Dree,

This month doesn't feel right to me. I can't tell if it's because there's been a pattern of wrong-ness over the last few months, or if there's something going on. I keep looking at the students, specific ones. Every time I walk by them I get this chill, this icy pit in my stomach. A feeling of foreboding. Something is coming, I just know it. I keep trying to hold these back, but this... Intuition thing we have keeps leaking through.

I haven't had dreams lately. I've been taking dreamless sleep potions to hold visions and dreams alike at bay. I think it's just making it leak through in my waking hours. I can't imagine why (illegible....).

I see two white dogs. They look like wolves, I don't know the breed. I see them in my peripheral, but when I turn to get a better look, they're not there. They're just out of my vision. I keep getting phantom smells-- warm blood, mingled with perfume. It's strong-- jasmine, rose. Sharp and heady. It's gotten to the point where being around those actual scents makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach.

I know I should stop drinking these potions, but I'm scared. I've been avoiding reflective surfaces, and i'm sure it shows in my appearance. I feel hypersensitive, everything hurts.

I don't know what to do. I know you've been busy, and I know you have a lot going on. I'm sorry. You're also the only seer friend I have that I trust so deeply. Years of friendship does that. What do you think I should do? I should stop the potions, I know it. But I don't want to. But I don't also want to keep going on like this. Being a seer is heavy,  it's a responsibility that I am not sure I can handle.

Love,
Mai

Maiko,

I want to start  by saying that I understand this feeling completely.  It is maybe the most exquisite sort of dread I have ever felt, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  I am sorry you are facing this, but thank you for trusting me enough to reach out.

I'm not sure I can offer any sound advice, not knowing fully well what to do in these instances myself.  The only thing I can tell you is that it is nearly impossible to separate personal intuition from greater forces and abilities at work, and that in the past year, I've questioned whether or not these prophesies are helpful at all. 

Things have a way of working out--for good and for ill--despite our most dogged interventions.  (I need only draw your attention to the more recent events concerning my brother to see that, in a way, the dream was completed to perfection despite years of planning and prevention; I only thank heaven--and perhaps Adnan Musallam--that it did not play out in the way we anticipated.) 

I've often wondered if Occlumency--which is in essence, the art of keeping things out of the mind--would help with waking visions.  I'm not sure if it would help with the unconscious, enlightened mind that seems to be (for lack of a better term) "active" during Sighted moments, but it may be worth the attempt.  Perhaps you have a member on staff who could instruct you?  My uncle, who is adept at such things, told me that I might not have been possessed had I acquired the skill; we Seers tend to be very receptive to impressions and control and influence from others' thoughts.  I'm sure you've thought of this and are doing what it takes to take care of yourself...

I'll rephrase that: you must first take care of your own well-being. I say that because you are a naturally caring, altruistic person--and I know well the sort of Seer's guilt that comes with this ability.  Whatever is brewing, it is not your responsibility alone to address it, it is not your failing if you can't puzzle it out, and, if these things play out--it is not your fault that they happened. 

I know you may think this is a selfish outlook.  It probably bucks against all of your sensibilities.  It does mine, too.  But I have learned through two years of torment and anguish that me communicating the information brought about a great deal of harm within my family, when it might have been settled quietly and set aside once the danger had passed.  Consider why it is that you feel like you have to interpret and delve.

I hope I'm not presumptuous in this, but I can take as stab at the answer: you want to do good.  It will be up to you how you want to bring that about.  You can continue with the visions and hope that it will provide something constructive enough in time to provide a warning--delve deeper into the impressions with scrying and crystal balls and any other sort of divination; or you can take care of yourself, do what you can to get enough sleep, try Occlumency, and be present and of sound mind to be at the ready. 

I'll reach out to several scholars in the field of Divination--there's Professor Romquist at Laevenstrome that I happen to know well enough--to see if there have been any developments in the potions world to suppress the waking impressions.  Please, let me know if there is anything I can do. I have been busy, yes, but I am never too busy to help a friend out on a struggle I know so well.

Take care of yourself--please.

--Dreogan

February 4

Dree,

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've always been so patient with me. I know the age difference between us isn't huge, but you've always been.Both a colleague and a mentor. I appreciate it. Seeing is such a difficult thing to navigate. I can't imagine how others like us do it alone.

Occlumency is an interesting idea. I could ask Ignan, but he's skeptical when it comes to visions. I don't blame him, much of the wizarding world is. Too many fakes out there ruined it for the rest of us, as well as the unsteady nature of visions. He might be willing. It won't hurt to try. Who am I kidding, it'll probably hurt, but I'm willing to try.

Today when walking by the lake, for a moment I thought it was full of blood. This is the third time this has happened. It does not bode well.

The new Divination professor, Sid Blackburn, has had some visions too... It scares me that I'm not the only one. When it's just you, it's easy to think it's a fluke. But when other seers are having them too, it makes it feel more real, more authentic.

You haven't seen anything, have you..?

Much Love. Give Kiv and Gabriel a hug for me.

