The St Mungo's crested letter had arrived weeks back following his resignation at the Ministry, and he had inked it in, conscious that missing the appointment would only flag him up to the attention of level one again. He preferred the quiet life at the Ministry, what with the reduced hours. There was plenty of other interesting work and things to follow up in the hours he wasn't slaving away on Level Five.

Until he had flicked open the page in his diary to check his availability to cover a morning meeting with Transport had he rediscovered the letter, folded shut between the pages, and his note to self in the morning half of the day's page.

     10.15 - St M's, 3rd Floor


"Ah," He'd informed Pinn with a grim face, "No can do, I'm already booked by Department of Mysteries." It was easier to lie - nobody asked what you were up to on Level Nine, because you could never say. "Give my regards to Higgins if he asks where I am."

At just before ten he was off, leaving his familiar coat behind at his cluttered desk on Level Five under the pretence he was just off down to Level Nine. As he headed for the lifts he passed Gabrielle in the opposite direction and gave her a subtle salute, acknowledgement that he was towing the line.

The staff on the third floor at St Mungo's were as usual very busy. He hadn't been about on the third floor for a good nine months, though he had put in appearances on other wards during that time for a variety of work or family related miscellany. 

When he unfolded his letter at the desk to confirm he had arrived for his appointment, the clerk behind it nodded, consulting a great ledger of appointments beneath her fingertips.
"With Healer Hollingbury, quarter past ten."
"Hollingbury? Says with-."
"Yes, but Healer Hollingbury is your assigned healer, and he's returned to the floor after sabbatical, Sir, so will be happy to see you. Do take a seat, he'll be along presently following his ward rounds."

Her attention dropped, her quill ticking him in as arrived, the conversation complete. Johann stepped away, the letter creasing between his fingers. Elixa's request[1] to stay away from Arcturus for a bit the previous Saturday was backfiring by Thursday, out of his control.

He had been hoping for a short consultation, the usual attempt to sidestep any queries on habits and be home dry in five to ten minutes flat. Just to prove he could still function more than adequately for a Ministry employee, which was what he thought he was there for, in honesty, it being a month to the day[2] he'd requested to take leave.

Mulling over his options, Johann found a seat amongst other waiting patients, some sporting some interesting rashes, and slid the letter back into his diary. On the plus side he could hand over the Malaysia paperwork[3] for Arc to check in person, rather than leaving the envelope with the clerk to pass on as he'd planned, but all in all he felt decidedly apprehensive about the almost-forgotten appointment.

Perhaps he'd be too busy, and cancel. He could but hope.

1.	Oct 30th, I Know
2.	Oct 4th, Begin the End
3.	Oct 29th, Chickenscratch Cryptography

Busy was the name of the morning with Arc just as much as it was with the rest of his floor. The moment he'd come in from the fireplace he had someone immediately consult with him, and the situation had been dire enough for him to go straight into a run. It hadn't really stopped from there since. He was thankful about having done a lot of hiking back in Malaysia; it was paying off now.

Apparently today was a good day to get poisoned in some way. The moment he'd finished seeing to a patient, another one would come in. Fantastic boils, spectacular rashes and a few people throwing up. He directed those patients to healers who could take them somewhere to detoxify, because quite frankly that was a hazard right there. Who knew what was in those fluids.

The waiting patients were a long line. Arc didn't really look at their faces; he literally had no time to do so properly. A quick glance at the patient who had got to their feet, and that was all that was needed. There were at least other healers on the floor who had offices waiting; he just ended up being the shepherd since he was supposed to be on his rounds.

The patients on his list weren't left out either. When he could finally breathe, he left as quickly as possible to see to them. Healer Antonopoulos could only do so much on her own. Rushing back and forth, he was getting somewhat out of breath already, but it was a side effect. He was contented to do this, if at least for the entire morning.

He stopped to consult his appointments for the day near the waiting patients again. If he looked out of the corner of his eye, he could see them watching him. As the healer who unintentionally stood out most on the floor, he wasn't even surprised.

What he was surprised was the fact that Johann Storm was sitting among them.

Arc flipped through the pages of the list of patients for the day, frowning a little. There he was, his name in ink on the parchment, under 10.15. Arc looked up at the clock above the patient beds. 10.20. Well, he hadn't had to look at the clock for three hours since he came in, but he'd forgotten about Johann's folder since that meeting with Gabrielle Murray[1].

