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Arcturus sat at the kitchen table, Charms of Defence and Deterrence open on his desk in front of him with a small pot of yoghurt (and a teaspoon in it), and Rustle curled up in his lap. It was snowing outside and freezing - he'd returned home to find the flat cold and the kneazle curled up in his armchair in an attempt to keep warm - and thus had no wish to move from the kitchen table.

Reading, however, was not what he was doing. His eyes gazed unfocused at the pages, his chin resting on one hand as he read and reread the first line of Chapter 6. The rest of his mind was a woozy clump of cotton wool.

It had been a few hours since he had returned home from the hospital. For two weeks the entire hospital had been running itself ragged, and he had been no different. Trying to get his sleep schedule back to proper timing without the need for tea to help him survive was giving him plenty of trouble. He'd been having bad dreams, waking up in cold sweat at the thought of having let patients die, and then realising that the bulk of that issue was now over.

But it wasn't over for him. He didn't know how Elixa felt, but of late he'd been requiring her companionship more. When he was alone, dark thoughts and memories found their way to his tired head much more easily than he liked. She never questioned his requests for her companionship in bed, and quite frankly he was grateful towards her for that. He didn't want to talk about the darkness in his head.

Because of his tired mind, he didn't really hear the knocking on the door until it became a banging. When he finally did, he leapt to his feet, kneazle spilling out of his lap with a shrill protest of being dislodged from his comfortable perch.

"Oh Merlin, sorry Rustle!" The kneazle gave him an indignant myarp. Arcturus hastily gave him another sheepish apology before running down the stairs. "Hang on, I'm coming!"

He wrenched the door open. A cold draught peppered with snowflakes blew past him, somewhat buffered by his usual warm hoodie and his untied hair protecting his ears, but he blinked at the sight of the person standing out on the doorstep.

"Johann?" There was hesitancy in his voice. He hadn't seen this man on the doorstep of the flat for a month. Then, somehow, happiness overtook the apprehension and he smiled. "Johann! Come on in, quick! I'm sorry I didn't hear the door, I was...kind of elsewhere, but my mind was, sorry." He shut the door once Johann was in, abruptly cutting off the cold draught from outside.

Rustle was at the top of the stairs, tail upright; he gave a little trilling chirrup at the sight of Johann, but did not deign to run down the stairs. Arcturus couldn't blame him. Despite his warm clothes, he had managed to get a taste of the biting cold outside.

"What brings you here?" he asked out of curiosity, as he accompanied Johann up the stairs. "How have you been doing? I hope better then when I saw you last time."

Thud thud thud

Johann withdrew his hand from the door and flexed his cold fingers gingerly, cursing, not for the first time that night, over the fact he'd left his gloves behind on his desk at the Ministry that afternoon. He wrapped his long arms around himself, tucking his hands against his ribs as best he could. His long navy wool coat and scarf were doing something towards keeping the heat in, but the snow was quickly dampening it, and his hair was heavy with snowflakes. He didn't do hats. Other people rammed those on his head.

At his feet was a crate two foot by three foot, resting on the doorstep. He'd not been able to carry it, so had employed his wand and suffered the weather instead on his walk down the Alley through the slush. At least he'd got it delivered to the post office so it was nearer. Had seemed too impersonal to have it delivered to the flat.

The snowfall muffled noises and not many people were out, despite the oncoming Christmas days. Those who were huddled beneath their hats, trudging onwards to the few places that were open late. Someone was further down singing In the Bleak Midwinter which in Johann's view was a little premature, despite the cold weather and his shivers.

"Hang on, I'm coming!" Somewhere within was a bump of feet on the set of stairs down to the front door, and a familiar voice faintly through the front door. He noted the use of I'm and also that it wasn't Lix. Good, he'd got the right night then.

