The entire week had been a disaster.  Jordyn had to find every excuse to avoid the plant and poisoning ward of the hospital and on top of that, she’d been avoiding in depth communication with Jai all week.  They’d owled a couple of times, but Jordyn felt so bad every single time she’d sent a message… she would just wait for twenty minutes before she could even set the quill to paper.  She hoped Jai didn’t notice that she’d been a little more… reserved than usual in her messages.  It was her preoccupation with her own writing that made her miss anything that might have been amiss in Jai’s letters. 

They’d made plans for the weekend – and though she was nervous about him coming over… she wouldn’t have been able to handle his house.  He had so much family.  At least at Jordyn’s home they knew there wasn’t anyone to expect showing up.  But even that didn’t make her feel much better at this point. 

The memory of the party ran through her head what felt like hourly.  It only served to make her more anxious than she already was about him coming over – but she was going to make up for it.    Maybe it took a colossal mistake of epic proportions to tell her this, but she was extremely lucky that she had a boyfriend who was so kind and sweet and cared about her.  It seemed like she was always the one doing things wrong and screwing up and so far, he’d been willing to bear it all.  Maybe this was another one of those things. 

Jordyn certainly hoped so.  In an effort to counteract some of the terrible, Jordyn might have gone a little bit overboard. She’d bought several bottles of wine, attempted to make dinner (before she’d decided on ordering in – it was just better that way), and found every candle in the house to light.  It wasn’t much, but it was what she could manage.   Wringing her hands, Jordyn let out a deep breath.  It was nearly six and Jai was pretty much always on-time. 

Jord fidgeted with the star necklace she had worn on her neck since Jai gave it to her.  She hoped that even if she told him… he’d see it and it’d be okay.  Merlin, she felt like a complete screw up.

Just a few weeks before this, Jai had been in a blissful place with the girl he loved. The hours he spent at work led up to the days where he could see her, kiss her, even just talk to her. Things had been going really well, even if Jordyn clearly still felt uneasy about the whole thing. Visiting her parents' house gave him some perspective on why she was that way and he was doing his best to make her more comfortable.

Which is why when he'd heard through the grapevine that at Gracie Slant's party, Jordyn had been seen snogging Tracy Jones. He was in the same year, someone Jai had taken classes with but never really gotten to know. Jai instantly blamed himself, his heart breaking inside of his chest. A thousand questions circulated around the story in every one, Jai had pushed Jordyn towards this.  Tracy Jones had the brawn to compete in the Tetra Wizard tournament- something that Jai could never see himself participating in, even if he was paid. Jai knew what Tracy Jones looked like and had also looked in a mirror at himself. It wasn't a hard choice, was it?

Something in the pit of his stomach told him that Jordyn wasn't going to fess up, either. At least not right away, not without Jai pushing her to it -- and wasn't that what had gotten them in this mess in the first place? He was having difficulty deciding if he was angry, hurt, or just plain sad. It seemed to be a horrific blending of the three, poured atop his already significant anxiety.

Jordyn answered the door in a beautiful dress, nothing like he'd ever seen her wear before. He was accustomed to seeing her draped in black or some such dark color. This shade brought out the sparkle in her eyes and the shine of her hair. She looked brighter. Was this a lifestyle change, or was she trying to distract him? Jai fidgeted. He didn't know how to act or what to say.

The place had been set up with candles and wine and food, a clear attempt at a date. In fact, it was very reminiscent of their first date. Remembering this caused a pang deep in Jai's chest. "What's up?" Jai asked. He wasn't just referring to the scenery or the outfit- he was also interested to see what her answer would be.

 When she answered the door, Jordyn genuinely smiled, even though it made her stomach hurt a little bit.  The guilt made her lean forward slightly, her stomach clenching.  She was always happy to see him after a long week at work, with his long limbs and crooked smile – swoop of thick black hair and brown eyes included.  But right now, she felt so bad seeing him that she lost some of the shine of her smile. 