Patients were patients, he supposed.

He returned the patient list to its proper place and strode over to where Johann was sitting. "I'll see you now," he said curtly.

Healer. Patient. That would be it.

1.	I Swear by Hippocrates (Oct 27th).

Time seemed to be ticking by at an excruciating rate. In amongst everyone, Johann attempted distract himself by reviewing appointments in his own diary for the next few weeks, and scribbling down things he needed to do. Sunday and Monday had been blissful days of distraction with the Spectres up in Scotland, but he'd been toiling ever since he got back.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hollingbury go by, and his whole body tensed, anxious about the appointment all of a sudden. Another patient was called, and shuffled away to deal with swollen hands. Arcturus disappeared again and Johann exhaled the breath he'd been holding. If it wasn't for level one potentially dropping the scythe on his head for a non-attendance, he'd have been out the door then.

Arcturus passed by again in the other direction, stopping by the clerk. Johann kept his head down but watched out of the corner of his eye, feigning that he was studying his diary on his folded knee. Please be too busy, please be too busy.

"I'll see you now."

Despite himself, Johann jumped a little at the address. Several of the other patients gave him funny looks, waiting to have their various visible ailments seen to.

"Alright." He replied quietly, glancing up at Arcturus and swallowing. The diary snapped shut, and it and the quill made it into his bag before he hastened to follow Arcturus down the corridor, gripping the strap over his right shoulder. He knew where the office was, but he trailed a few steps behind out of politeness and so as not to draw attention to the fact he'd been there before.

The door swung shut behind him once they were within, the noise from the bustling corridor was blocked out immediately. Johann paused, eyes quickly taking in the office to familiarise himself after so many months, and took a seat, dropping his bag down to the left of him out of the way.

"Morning." He finally greeted Arc properly, clearing his throat. Nothing in the way he sat suggested he was particularly at ease to be there. He crossed his ankles and tucked his feet beneath himself, though his foot twitched anxiously. "I hadn't realised we'd be meeting. Think the Ministry just want to make sure I'm not going to keel over before I've finished working my notice." He gave a shrug, though watched Arcturus intently as he spoke.

"Won't take any more of your time than necessary, Arc. What do you need me to do?" He asked, figuring that compliance for the box ticking might get him out of there quicker.

Even once in the office, Arc wasn't done. He took down his bloodwork case from the cabinet in his office and set it on the counter beneath it, for the patients who were refusing to tell the healers anything. Then he retrieved several folders, with some fuss about putting books back to where they belonged, before finally retrieving Johann's folder from the pile on his desk and setting it down in front of him. The whole time he listened to Johann. He knew the man wanted to get out of there as fast as he could. Unfortunately for him, Arcturus was not one to do whatever his patients wanted.

"I didn't expect to see you here again," he said, not looking at Johann as he shuffled the papers in the folder, still standing up. "I didn't want to see you here again, and it's not because of personal matters. Your consumption rate went back up, not as much as it was last year, but definitely a marked increase. It wasn't just after the recent events either, so while that may have been a contributing factor to your increased consumption I don't think it was the major factor."

He found what he was looking for - the most recent set of notes. They hadn't been written that clearly, but Arc didn't need more than one brain to figure out the rest of it. "The Ministry of course doesn't want to expend more of its time sending you back and forth, but I'm not concerned with the Ministry. Never have, never will. But your relative came here asking me if anything could be done, again." He sat down in his chair, somewhat relieved that he could take his weight off his feet now, and looked at Johann. "And now you've tried to resign from your job. I...I don't understand the approach you're taking to your problem, I'm sorry if I'm being utterly obtuse about it, but at this rate your issues are not going to go away if you keep running." His gaze didn't leave Johann's face.

"I don't know what you think about your issues, but from my perspective this is just as bad, if not worse, than the patients sitting out there with various boils and rashes. Because, for you, it's never going to stop. For them out there, it might take a few days for them to get better. But your issue has sunk its roots so deep into you that even I'm starting to flounder." He gazed down at the notes in unfamiliar writing. "There's only so much anyone can do, and I myself doubt that your problems are never going to go away completely."