The door came open all of a sudden, the light from the stairs inside lit the laying snow on the alley's cobbles around him. Behind it, still holding the door in one hand was Arcturus, dressed, as ever, in a hoody and looking tired but familiar. He seemed a little surprised to see him, whether it was more for having someone knock on the door, or for seeing Johann in particular, he wasn't able to establish on just a glance. Instead he attempted to make his face look appealing, raising his eyebrows beneath snow-peppered curls and smiling behind the scarf that he'd drawn up to try and take the sting out of the cold air as he breathed. Don't be mad.. don't be-

"... Come on in, quick!" He was ushered in. Johann's cold right hand appeared from his folded arms and he waved his wand to beckon the crate in with him. Despite his care, an involuntary shiver interrupted the smooth flow of his wand and it bumped into the doorframe. He made a face, apology muffled. As soon as he was clear, Arc pushed shut the door and kept out the cold. The crate landed with a bump on the first step and tipped towards them, but Johann caught it with his left hand, preferring to concentrate on one thing at a time. With a glance to Arc he realised that the invitation inside was not just to stand behind the front door, so he lifted his wand again and sent the crate up ahead of them as they climbed.

"What brings you here?" Arcturus asked him from behind as they ascended.
"Was, just in the area, you know..." Johann replied, a little distracted for making sure he didn't take out Rustle with the crate.
"How have you been doing? I hope better then when I saw you last time." Johann didn't reply to this question, it required far too much tact. It was with some relief when he could take it through to the kitchen and put it on the table safely. His shoulders dropped as he was relieved of it.

"Right," he uttered, more his usual tone and turned back to Arcturus, still wearing his coat. The snow was rapidly melting wherever it had landed on him. "Hello, sorry, I didn't want to drop it. Bloody thing." He gestured with one hand to the crate beside him on the table. Wand still in hand he tugged at his scarf to reveal the rest of his face. "Glad you were in, didn't fancy lugging it all the way home." There was a pause, he needed to explain. "I am doing much better, yes. Much better. So I - well, we I guess - wanted to say thank you. You know, for, saving my life. Not just at the start of the month, and I know I'm not out of the woods yet - but just-. Thank you. And I'm not taking it back." He gestured with both hands to the box and stepped away to let Arc reach the table, and began to unbutton his coat, unaware he was dripping on the floor.

Johann wrestling with the crate made Arcturus somewhat curious and a little wary, but he leaned over to check it. The label made him raise his eyebrows and look back to Johann as if for validation for what it was, but then he caught sight of the water soaking into the man's coat and leaving little droplets on the floor.

Very prudently he took his wand out wand and pointed it - partially hidden behind him as if he didn't want Johann to see him doing that - at the coat. He surreptitiously twiddled it around just to make sure it was covering the coat enough, but otherwise he wasn't about to say anything until he was done.[1]

"...you could tell me what's in the crate?" he asked, as if nothing had happened. "I can read the label, but...I think I'd rather hear you say what it is exactly. You can laugh at me for wanting validation, but," he gestured to himself vaguely, "with how things are these days, I'm not quite sure of myself anymore."

Rustle prowled around Johann, looking up at the man, before brushing against him and leaving hair all over his trousers, purring quietly. Arcturus looked down at the kneazle, smiling a little. "He missed you." Apart from that he wasn't quite sure what else to say. The initial moment of joy on seeing Johann had drained away rather quickly, the speed of it partially boosted by Johann saying "we". He awkwardly stood there for a moment, and then waved a hand in the direction of a chair. "I'll...make tea?".

1.	Drying Charm

"It's for you," Johann replied, not noticing Arc's wand behind his back as he'd turned back to the table and the crate, scarf looped in his left hand. "And I can't remember everything I may, or may not have picked from the mail order form, but there are at least three cauldron cakes in there, and a lot of other things that were so sugary they'd make a toddler's teeth fall out." He reached his wand out past the Honeydukes label and ran the tip around the edge. The crate's lid came open with little cracks of the wood as the tension released.

Inside was a lot of clean, golden straw used for packing, but through the top layer it was easy to spot some of the bright packaging from the sweet shop in Hogsmeade.
"If my memory didn't fail me last week when I was laid up, there should be a number of the items you bought when we dropped in once in February. But anything else is a nice surprise to try."

He went to tuck away his wand and as he put his hands to he coat he paused, surprised at how dry it was. He gave a dismissive shrug and peered down at Rustle applying ginger hair to his suit trousers.
"Some things don't change." He bent his knees and reached down to pet Rustle with an affectionate head scratch. As he did, he looked up to Arcturus, "Tea would be lovely, I have some give me a second."