Mai

February 5

Maiko,

Please don't mention it.  You have always been a good friend; I have enjoyed these letters over the years (what has it been, 7 years? 8?) and have always come away from them with something new to examine, or a lesson learned.  I don't think there are many who do face this alone; the thought is so daunting that almost every Seer I know has sought professional assistance or at the least relied heavily upon family, friends, mentors to get through it all.  I wonder how those lone prophets in Grecian and Roman times stayed sane, living up in the mountains, communing with their gods...  It is no wonder the stigma of the Sighted Mage has been madness.

Don't let those stigmas prevent you from getting the help you need on it.  If Ignan Storm is skeptical, let him be.  If anything, it could very well fuel his desire to teach you some control over what is generally regarded as an unstable gift. From what I have known of him, he seems to be one who strives for order. 

I can't say that I have Seen much of anything recently.  The visions and flashes I have are more backwards than forwards these days, though that has been no less troubling.  Now that things have calmed somewhat with the potions hubbub, I've listened to my family and started taking light doses of dreamless sleep.  I feel bad leaving Akiva with Gabriel all night, but she's kindly reminded me that I'm useless in the waking hours if I haven't rested. (I don't want to say it, but it has been a relief.  No memories, no prophecies... It is staggering to think that this is how most people live every day.  And it is hard not to resent envy them a little for it.)

I'm still a little uncertain, Maiko, about what you're hoping to do with the visions.  Are you trying to find a way to block them, or to use them?  Certainly there are cases to be made for either approach, but it doesn't seem reasonable to me for you to work with Ignan Storm to suppress the visions, only to try to analyze and interpret them the next moment...  I'll admit that I've grown, quite frankly, skeptical of the practicality of interpreting dreams.  It seems that even a straightforward vision can have multiple, equivocal meanings and the burden of guessing at the right one can be too daunting.  That being said, I know that had you not scried for me in September, my family would have been very much in the dark about my whereabouts.  (Which had been my intent, of course, but oh, how I could have used that contact in the earlier months of my captivity!  Seeing really can be a gift to help deliver you from a tight spot.)

I guess, to conclude this ramble, I am not sure what your aim is--or if you want help on even figuring out if you should suppress or magnify your gift.  Is this something that would be better discussed in person?

February 8

Dree,

I am not sure what I want to do. I don't think the dreamless sleep potions are doing me any favors as far as seeing goes. Originally I started taking them after the explosion at the Leaky Cauldron. They stopped my nighttime visions as well as... The past and the heavy weight it carries. It seems like one trauma reawakens all the old ones. I suppose emotional scars don't really heal, not all the way. Emotional wounds are more complex than the magical ones. Feeling so much, all the time, is exhausting. I know it's not a healthy way to approach this. I know. But at least I'm aware.

Part of me wants to see more. I poured out my dreamless sleep potions. A waste-- I could've sent them to you if you would have had use for them. I am dreaming in my sleep again, and it's like the past is meshing with the future like the past often does. There's some sort of connection, more so than usual. I'm regretting my decision. I see your point. Interpreting dreams is... It's so impossible. It's frustrating. And then when the thing eventually happens, you're not in a position to stop it. If only dreams could reveal the ways in  which we could change the future. That the dreams could show us the steps we took as humans. But you know my theory: Seeing shows what is likely to happen depending on the current path to the future we are on. How fickle. This path, however, does not feel fickle. It feels certain. The only thing I am uncertain of is exactly what it is, and when. I know which of the students are involved. I know there's blood. I know there's a floral scent. I feel that dementor chill and I know.

The stress of all of this is getting to me. I am keeping up with my prescriptions, but even with magic there's only so much pushing and stress  you can handle until your body turns on you. And once my body starts protesting, I need to take it easy, no matter how frustrating it is.  As you know, the types of dreams we're susceptible to don't lead to restful sleep.

I told Ignan about my worries on the surface level. He brushed it off, like I expected. He and Minerva are skeptical types. At some point, she was actually considering cancelling divination classes. I can't say I'm surprised.

It would be helpful to speak in person about this. There is another Seer around, but he and I don't have the history or the trust built that we do. We could meet in Hogsmeade? I have been staying at Hogwarts more often than not lately. The dogs, of course, are with me. My little 'therapy' beasts. The students love them, and it seems to help. Maslow is a natural. Crêpe will get there eventually. She's still a puppy, and is learning.

I know this weekend is when everybody is celebrating Valentine's, but I would love to meet up with you whenever you're available. Sundays tend to be better than Saturdays.


Much love,

Mai

February 8, late at night

Maiko,

I'll come up tomorrow evening after work, if that works.  Will 8pm give you enough time to recoup from the day?  I'll bring my thoughts and remedies and share them then, but until then, I will say this:

Do not worry about what you can detect and prevent.  You might not be able to, and it may be fruitless to try.  Trying may actually trigger the events, from what I've learned.

Do worry about what you can do to take care of yourself, and to support those who may be facing difficult times ahead.  Listen to your slobbery, lovable therapy beasts. They have your best interest at heart--and it is sometimes a good reminder to do the same.  You have far too many people who love you to let you succumb to this, now.

--Dreogan