Linus, my darling little bastard,

Stop harassing Rick. I don't care if you want him to be your uncle, or that you think he needs to be 'desensitized to your antics.' Don't be a shit. I heard that Leon's photograph still hasn't recovered from the trauma.

I also heard a joke the other day that applies to your situation.

What does a frog eat? Whatever bugs them.  Stop bugging Rick.

Love,
Your doting mother

Audrey Ruzena Hughes,

I regret to inform you that your son Linus Barnaby Hughes has tragically passed after being shamelessly devoured by the Charms Professor in the middle of a lesson. He was cooked medium rare upon a grill. Everyone is morning him. His frogs held a beautiful ceremony in the forbidden forest. We neglected to invite you because his final wish forbade it. Have fun not being a mother anymore.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonnagall

To: Minerva "McGonnagall,"

Thank you for informing me on the loss of my terrible, ill-behaved child. I assume he deserved it. I am looking forward to building a new family. Children are easily replaced.

Take care,

Audrey Zuzana Hughes

Mum,

I don't love you anymore.

Sincerely,

Linus from the grave

Dear Linus' decomposing body,

The feeling is mutual. It's difficult to love a corpse, after all, even if they're much more well behaved. Your replacement will be here in nine months. I will cherish him as I have never cherished any of my previous children. Send my regards to our dead relatives in the afterlife.

With tolerance,

Mum

UM STOP LYING TO ME I KNOW YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT. RIGHT? RIGHT??? I ASKED SHONA  AND SHE SAID YOU'RE A LIAR.

Love,
Inferi me

To my inferi son,

As muggles say, "LOL."

Love,
Non-Inferi me

Mum TRAITOR,

I'm serious, are you pregnant??? DID YOU CHEAT ON SHONA? Fine. SHE'S MY NEW MUM NOW.

Answer me IMMEDIATELY,

Linus

Linus,

LOL

Sincerely,
Traitor

Mum,

Honestly you're really just wasting parchment at this point. Did you really send an owl just to say "LOL" to me??? That is animal abuse.
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS???

Your very concerned son,
Linus, lord of the undead

PS I took over Hades in hell and am now the reining king