Johann reached a hand out to the back of one of the kitchen chairs to help himself back up to his feet, and lifted his familiar bag over his shoulder and onto the kitchen table beside the crate. It was as ever, rammed full of paperwork, half a dozen unopened envelopes he'd picked up from the post office with the crate and the blue sleeping log which was unremarkable to all but three other people who would recognise it. Johann's hand dug past it for tea and eventually tossed a lonely teabag of fruit tea at him.
"Trust me, you don't want one." He assured Arcturus, straightening the rest of his bag and slipping his coat from his shoulders.

Arcturus blinked at Johann's response. Right, he wasn't seeing things, and Johann had cracked open the crate to show that it wasn't just a prank. Though he wasn't sure if he could put it past Joh to prank him, not after what had happened.

He caught the teabag and went to put the kettle on boil, peering at it curiously, before setting it down onto a saucer. It was odd, really - for a whole month Johann didn't come and Arc had felt slightly abandoned. Being with Elixa was nice, but only seeing Johann at the hospital in a professional sense and not informally had made him question if the man had...found him boring? Dropped him entirely in favour of Balfour? He honestly wouldn't be surprised considering how much time he'd still spent reading his books instead of giving Johann attention.

"If I were any judge as to the contents of that crate," he said, turning around with a wry smile in a more expressive way to note that he was joking, "it would seem like you're fattening me up." He looked towards the crate, Rustle now on the table and sniffing it curiously. "I reckon that'll take me over a year to get through it, but I'm not complaining. You're welcome."

The kettle whistled. Arcturus quickly set the tea to steep before wandering back to the table with both mugs. He set them down onto the table. "Are you coming to the Christmas gathering? We didn't get a reply back from you - you're the only person who didn't send anything back. Since you're here, I might as well ask."

"Fattening you up!" Johann echoed, scoffing. "Well, I didn't expect you to try and eat it all at once. I might have got carried away…" He peered in at the box and brushed away some of the straw to give Arc a better look, his coat over his arm. The kettle sang and he took the opportunity to hang his coat.

At the hooks his eyes picked out everything that was new around him, the absence of a couple of months made it easier to spot. Disturbing Lix's cloak raised the familiar notes of her perfume. The last time he'd stepped foot in the flat was the day he'd found out they were together. For a moment he stared at the cloaks, contemplating. Here he was so easily slipping back into a routine in this flat. He glanced down at his shoes - the normal routine of the summer months would have been to slip those off with it, the informality of he and Lix sprawled on the sofa had made it logical.

The clunk of two mugs on the kitchen table brought him out of his queer thoughts.
"Are you coming to the Christmas gathering? We didn't get a reply back from you - you're the only person who didn't send anything back. Since you're here, I might as well ask."

… Christmas gathering. Christmas gathering. Johann's mind was quickly onto those two words, a rapid succession of images of Christmas trees, glasses, vol-au-vents, mince pies and overly cheery popular carols from years to date shot through his mind's eye. The familiar little voices mulled it over with him, rather more kindly of late:

Turning back to Arcturus, he slipped his hands into his suit pockets and attempted to look nonchalant about it all.
"It's been a really busy week…" he spoke gently, "… did you send me an invite? Do you remember which address?" His mind was already piecing this together: 'we didn't get a reply back'. Lix. Had that invitation gone missing? Keep him at bay for a nice cozy Christmas? He valued his shins so he kept up the act.

"Tomorrow? Oh right, yeah, sure we'll be there. No particular plans. What time should we be round?"

"Hm?" Arcturus looked puzzled. Johann hadn't gotten the invites, that was odd. Maybe Elixa had forgotten to drop them off at the post office. He'd have sent them himself if he could, but he didn't have everyone's addresses and he doubted he ever would, considering his lack of social relations.