His thoughts went back to Malaysia. He'd spent so much time there working on everything, and he'd come away feeling like he understood, but Johann's situation was beyond anything he'd ever seen or read about in wizarding society. He was really having to reach out of his comfort zone for this man.

His eyes followed Arcturus from one place to the next with books and files, deciding to keep his mouth shut so as not to hinder them getting through this quickly.

Neither of them had expected to be back here like it had been in January. When Arcturus described his habit returning, Johann pressed his hands to his thighs, swallowing uncomfortably. He nodded, agreeing. It had gone up, he'd lost the motivation to stay off it and since the end of July he'd used it to avoid dreaming.

It was news to him that Gabrielle had been in again and he closed his eyes a moment, sighing irritably. He wished she wouldn't, it was a waste of Arc's time not to mention hideously embarrassing.

"Not again, I had no idea, sorry." He apologised as Arcturus took a seat the other side of the desk. The healer ploughed on, sorting through notes from the rather thick file with Johann's name on the cover. Just over a year ago it had been a few pages thick with a clean bill of health to allow him to work. He hated to think what it had in there now. Too much.

The more Arcturus spoke, the heavier Johann felt his limbs became. He didn't like hearing it put like that - but at least today he didn't feel like laughing it off and telling Arcturus he didn't feel he needed to worry. If it was one of those days he would have taken a chance, left and told the Ministry something had come up. Lied though his teeth.

He leant forward, propping himself on his elbows instead, hands knotted, and listened, gaze unfocused. He could feel Arcturus studying him and that was fair enough.

"No, I very doubt they won't either." He admitted, blinking and looking up at Arcturus finally. "But I appreciate the help in keeping them in control." He sat up properly, recognising this wasn't going to be a box ticking operation. Arcturus was far too wise for that, and his distrust of the Ministry was well know to Johann.

"You're right, it has got worse again over summer, but I am staying out of the hospital apothecary." His expression indicated that it wasn't exactly an achievement, but he felt it worth noting. "I have had nights where I have made plans on how I would, but I haven't acted on them. The only hospital potion was in July from Head Healer Elliot, I'd not slept in about five days then, Ignan put me under house arrest[1]."

He sighed, "I didn't resign just because of my health, there were political reasons, but after my father died I didn't feel in control enough to be relied on. I was panicking, I went AWOL twice. They've reduced my hours, I feel a little more in control again. That wasn't running." He shrugged, dropping the insistent tone from his voice.

"You're not obtuse, anything but. Just I'm the arse who can't eloquently explain what's happening to him. That's why I ask, what do you need me to do, to help figure it out? Because I'm doing so f-ing well on my own." He let out an exasperated sigh, trying to shove thoughts of feeling pointless to one side. His shoulders were tight and his stomach churned - though probably more for being upset with him for the previous night's combination of Lycopodium and Belladona.

1.	July 30th, Staring Over the Ledge

Malaysia. The places he'd gone to talk about these things, and found a dark cave just sucking him in. It had all been very fascinating, but he supposed to the people he spoke to, it had been more than hell. And he couldn't imagine having to live like that. Knowing that Johann could possibly go down that same path was not comforting to him, both on a healer and personal level despite the events of the previous two weeks.

"You don't need to be eloquent to explain," he said. "Just say it. None of whatever you feel is going to step one foot out of here, unlike all the gossip I heard two weeks ago and people trying to grab me and sit me down and tell me what went down. What do you really see this addiction as? Or the circumstances leading up to it? Is this something that you think you can't avoid? Or cure? Whatever, really, just tell me. Because as far as I'm concerned, you're hiding details from people and the only reason why you're not reluctant to tell me is because I don't call you an idiot for it or belittle your problems."

He leaned back in his seat. "Why didn't you take paid leave from the Ministry? I thought they had bereavement leave." While he'd never been subject to that, his father had. "If you need time away to pull yourself together, I'm sure people would understand. But even so, I'm not asking you to do this, do that, do that too because that's not the answer to your problems. If it were that easy I probably wouldn't have a job here. I don't care if you're not being in the apothecary, that's not the issue anymore. You're still getting your 'fix' from outside places that have no care for your wellbeing and just want money from you.

"Maybe you just see my meetings as a nuisance, coming down here over and over again to not make much progress repeatedly and regressing because there's no way out that you can see. I don't know. I've never been on that side and I'm not about to tell you that you're wrong. Because it's normal to feel like that, and even I agree on it. The only thing I can tell you is that there is no easy answer to your problems. None. There's no potion that will cure your addiction, no salve that will close up the wounds for the duration of your addiction, nothing.

