error." She shook her head. "That. That is not a good way to learn." It was kinda fun, she supposed. But Mai would have rather had some sort of education, some adult she could actually talk to about this stuff when she was a teenager.

1.	She didn't keep a straight face. Not at all. Not even a little bit. This is Mai being an unreliable narrator.

"That's not something I wanted to be right about," he muttered under his breath as Maiko continued to explain the proceedings.

He sucked in his breath at the stuttering question. Sometimes the ignorance of the Magical World was beyond him. In ways, they were years ahead of their Muggle counterparts and felt a sense of gloating superiority over it. They knew of both worlds; they knew cures to diseases that Muggles didn't even know existed. They knew cures to diseases that were the plague of the Muggle world.

And yet they could not communicate as instantaneously, transparently, and clearly as their Muggle counterparts could. They still lived in a world just a step away from leeching, from believing in humors and wive's tales. In ways, they were in the 21st century, just coming out of the fog of the 13th.

Everything I learned, I learned from trial and error.  Dree's eyebrow rose imperceptibly at this and he bit down any comment. He'd been twice blessed in shocking them tonight. He didn't think he'd be lucky enough to get away with a third comment. It'd come back to haunt (or taunt) him, somehow.

"Is this the first time there's been something like this? At Beit Gaddol, our gym instructors taught us..." That had been... horrifying and awkward...

Akiva’s mouth dropped open as Mai revealed that it was the most popular topic.  That was so disturbing.  Though, she guessed for teenagers, it was probably the most interesting topic.  Everything else was probably a bit straightforward. In the muggle world, it wasn’t that much of a conversation.  Though, the stuttering baby bit did cause her to giggle. “Poor thing,” Akiva gripped her heart and tilted her head to the side, imagining the dismay of the girl as she got her answer.

It also reminded her of how uninformed they had been.  She didn’t have as visceral a reaction as her husband because it didn’t surprise her.  It was the same with Maiko.  “My parents told me on a break from school,” she looked between the two of them with the shadow of horror and shame of that very memory all over her face.  Her parents had the indecency to attempt the conversation as a complete family.   

No one ever wanted that… even if they thought it wouldn’t be too bad.  They were wrong. 

“We didn’t have any sort of gym at Hogwarts, unless you played quidditch,” Akiva explained, “and we only took flying first year, so it wasn’t exactly a topic of conversation for then.”  Kiv shook her head with a little laugh, “the only other ‘special’ lesson I remember was learning how to dance for the Yule ball.”  That had been its onw personal circle of hell, obviously, but it wasn’t exactly the place their heads of houses were talking to them about sex.  Flitwick likely would have died in the process… probably of embarrassment.  “I’m glad you made it happen for them,” Kiv conclued, “it’ll be easier to do every year now too, since you’ve done it once.” 

“it’ll be easier to do every year now too, since you’ve done it once.”

"Mm," Dree agreed with a sage nod. "The first time is always the most awkward." There were the beginnings of a true, Adon-worthy smirk, already forming around the corners of his mouth. "All those unexpected fumblings, trying to find the right..." he caught Akiva looking at him, aghast. "...words..." he concluded, his tone suddenly defensive as he met her stare. "Honestly, what did you think I was going to say?!"

"Still." he persisted. "It's mind-boggling to consider nothing was in place all these years--sexual education or physical. Who is in charge of determining Hogwarts' curriculum?"[1] He couldn't help the air of judgment in the pronouncement. For years, witches and wizards--his professional cohorts--had looked down on him for his Beit Gaddol education, instead revering Hogwarts as though it were the finest education in the world. And the safest place, to boot--despite the fact that someone--or several someones--nearly died--or did die--for several consecutive years. They engaged in dangerous sports atop fast-moving brooms with little to no supervision, were given detention in the Forbidden Forest--which was forbidden for a reason, and now add to these charges the situation of childhood obesity!

"How were your classmates not morbidly obese, with no physical exercise? Don't they offer all-you-can-eat banquets, pumpkin juice, chocolate frogs, all that?" He looked between the two women, disbelieving. "And what's more... how have there not been more mishaps of teen pregnancy? Why, I recall very clearly just a couple of years ago having to teach two grown adult women what the Birds and the Bees were!" It was a wonder that Eli Grimlish--or any Hogwarts graduate--was as well-adjusted as they were, really.[2]

1.	See this ridiculous skit for a commentary on Hogwarts education.
2.	This thread, where Dree has to explain intercourse to the Grimlish sisters.