"Oh, eight? Half-past seven if you want to be early." Arcturus glanced at the page he was on before shutting the book and pushing it aside. Rustle immediately claimed it for his seat on the table, watching curiously as his owner moved the small pot of yoghurt far from him. "Both you and Balfour are invited, by the way. There'll be a few of our colleagues, my parents - for a while, anyway - it's just a small social thing, if you're wondering who I am and what I did with Arcturus Hollingbury." He shrugged, with a sheepish smile. "I'm trying."

He shut the crate and sent it towards the pantry, though his tiredness meant the crate only floated about a few inches off the floor and he'd forgotten to open the door. With some resignation he went to make some space for the crate, leaving Johann to have some time alone. Well, not alone, Rustle was there, but Rustle was not exactly a good conversation partner.

Inside the pantry it was only when he finally set the crate on the counter that he finally admitted to himself that it wasn't so much jealousy than it was regret. Even after the day they had lunch he still felt as if he had done something...wrong. He hadn't seen his friend for a month - 'ex' was still too hard for him to take right now - and somehow he felt that he himself had deserved that.

Well, what did you expect? Hardly communicated, buried on your books. People don't see you as interesting as others who are more outgoing.

He shook his head hard until the voice stopped talking, but there would be more to do to truly change that truth around and he knew it. So much harder to do things than say - or have a tiny little cynical core that told him that he had to change but not how.

Arcturus came back out, keenly aware that Johann would probably wonder what he was doing in there. "So, um...where have you been the past month?" he asked, sitting down at the table. Rustle got off the book and immediately deposited himself back into his owner's lap - whether he sensed the turmoil in his owner's mind Arc wasn't sure, but Rustle usually had an uncannily good sense of mood. "Apart from the hospital. Busy, I guess?" With Balfour? He tried to not look like he already knew the answer.

Johann wondered if Arcturus realised that one was never early for a social gathering, but did not let on, but glanced from Arc to Rustle who was prowling the kitchen table.
"Both you and Balfour are invited," Johann's eyebrows shot up in surprise. The impression he had got from Arcturus, the vocabulary, stress in his voice, the letter he'd written, all had suggested that the healer was really not at ease with any thought about Spectre. Johann didn't blame Arcturus, he understood that nobody particularly liked an ex's new partner if they were still in touch, but he hadn't anticipated Balfour would be invited. Was this why his invitation had been misplaced? Had Lix known and decided it was not the time? Was it the time? Was Arcturus actually alright with it?

"I'm trying." The healer replied, more in response to his comment about being more sociable, than the surprise on Johann's face.
"You are." His friend replied as approvingly as possible, and let Arcturus take the crate of things from Honeydukes into the pantry where it would be out of reach of Rustle. Johann absentmindedly gave the kneazle a scratch of affection around his neck with the tips of his fingers while Arc was gone, before realising the horrible teabag was still in his mug of tea. The teaspoons never moved, so it took only a moment to get rid of it.

By the time Arcturus reappeared, Johann was leaning against the side in the kitchen, mug of decidedly grim fruit tea in both hand, eyes wandering at the changes around him, feeling a little awkward for being left alone. At least the fruity disgrace was warming his hands up and his teeth weren't chattering.

"… where have you been the past month? Apart from the hospital. Busy, I guess?" Rustle had settled in Arc's lap as he'd sat down at the table. Johann paused where he was and considered a month, his blue eyes momentarily unfocused somewhere in the direction of the tabletop.
"Busy surviving, hm." He agreed, and shrugged, standing up properly. He reached a hand out and drew back the chair opposite, joining Arcturus at the kitchen table.

Johann's gaze was lowered to the book between them, and he kept his tone soft. "I've been away a bit, Morocco, Aruba, the former for pleasure, just the two of us, the latter on official duties." He sipped the tea tentatively and wrinkled his nose in disgust. Spoke to your Dad, he added silently, though remembered Mord had suggested they didn't mention they had spoken at all about Wolfgang.

"Just been trying to get on with life, really." He glanced up, "following healer's orders. You? Working too hard, sleeping too little, never practising what you preach." The tone was anything but accusatory but cautious. "Hope your mum had a good birthday yesterday. Though, I suppose I'll be able to ask her tomorrow." He shrugged and raised the mug again, trying for another sip which received much the same reception.