"You know, this would be easy for me to, at this point, say there's nothing I can do for you. But for the sake of you being healthier for the rest of your life, however long or short that may be, I cannot just decide to close your case and tell the Ministry to leave you alone. That would go against what I believe in, what I work for. The only thing I can do is listen to you and understand you as best as I can so that even if I have no set path to follow I at least have some form of a start." Arcturus waved a hand irritably. "But enough of me wittering about my feelings on this case, I'll digress if I keep going. Just talk about it."

As Johann listened to Arcturus impart his thoughts, it felt like they were talking properly for the first time since the healer had come home. There was no Elixa to interrupt, no family, no sister's memory, slime to bottle or import forms to complete. The desk between them was necessary distance.

The questions came quickly and then more words, so he tried to hang on to them, for a way to navigate their conversation.

"… Just talk about it." Four words at the end of what seemed like several hundred. They hung in the air between them and suddenly Johann felt as if he couldn't form one towards meeting that demand.

"Alright, give me a second." He replied eventually, closing his eyes to focus his mind, mentally clicking his fingers to bring all the stray thoughts and the unruly voices to attention. It felt like level five on a busy day up there and that was no good for explaining himself. It only took a moment before he opened his eyes again and drew breath.

"Sleeping potion is a way to cope." He admitted, folding one leg over the other, looking displeased at the statement. "It's a way of shutting up my head for enough hours to sleep. Imagine the hospital gossips, imagine that all around you just as you're lying down to sleep, and they're nagging you and wanting you to stay awake and listen? They go on, and on, and won't relent, so you give up, try to move on, do something else, appease them. Then after two nights of no sleep, the frustration begins. By the third night you're physically tired and you can't even sit up and read to distract yourself but the noise won't stop. That's how it is. And the only way to drag myself from up here to down there where I can't hear them and I'm no longer conscious of them is potion." He gestured with a and above his shoulder to down by his waist.

"And if by some luck I manage it without, then I dream, vividly, of drowning, of things that have happened. August, I was haunted by the same recurring nightmare of the werewolf attack to my father, to the point I hallucinated I was covered in blood again the night before I went away to Suriname with the Department. I'd barely slept all that week, but you're right, I hide it, and I went to Suriname and survived, probably because the apothecary remedies worked back then."

He pushed a hand up over his forehead and pulled back his curls, steadfastly refusing to listen to the taunts in his head about what he was doing.

"Arc, I know I can't keep doing this, I don't want to keep on doing this. If I took the time to pull myself together I could be years, and I can't afford financially to do it, the Ministry certainly wouldn't wait and I don't think I'll survive the years either." His eyes pricked, more out of frustration, "Besides, the work is a good distraction, and something I take pleasure in. Routine."

He paused, mind taking a step back, contemplating what else to add, and he dropped his hand, instead counting off on his fingers:
"Nux vomica, lycopodium, ferventalgor, aconite, alumina asarum, ignatia. I'm pretty much tolerant to all of those once more, which leaves me belladonna that makes me vomit sometimes or seeking out something more dangerous again when I'm desperate. Which will land me back here, and the cycle begins again."

Though the way he'd been feeling some days, the thought of demanding to be admitted had crossed his mind, whereas the next he would feel as if it was all a silly notion, and he could find thirty hours in the day to complete his work, when thirty did not exist.

Arc picked up a quill and started taking notes of everything Johann was saying as it came out. He didn't think he could remember them all once his patient was done, and even then just having the words flash past in his mind he was already doubting his own capabilities. But now that it had been thrust in his hands, he couldn't now say, "Look, I can't do this, it's up to you now, bye."

Because that was just something that would go against his purpose. His hand wrote the words down on automatic while he wondered exactly how he was going to deal with this.

He winced at the list of potions Johann went down. "Oh, Zeus, no wonder you got addicted. The more you drink them the more resistance you gain because you get used to the dosage, and then you go further." Arc glanced at the notes. They did not look great at all, nope.

