Llywelyn paced back and forth in front of the door to the Counselor's office. Butterflies were bouncing around in his stomach. His nerves were shot. He ran a hand through his hair, as his pacing intensified. He was fighting an internal war.

"You have to do this. It will help."

"No. I'm beyond helping. I'm fine with how I am."

"You don't believe that, and you know it. Just try it once."

He stopped dead in his tracks and faced the door to her office. He took a deep breath, and reached out to knock on the door. Llywelyn felt like he was in a strange position. He felt like he belonged at Hogwarts, but he also felt like he was an alien amongst his peers.  He knew it was partly his fault, but he needed to get a second opinion as his was clouded, by his own thoughts and feelings. That and he just needed to vent. He would vent to his father, all the time when he was young. So maybe this would help. He knocked twice on the door and opened it just enough to peek his head in.

"Um, Ms. Biladeau? Do you have a minute, or sixty?" he said quietly, his voice trembling.

She should have been writing letters back to concerned parents, she should have been reading the recent studies an old mentor had given her-- but no. Mai had put in long hours today, and was looking forward to a night of relaxation. Maybe she'd cuddle with her dog tonight, maybe she'd pop on over to Akiva's house to watch an episode of Meerkat Manor-- if she had received it by now, anyway.

To wrap up her work day, Mai was blasting Bicycle Race by Queen from her record player and dancing rather enthusiastically around her desk as she gathered papers.  The witch was in the midst of doing circular motions with her arms while running in place. Her messy bun bounced along with the movement, curls falling into her face.

"Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle bi--" Mai caterwauled along, completely, blissfully unaware of the knocking on the door.

The Ravenclaw peeked his head in to the office, and she froze in place-- one leg partially in the air.

It took a moment for her to process what he said. Mai scrambled to her record player and turned it off mid-sentence.

"Of course I have a minute. Or sixty." She said warmly, motioning for him to take a seat. The counselor greeted Llywelyn with a warm smile. "Do you want anything? Tea?" She glanced over at her desk, ".... A cookie?"

Llywelyn awkwardly shuffled towards the seat the Counselor motioned at. He respectfully declined the refreshments she offered. For a moment he just stared at her. His mind was racing. He was unfazed by her "singing" and "dancing"

"What are you DOING, you bloody fool"

He fidgeted in his seat, and took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to speak, and the quickly closed it. He was unsure where to begin.

He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but no words came out. He tried again. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Um, I-I've got quite the p-predicament." he said carefully.

"I-I feel a little lost to be honest. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway. T-Th-The best way I can describe how I feel is: Alien."

Maiko was thankful that Llywelyn didn't judge her-- she wondered if that was a sign that students had learned to expect this kind of behavior from her by now.

He declined the refreshments. She poured him a cup of tea anyway-- and one for herself. She set his cup on a small table next to his chair and sat across from him. Nobody ever said 'no' to refreshments in her office, there was no room for that sort of nonsense.

Mai listened to him carefully-- he was a kid who didn't really have many friends. He was a fifth year, and still hadn't really connected to anybody. Feeling lost, alone, like an outsider-- that was certainly a predicament. "What makes you feel that way?" She asked, voice gentle but serious. Genuine, though she tried to hide the concern.

Llywelyn gave her a quick smile as she set down the cup of tea she made him. He reached over and gave it a quick sip, before taking another deep breath, obviously trying to prepare himself to continue.

"I-I dunno. I've been here for years, and I still haven't quite adjusted, if you know what I mean." he said quietly, not daring to make eye contact.

He stopped speaking for a split second, and fidgeted left, and right in his chair trying to think of the proper words.

"I feel different. I probably dug myself a hole, that I can't get out of. I feel trapped between who I am, and who I think I can be. I just want to stop feeling like such a freak. The others seem to have no problem making connections, and having fun, and here's ole' steadfast Llywelyn just sitting by the wall, watching, and waiting."

He then slowly raised his eyes to meet Maiko's. Then he jumped in his chair.

"U-Uh, F-Forget everything I-I just said. I-It's just nonsense. Just r-rambling." he said sheepishly, once again avoiding her gaze.