At the mention of "sleeping too little" Arcturus' lips curled into a wry and partially grim smile. Of all things, how ironic.

"No, actually I've been catching up on sleep. My routine was more than disrupted by the contamination period in the hospital." The healer reached out for the pot of yoghurt. "But I can't go to bed too early, because I'll end up waking at three in the morning and with nothing else to do. I can't wait to go to bed...any less than seven hours and I can't mentally function. You have my respect, even if it's a dark one given your circumstances." He checked the pot. A couple of spoonfuls left; the healer considered it before taking a mouthful.

"I wouldn't think," he began, feeling the cold, thick curdled milk go down, "that you would come to see me again. Let alone have tea. Figured you were too busy - surviving, possibly - to come and visit. Didn't see you for an entire month, I suppose your attention was held by things more fun and enjoyable than me?"

Arcturus avoided looking at Johann, a deep sense of dread settling in his heart despite his desire to know the answer. Johann would definitely say it wasn't him, but he knew better. Some things didn't change, and one of them was himself. He lifted the pot of yoghurt up to scrape out the remaining spoonful, but then he couldn't help himself speaking what that little voice said to him next with hardly any awareness that he was saying it in the first place.

"Always giving myself, my trust, well, what's left of it, to people," he muttered to himself. "Get hurt, give myself again. Naive, childish, so optimistic and hoping the world is a little kinder when I know better. You let that little sliver of hope, that maliciously deceptive emotion lead you down a wild goose chase and smash itself at the end with you standing in the way of the broken shards. No wonder I'm a fool."

For a moment in his mind Johann wasn't there and he was alone. But he was always alone. It didn't make any difference if someone was there or not. It was just something he had come to accept.

Arcturus finished the half eaten yoghurt that had also been left on the table as he explained he'd been sleeping more rather than less. Johann managed a mildly surprised expression though he wasn't sure what to say in return.

The elephant in the room loomed, and Hollingbury decided to grapple it a little.
"Figured you were too busy - surviving, possibly - to come and visit. Didn't see you for an entire month, I suppose your attention was held by things more fun and enjoyable than me?"

He didn't look up at Johann after delivering the verdict. If anything, his visitor was a little surprised at how blunt it was. Was this a guilt trip? Was this envy speaking? Much as he wanted to snap at Arcturus for this poke, he hadn't anticipated his friend would say this if he were thinking straight. Well, he hoped he wouldn't. He frowned deeply at Arcturus for it and wrapped both hands around his mug.

As he went to draw breath, Arcturus muttered, and Johann stopped, his lips relaxing from forming words as he listened, shoulders a little hunched. He blinked rapidly, leaving a pause after the muttering ended.

"Arcturus," He began in a slightly strange voice, a little higher in pitch, almost nervous, "are you alright?" 

Arcturus abruptly bit the spoon hard. The cold metal shocked him a little, but it couldn't be anymore colder than the realisation that he'd just said that out loud.

After a moment he slowly took the spoon out of his mouth and reluctantly put it back into the now-empty pot. Rustle stretched in his lap and yawned, claws in the air; he reached down and gently gave the kneazle a scritch on the belly, staring at the table reluctantly.

"...no," he finally said quietly, though his voice shook a little. "I...I've been wondering to myself if a lot of things I wish hadn't happened is my fault. The poisoning episode is not mine, but I directly administered some of those potions myself. I could have killed people. I made mistakes that hurt people, and I wish I hadn't. This wasn't what I wanted, but I...it's..." He sighed. "...I have a knack for fucking things up so badly that what I want ends up hurting other people."

Rustle caught his hand in all four paws, no claws, and gently nibbled on his fingers. The healer didn't really notice. "You didn't come for the whole month. November 5th happened. December. I thought, 'Man, I screwed over everything and it's all my fault.'" He set his jaw firmly and briefly to stop the stronger emotions from breaking through. "Maybe I'm still stressed from all of that, and whatever went down in October because I'm still blaming myself.

"You heard all that. I never speak my mind because that's how it sounds like. I prefer to keep it in my head." The edges of his vision blurred a little. "But it's not...I'm sorry. I'm not using it as an excuse for my anger at myself spilling over and hitting the closest person. I just...figured you'd be having more fun with others and I deserve it."