"See, here's the thing." He absently twirled the quill in his hand to jab the feather at the parchment. "There is no quick answer for this. There really isn't. I'd love to say there is, but if I did that would be outright lying. Your problem starts affecting people and they assume that you should deal with it yourself, but that right there is the biggest issue of it all - you need the support of people to break out of this, somehow, if you can."

He eyed Johann. "Have you told anyone about this problem other than me? When I say 'told' I mean in-depth, not 'oh I have sleeping issues but it'll be fine'. As far as I know, your relative doesn't understand why you're doing it to yourself. And by 'anyone' I mean people who are close to you, people you trust to back you up and not judge you."

Should he say? There were strange books sitting behind him, books that technically St Mungo's would never allow. He'd been to places he never thought would exist, taken training from experts who had had an entirely different view on medicine and how it should work, and yet...

Arc fiddled with a corner of the parchment, and then eventually threw down his quill. "Blast it, I might as well tell you now. I've been working on your problems for over the past six months, trying to go beyond what the wizarding world can offer me. I'm working on something that might be able to give you some respite without all the health problems, but I can't guarantee it. I can't guarantee anything. Because I'm very, very out of my depth here and so far what I've discovered is far out of my field - and even out of the power of potions. In the same way a love potion can only simulate obsession, not true love, every other potion I know will only simulate lethargy, not calm your mind."

He looked at Johann, his jaw set. "But it doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you. You're just going to have to involve more people with your problem, people who love you and will support you, because as far as I can see this, you cannot do this entirely on your own."

As he spoke, Arc's quill scratched over new hospital record paper. Perhaps one day the pages of that file would form the foundations of a best seller, though probably more of a melancholy tragedy the way he heard himself at the moment.

"The more you drink them the more resistance…"
"Exactly." Johann replied, gently speaking over the healer. This is how it had happened last time, and why he'd been driven to manipulate one of Arc's former colleagues in the apothecary. He still felt pretty awful for doing it, for taking advantage of her interest in friendship and possible physical attraction to be able to thieve it. Not his finest moment.

"Your problem starts affecting people…" Johann gave Arcturus a queer look at this statement, he hadn't perceived his condition to be particularly impacting anyone other than his clients who ended up waiting on late deliveries. He perceived Gabrielle to more be bothered by his lack of work and his disappearances which he did not directly attribute to a potion reliance.

When Arcturus asked him he had told anyone else in any detail, Johann dropped his gaze and tapped his fingertips on his knees, looking decidedly unsure. He didn't have to reply, Arcturus interjected about some other solution. He was genuinely surprised that he had been a preoccupation of any sort while Arcturus had been in Malaysia. Hadn't the healer gone there to forget Johann?

Still, the suggestion was intriguing, though it sounded impossible.
"Well, I'm willing to take the chance despite the risks." He uttered, blue eyes still staring at Arcturus, still very much surprised he had done such a thing while he was away, unless it had been out of professional pride.

"But it doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you. You're just going to have to involve more people with your problem, people who love you and will support you, because as far as I can see this, you cannot do this entirely on your own."
"I'm not on my own." Johann replied without hesitation, and the corners of his mouth curled up, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. "There are plenty of people looking out for me." His fingertips were tapping anxiously on his knee again.

"I don't need to sit them down and say 'hey, listen, turns out I'm going crazy', people don't need to know that," Johann insisted. "You think anyone's going to look at me in quite the same way if I do? People in the Ministry already make jokes about sleeping potion, and that wasn't meant to make it out the room either." He fully suspected where that had got out from though, Hamilton's good samaritan act hadn't lasted long once he'd found out Johann wasn't dead after delivering him to the ground floor of St Mungo's last November.

"Sorry, Arcturus, what I do for a living is based on trust and reliability. If this - instability becomes common, accepted knowledge, I destroy my reputation. And what are people meant to say 'oh gosh, that's terrible, feel better soon?'" He gave an exaggerated shrug, frustrated.

"You're not crazy." Arc said those words in a very final, no-nonsense tone. The next words were on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't say them. He felt that Johann's case was too serious for whatever followed next, and therefore required none of that.

"You want people to trust you, yet you don't trust them? Isn't trust was a two-way street? Or was I taught wrong?" The healer raised an eyebrow. "The people who do care for you will know that. Don't you trust them enough to believe in you, believe that you can resolve your problems with ample support? Do you trust and believe in yourself to be able to make these changes? Because as far as I'm concerned, Johann, I can't change who you are and the task is too elephantine even for me."