Llywelyn was a familiar face in her office-- and from previous conversations she'd had with him, Mai gathered that these feelings weren't new. He'd been feeling trapped and lonely for a long time. Being a teenager was so difficult; and feeling alone in a room full of people was.... Painful. The need to be part of a group, to feel accepted went beyond instinct, it was survival.

"It's not nonsense." Mai insisted with a mild shake of her head. No, she wasn't going to let him discount his feelings like this. "You mentioned, you feel a big gap between who you are now, and who you you think you can be?" She waited for him to nod in confirmation, "Now moving towards that takes time. That can't be changed overnight. Who do you want to be?" She didn't expect him to answer-- that was a big question, and it would take careful consideration to answer.

She took a sip of tea and gave Llywelyn a look that was both appraising and sympathetic.

"It is easier to connect with one person than it is to connect with a group." She said, "Is there anybody specific that you want to hang out with?"

Llywelyn stared Ms. Biladeau-Yukawa as she spoke to him, he listened very carefully. He trusted her, and respected her opinion and the advice she gave him.

"Who do you want to be?" she asked him.

He thought for a moment, a hand brushing through his hair, as he stared around the room as if the answer was written somewhere. Who did he want to be? Confident, he wanted to be himself, but more confident. As much as he loathed who he has become over the years, he still held a sliver of hope that thing could change.

"I-I want to be m-myself, but more c-confident, I guess." he said as he finally rested his eyes in his lap. He hated making eye contact with people. It made him feel like people were trying to bore into his brain.

"Is there anybody specific that you want to hang out with?"

At that he shook his head. "I-I'm not really sure. I get on with Olivia Davenport well enough, all though when I see her we always have something to focus on; school work. That and I've known her ever since our sorting. Everybody else in my year, might as well be a stranger" he risked a glance at Ms. Biladeau-Yukawa.

"I-I want to be m-myself, but more c-confident, I guess."

"Don't we all?" She replied, "That's easier to fake than it is to feel. Actually feeling more confident means that you need to change the way you think about yourself, doesn't it?" Her tone was inquisitive and gentle. Examining your own self talk was a huge step in the right direction.

"Olivia Davenport." A Slytherin in Llywelyn's year. A bright student. She didn't mention that he had also known all the other fifth years since his sorting. Some people, you just connected with more than others. Olivia seemed like an option. The look Mai gave him was a knowing one. Did he maybe have a little crush on her? How cute.

"I encourage you then, to hang out with her outside of studying." She'd have to give him ideas, wouldn't she? "Torment the whomping willow, ride a mattress down some stairs, get to know the giant squid."

Mai paused, "Actually. No. Don't do those things. I'm not supposed to support delinquency."

Time to suggest something significantly less dangerous. "Sit with her at meals. Maybe go for a walk around the lake. Talk about books you like to read, things you like to do." He had hobbies, didn't he?

Llywelyn grinned at Ms. Biladeau-Yukawa's suggestion of activities.

"S-so what you're saying is to focus on the friend that I have now?" he asked curiously. He liked Olivia and was afraid of impeding on her time. Maybe he should pretend to be more confident like the counselor had suggested? Maybe if he were to act more brazenly he could strengthen his bond with Olivia. That or he could avoid everyone completely so that he wouldn't have to think about it. That could work too. Although he had no idea where to cut himself off from the rest of the students completely, so maybe taking the counselor's advice was probably his best bet for keeping his mind at ease.

"Th-that makes sense" he said, his voice low. 

Apparently, llywelyn had a sense of humor. There was hope for him yet!

"Focus on the friend you have now, try to deepen your connection with her." Mai encouraged him, "Just to start." 

Her advice made sense. Of course it made sense, she usually made sense! She gave Llywelyn a small smile before she took a sip of her own tea. "You can do it. It'll feel weird and unnatural at first, but you'll get it." This teenager was all nerves, poor guy. He reminded her of Sasha Schlagenweit. What was it about Ravenclaw that produced shy people who disintegrated at the mere concept of interacting with their peers? Okay, she didn't really think that they disintegrated... and she loved them all regardless. The similarity was striking, though.

Then Mai remembered that Ravenclaw also produced Connor and Juni. You just never know. That entire fifth year group was... Diverse, personality wise. Overall, they were very open, sociable people. She had every confidence that Llywelyn could get past this and connect with his peers.