He should be happy that Johann was here. But he wasn't. It just felt as a reminder of being a failure, like he'd always suspected he was. "I'm not okay," he whispered, looking down at the kneazle. Rustle meowed up at him, as if answering.

"...no."

At least Hollingbury admitted. Johann shifted ever so slightly on the kitchen chair opposite him, expression maintaining concern. He let Arc talk, just as the healer did for him (well once he'd finished firing half a dozen questions, anyhow) and listened, his bright blue gaze unrelenting. Hollingbury had his full attention for the first time in a long while.

... if a lot of things I wish hadn't happened is my fault... however broadly Arcturus spoke and referenced other events, Johann knew deep down it was about the pair of them and what had happened. This was why Elixa had driven him away, why they had barely interacted while he'd been on the ward despite the fact it had been frantic. She was keeping him away to stop dragging it all up for Arcturus, to stop rubbing it in his face. No wonder he bristled at any inference of Balfour. Yet again his past and present had been thrown together without his coherent inclusion, too busy spewing luminous vomit and ranting apparently, to really recall how the other two had interacted. It was no way to meet again. No wonder Arcturus wasn't alright. He was stuck in his usual loop of overthinking and social anxiety that Johann had compromised to accommodate until his extroverted ways clashed out of frustration.

"You didn't come for the whole month. November 5th happened. December. I thought, 'Man, I screwed over everything and it's all my fault.' Maybe I'm still stressed from all of that, and whatever went down in October because I'm still blaming myself." Johann exhaled in a long sigh and blinked, his gaze momentarily dropping to what he could see of Rustle clinging to Arc's hand with all four paws and then returned to the other man's face.

"You heard all that. I never speak my mind because that's how it sounds like. I prefer to keep it in my head. But it's not...I'm sorry. I'm not using it as an excuse for my anger at myself spilling over and hitting the closest person. I just...figured you'd be having more fun with others and I deserve it." Arcturus confessed, and then added quietly, "I'm not okay."

Johann glanced down at the excuse for a hot drink between his hands and pushed it aside. It slid roughly across the wood kitchen table top.
"I didn't come around for a while because, well, I though that would make it easier." Not quite, Lix thought it would make it easier, but if he went telling Arcturus that Elixa had told him to piss off he might take it out on her just before their little gathering. No, better to take it up directly with her himself. Whatever those two had, he didn't want to be in the middle. "And I was wrong, so I apologise." He dipped his head, curls falling forward. He'd let Balfour cut them the days after he'd left St Mungo's, to try and look a little more together, but as ever his hair had other ideas.

"You haven't screwed anything over." Unless you mean Lix He paused and frowned at the tea. "Sorry, I'm going to break healer's orders. You," he pointed at Arc across the table, "and you," he pointed down to Rustle, "Are going to sit on the sofa, and I," he pointed to himself, "am going to make a proper cup of tea." He drew the chair back that he was sitting on and got up. "Go on, I've got almost two months to make up for." He shrugged, taking out his wand to attend to the kettle. He knew where everything was, after all.

As Johann set about to work in the kitchen both the other man and his furry companion stared at him in the uncertainty left behind by the abrupt decision. Then Rustle released his fluffy grip on his owner's hand and leapt off, softly landing on the floor. He headed off towards the sofa, but halfway across he turned back and meowed to his watching owner.

Maybe there was something to be said about breaking healer's orders, but Arc didn't feel that it was the right time to do so. As far as he was concerned, Johann was at least getting back in control of his life, he deserved an exception. Himself? Far from that.

The healer got to his feet and wandered over to the sofa, Rustle running alongside him with tail upright. The kneazle bounded onto the sofa and watched his owner set himself down on it, whiskers forward. Arcturus gave the feline a scratch on the head and was rewarded by a headbutt before Rustle reclaimed his territory on his owner's thighs.

After all that, he was secretly glad that Johann had suggested the sofa. It was something he could sink into, with his body heat and the fire combined it could restore some of the warmth and make him feel human again. There were many words he could use to describe his feelings when he was in that state; 'human' was not one of them.