He looked down at the parchment on which he had written the notes. "You don't fool me. 'Plenty of people looking out for me.' People who want to wring your neck, or people who will catch you if you fall? Do you genuinely know who has your back or not? Otherwise I suppose you wouldn't be saying that kind of thing to me.

"The people who care for you will not flippantly dismiss your situation. Can you tell me the names of the people who will leap to help you? Don't name me." Arc shrugged. "As far as people see us now, I'm just the professional who has to deal with hundreds of other patients. They don't know you're my regular. They don't know anything else about the two of us. And frankly, apart from my vow of patient confidentiality, I'm not going to spill solely because I know how it feels like to be betrayed."

He put his quill down and interlocked his fingers on the surface of the desk as he gazed at Johann. "Maybe it's different for the two of us. Maybe we see this whole 'trust' thing differently when it comes to our matters. I could be assuming wrong of what you see of others. Am I? Let me know."

You don't live in my head. Johann thought in response to Arc's firm response, and folded his hands back into his lap, frowning a little as he listened.

"Isn't trust a two-way street…"
"Oh Merlin you've never met my clients." Johann uttered beneath his breath, mirroring Arc's eyebrow raise for an entirely different reason. He just about trusted some of them to pay him on time because of who he associated with. Others were completely above board but he still wouldn't trust them, or even entertain mentioning anything personal.

Arc threw question after question at him, and Johann tried to open his mouth to reply on more than one occasion, only to be served another.
He doesn't really understand one of the voices taunted, diverting his attention for a split second. You're just an experiment. This had been one of the more reasonable, level days, but he could feel his mood creeping up on him, and his eyes hadn't failed to miss the same set that had been out in January when Arc had tested his blood.

We're fine though, nobody needs to know.
He only feels obliged to keep this going because he abandoned you

"… Let me know."
"Yes," Johann replied out loud, and then realised Arcturus had asked him a direct question and his attention had slipped at the vital moment. "I mean, no. I-."
Trust his mind helpfully prompted.

"I don't perceive trust to be quite as simplistic, no." Johann confirmed and unfolded his legs, sifting back through all the questions. He was perfectly capable of keeping track of them, the answers were the difficult part.

"The trust I meant was the professional trust between myself and a client, or between me and a Ministry colleague. That trust I'm not going anywhere near with this." He gestured with his hands outstretched, palms facing each other. "And as you know I keep a very wide circle of friends, so much the same. The sort who think I'm clever. It's the ones that are closest who call me the idiot I am."

He leaned back a little,
"The names of people who at a push I think would help?" He clarified, and raised a hand to count them off, just as he had the potions. "Only those who have half a clue, Lix, my mother… Ignan, Colin." He gave his thumb and three raised fingers a strange look. It was odd to think how many people he did know and socialise with, and how few he actually knew to any extent - one exempt from the count, another had picked him up off the floor unconscious and the other three relations of some sort.

"Those who don't, Omari…" he raised his little finger to make five, and contemplated. "I.." He looked to his right hand from his left and went to raise his thumb to count another and hesitated.

"I don't think I could broach it with Balfour. Early days for us. He's got enough on his plate, and he'll only worry needlessly. Not like when we were together, you already knew - seen it first hand. I don't want to scare him off. Besides, that's more than enough people to know, and by your measurement the ones over here don't even know to the extent you do." He turned his head back to the left hand and dropped them both back to his knees.

"I don't see how it'll help me sleep though, are they meant to cheer me on at the foot of the bed?" He gave another shrug, not meaning to be rude, only that he was none too enthusiastic about this proposition.

To think about it even from Johann's perspective made Arc blink several times. He sat there listening to the man in silence, and when Johann was done the healer didn't immediately respond. He just closed his eyes.

He really thinks he's fine.
He doesn't want to bother people with his issues.
His heart's not in it.
He thinks this is entirely unnecessary.
What does he think, that this is all going to go away and everything will be peaches and cream for him one day?

Suddenly Arc felt very tired and his heart achingly heavy. There was so much to do, and not enough time. Too much to worry about. He felt like having a smoke, and it wasn't even noon yet.

For the first time during the entire conversation, he felt entirely lost for words. He didn't know how to explain what he saw from his own perspective without suspecting Johann would simply take it as just words and something that didn't apply to him. This patient's case was completely and utterly unique to him, and as much as he'd searched fervently and fruitlessly in magical books for days and nights, sacrificing sleep to try and find a magical solution without having to label him as "mad" and write him off to the long-term wards in the hospital, there had been nothing he could find on the subject.

Not that the answer he'd been given when he asked Zariah and Katie about it was any better, since it had just opened doors to a whole new worry that he was starting to realise he understood very little of in any way, just that people tended to start out seeing it as not a problem to be considered a problem in the first place.

After a long silence, he got to his feet, not looking at Johann. "Excuse me a moment, please." Without waiting for an answer, he stepped behind the curtain that separated his desk and all the administrative work from the back, where he usually did his bloodwork and quick tests. It was not fully drawn out, but it was enough to hide him from Johann's view.

He leaned his shoulder against the wall, for a moment letting himself curl up a little like he usually did when he was confused, lost and sad. How could he do anything, by himself, to solve this gigantic problem that had its roots deeper than even what he could deal with? This was a battle that he couldn't win because he had no idea how to make the person involved understand.

...that was his battle though, wasn't it? Arc glanced at the healer's crest on his shoulder. He couldn't give up, and it wasn't just because of being friends with Johann. It was what his entire life had a stake in.

He really needed that cigarette.

Had he gone to count to ten? Johann was genuinely puzzled by the reaction. He hadn't meant his comment to be rude, just how he felt, and Arcturus wanted him to be honest.

Did he not answer the question? Or had he missed one? His mind skipped backwards, though a bit of panic had begun to set in. This was really not going as he hoped, and he had horrible thoughts he might not be leaving that morning. The voices continued to nitpick and twist everything in the recent conversation while he tried to think over the top of the noise.

The Ministry was only covering its backside to make sure he didn't keel over, he was absolutely sure, but Arcturus was attempting to do his job, and had already referenced more than once that this situation was beyond him.

Perhaps he should make the decision for Arcturus? He turned his head away from the direction Arc had vanished in and glanced behind himself at the office door, tapping his fingertips again as he did. He could leave, tell Arcturus not to worry.

Trouble was, he knew he did need someone with healing expertise to try and figure out what was going on. He was starting to run out of options again. Also, since handing in his notice, he had been slowly convinced by others that it would be worth reconsidering it. Certainly Gabrielle had been upfront about wanting him to reconsider. He would have a job - unless Zephyr decided enough was enough. Ira would find him far more useful in the Ministry, along with many of his clients. It helped him keep up to speed on matters, and was a regular income outside of his private work. If he could just find some balance.

If the Minister could be swayed, he could redeem himself. And perhaps he was silly to think she even thought of him past September when she'd had to field questions about what had happened in the courtroom from eager Daily Prophet reporters. Perhaps he was worried for nothing there.

He turned back, eyes trailing along Arc's desktop, contemplating the stack of notes. What answer did Hollingbury want to hear from all that? Clearly he hadn't wanted to hear the honest answer. The honest answer was not the correct answer in this case.

Johann turned his left hand over, considering the people he'd mentioned again.
"Alright." He spoke, breaking the silence, raising his voice ever so slightly to be sure it was clearly heard. "I suppose I can see to speak to my mother about it." He folded his arms across his chest defensively, "That's a start, but I don't like talking about it, and I still don't think people need to know any more than they do already."

The thought of doing it was already filling him with dread. He felt like he was meant to be supporting her and not the other way round. The past five months had been a sudden, horrible set of changes for her. She was now only just getting back on her feet again. He was a grown man! He did not relish the task, or the thought of her asking him things or looking at him differently.

"If this is too much Arcturus, then we'll draw a line, you don't need to feel obligated to help me because you're a friend as well as a healer. I was going to go to Torret if she were available, give you some space... Look, is there anything else I can try - what about this research, I mean, do you need anything for that? I had no idea you were even thinking about this while you were away." He frowned, almost as if to suggest Arcturus shouldn't have been.

Arc listened from behind the curtain, not saying anything until Johann was done. After a minute he straightened up and walked out, slightly thankful he hadn't chosen to go bang his head on the wall in retrospect even though he had been considering it. This wasn't worth a headache even if it had been metaphorically one.