Rustle curled up in his lap, purring softly as Arcturus' hand glided over his thick fur. He was feeling a little better from the feline vibration, but not wholly himself. What was Johann going to do other than the tea? You'd be lucky if he doesn't tell you what you already kn-- No, having tea made for him wouldn't warrant that kind of thing. He couldn't see Johann doing whatever his head had just suggested.

"I don't think you keeping distance was wrong," he said quietly. "It was a way of not hurting me, and I can't blame you for choosing to do that. It just wasn't you I wanted to stay away from."

The fruit disgrace was catapulted into the sink and rinsed away as the kettle boiled once more on the stove. Proper tea, spoon, milk all emerged from their usual places. There was something soothing generally about the ritual of making tea, however mundane. The bubble of water sloshing into a mug, the ring of a teaspoon on the inside of a mug and the rattle as it was put aside while it brewed. He didn't speak to Arc as it all took place, the noise of the process interrupting. It only took him a second or two to tidy up again before he rounded the back of the sofa, a mug in each hand and set them down at respective ends of the coffee table, Arc's nearest the kitchen.

He settled down on the end to Arc's left, and folded one leg over the other at the knee, which was a little more formal than Johann's usual approach to the sofa, but he had not anticipated staying long, and was not wandering the flat in his socks as he used to.
"No, I imagine not." He replied somewhat matter-of-factly to Arcturus, "But where one goes, the other often follows." He shrugged, and lifted his tea into his lap, the fingers of his left hand gripping the handle while the fingertips of his right poised on the rim.

"And if it's any consolation, Arc, I don't think you 'fuck things up so badly that you hurt other people' on a regular basis at all, quite the opposite. On your ratio of 'fucking up and hurting' to 'fixing and healing' the balance is very firmly on he positive." He smiled and lifted the mug to blow gently on the top of the tea. "I didn't come round because I perceived I was making you miserable. Things weren't the same, for obvious reasons, you and Lix have… well, whatever you have, I don't have a spare set of keys any more, and yes, I have someone else I spend time with on a regular basis. You've seen, better than anyone, what I get up to with twenty-four hours in a day through November, into December. It's not all fun, there's a lot of work, more than there was when you came back." He watched Arcturus carefully as he explained, and finally raised the mug to his lips for a noisier-than-intended sip.

"I didn't avoid here to punish you, or make you jealous, mate. I think you're doing quite enough of that by yourself." He gave an apologetic shrug for the blunt comment.

Johann's mention of him and Elixa made Arcturus give a very dry snort, but he let the man finish talking. "As much as it looks like a close relationship, Joh, Elixa's mostly helping me to stabilise," he said. "I have a shit grasp on emotion after spending so long detached from it, and in the end you weren't equipped to deal with that." He looked away, at the mug on the table, to avoid seeing Johann's expression. "It's not your fault, but she's helping me handle it along with whatever other nuances of being in a relationship, because after all of that I'd rather...fix myself first."

He turned his head slightly towards Johann, but only very slightly. "I always do a good job of punishing myself and making myself feel jealous." His tone was flat and bitter. "It's always my thinking that instead of doing what I did, I could have done something else so things wouldn't have happened the way they are now. But hindsight is always 20/20, huh? After you make a mistake so big someone takes advantage of it for seven years and then just decides to throw you under the bus--"

Arc checked himself. This wasn't the time to go that deep, no matter how hung up he was on that. Johann didn't need to know. "Anyway," he said, his voice slightly strained from the brief moment, "things like that. I just didn't want to...to feel forgotten. Even if we weren't meant to be together, you're still one of the few people I've ever met with whom I could have an intellectual conversation and learn new things from. And maybe that could be solved with just socialising and making more friends, but, hell, when you can't trust people--" His voice cracked a bit and he stopped.

After a moment, he said quietly, "Maybe it's for the best you had to stop dealing with me. No offence meant, but I doubt you would have much patience for how easily I lapse into this sort of thinking, let alone deciphering and trying to deal with this. I don't want to burden you. It's not your problem to deal with. It never was to begin with."