"It's not that I feel obligated to do this because I'm your friend, Johann," he said quietly, in a less formal manner than he had been throughout the earlier parts of the conversation. "I don't want people to go through what I've been through. That's all. Maybe that's a little self-centred, but," he looked down, "that's what gives me the drive to keep going in any case."

He sat down in his chair again and then only looked up at Johann. "I know you don't like it, but if we did anything we liked I'd be throwing a book at your head by now and you'd be upset at my usage of concussion to make you understand. No, I'm not going to do that, don't look so alarmed. It's a start, yes. Just start out small. People you really trust to not belittle or ridicule you."

He heaved a sigh. "I know it's hard for you and possibly your mother after all of that, but when all of this is over and done with, and you're living a better life, you can apologise to her and make up to her for it. Unless you want to entertain the notion that if you don't get this over with, you might just become a wreck and never get to tell her that you never meant to hurt her." The expression on Arc's face was more than despondent; though he didn't realise it at the time, part of his own feelings were contributing to that. "In the long run, which future would you strive for?"

The healer carefully picked up the piece of paper he'd written and folded it neatly before holding it up. "This is not going into your folder, it's my own research. No, I don't need anything for it except for the materials from Malaysia that I asked your help for. Half of the ingredients in there are for your case, as well as at least two books of notes. The reason why I continued your research was because there is, like I said, no remedy for this sort of thing in our society. Everyone's quick to call the slightest oddity in mental aptitude 'insanity', whereas Muggles have books and books of this stuff for years. Why did we never look into it? Why do we jump to the conclusion that 'normal' is good and 'different' is bad when we cannot define 'normal'? I don't know.

"I don't believe you're crazy. Not after reading what they had to say on the subject." Arc bit his lower lip gently. "But I can't mention any of this in an official capacity, because do you think St Mungo's would endorse it? I doubt it, not even if I defend my position. So this is one of my projects. If you want to think of it as you being my 'experiment', fine. It technically is. But if anything, I like to think of it as something that actually gives us a basis to help others in the future who are similarly afflicted."

After a moment, Arc added, "I'm sorry if I'm talking more than usual, but I think these were the things I should have been talking to you about a long time ago. Things that we should have straightened out. It's not just because I'm your friend, or your healer, or whatever else - it's just that, we're people. We should think of each other as people, and treat each other as such. And I'm sincerely sorry it took me this long to hash it out with you properly."

Johann was glad to see Arcturus return to his seat. He had been suspicious that the healer was up to something behind there. The admission he wanted to throw a book at Johann's head did get a surprised response from the linguist, though it took the edge off the odd silence. He'd almost rather Arc had just to get a handle past that pokerface!

He nodded in agreement.
"That I can do." He assured Arcturus as they found a middle ground. "Hm, better to explain to her now than if it gets to the point I'm admitted again. She's in the same country now, last time I kept it from the- from her."

He was curious to hear more about what Arcturus had been reading (though a little apprehensive too) but figured he would wait until another time to ask about that - time was moving on quickly and he was conscious Arcturus probably had other patients to see.

"... So this is one of my projects. If you want to think of it as you being my 'experiment', fine. It technically is. But if..." Arcturus continued, folding away notes out of the big stack. Is that what he considers your months together as too? one of the voices queried, preying on anxieties. Stop it he retorted, and outwardly frowned, his gaze slipping a moment as his attention moved.

"Likewise." He replied to Arc's apology for talking too much too late. "Hopefully not too late for us both though, er, in this capacity anyhow. I still need you, Healer Hollingbury." His tone has lost a lot of the edge and defiance. The air felt a lot clearer for all of that and his shoulders felt less tense. It was still going to be ruddy difficult, but at least they were beginning to see eye to eye.

In a sudden gesture he dragged his chair towards the back of Arc's desk, close enough that he was able to lean an elbow on it, and read the odd thing upsidedown if he dropped his gaze, but he tried to resist.
"Project, experiment, fine. I trust you more than I trust myself not to do me an injury." He swiped a hand in mid-air as if to indicate that was put aside, no issue any more. "I'll speak to my mother, we'll see how that goes. I have your import forms with me to give to you to sign. But it looks to me you need data. Not to go in this pile." He gestured to the larger one, "But the other. Well, unless this pile needs something in it to keep up appearances for the both of us. So. What do you need?"