Stepping out of the way, she let Jai come in and went to greet him, per usual – a hug and kiss (she really did want to kiss him), but she felt a little stunted.  It was awkward to reach around and touch him – it felt like she was doing something dishonest.  Jordyn was not used to feeling dishonest.  So, she settled at a one armed hug and she leaned up on her toes (the heels did most of the work today) to kiss his cheek, greeting him in his ear.  A faint, pink mark was left in the wake of the peck. 

She leaned back down flat on her shoes and took a step back, looking up at his face.  He didn’t greet her like normal.  Did he know?  She hadn’t told him… she didn’t think her friends would have talked about it... She took a deep breath through her nose and pushed the fear down.  If he knew he’d say something – and she wasn’t going to spring it on him the second he walked through the door.

It wasn’t that she didn’t intend to tell him at all – just… timing mattered.  What was up, she asked herself – biting on her tongue on the side of her mouth for a moment.  “Really busy week at St. Mungo’s,” she sighed, “but I’m glad it’s the weekend again.”  She licked her lips – her whole mouth was dry.  “I’m glad you’re here – I missed you,” she reached over and rested her hand on his forearm a little over his watch and gave a little squeeze.  “What about you?”

 Over the past few months, Jai had truly started to believe that he was getting control over his anxieties. He still felt obligated to straighten things out and put them in the right spot, along with a few other things- but he wasn't worried as constantly as he once had been. Life before Jordyn seemed impossible- how did he survive without her?

Since hearing about what drunk Jordyn had done made him feel extraordinarily foolish. There had once been a time when he'd been the one making out with drunk Jordyn; it was the way they'd first become intimate. It was silly, probably immature - but it was their story, and that felt special. What did it mean now? Was Jai an idiot for thinking they had something real?

All of these unanswered questions put Jai's anxiety at a remarkably high level. It had been a long time since he'd been this jittery and nervous. It was lucky that Jordyn's house was so sparse, or Jai would have probably been neurotically rearranging.

He couldn't help but go over and move the furniture so that they were all at perfect right angles. They only had to be adjusted ever so slightly, but to Jai it was huge. He crossed the room, back to the table where Jord had set things up. He turned the bottles so that the labels were aligned. He fixed a few other things and failed to address Jordyn's lack of confession. Jai was stuck in his head.

He didn’t answer her.  In fact, he didn’t even seem to be looking at her at all when she spoke. He was distracted and his eyes seemed to be darting all over the room.  Usually, he was so focused on her it would make her uncomfortable – like he used every spare second to look at her. 

But he didn’t even seem to care – he breezed past her, without what appeared to be even a thought and started to move things.  Jordyn looked on helplessly.  He didn’t usually do this – the last time she’d seen him go into a zone like this was in the bookstore over a Hogsmeade weekend.  She opened her mouth to say something as he started to move the chairs and table – then the wine bottles, and it was just getting too much. 

Walking forward, Jordyn circled around the other side of the table and put her hands on the table top, trying to duck down so she could meet his eyes.  “Jai,” she reached out again and tried to still his hands for a second, “Jai?”  Licking her lips, she sighed and raised her voice to try and get his attention, “Jai!” she tried to make sure her voice didn’t shake… she was only partially successful.

“What’s the matter?” she knocked on the table. 

Jai sensed that Jordyn was trying to get his attention but it was like he was a magnet, drawn to fix the imperfections around him. What really needed fixing, though, he was unable to talk about. When Jordyn looked him in the eyes, he wanted to get out of this zone and forget all about what he'd heard at the party. His anxiety was taking control, though, and it wasn't letting him ignore the facts.

After a few unsuccessful attempts to get Jai to focus, Jordyn knocked on the table and for a moment, he snapped out of it. He stopped what he was doing, froze, and looked straight at her. His eyes were filled with hurt, confusion, and concern. Words failed him. He started to fidget, feeling that pull to rearrange again. Anything to avoid talking about what was really bothering him.

"Jord..." he started to say. He was really getting overwhelmed already. How was this conversation going to go? Jai wasn't sure if he could handle hearing what a disappointing boyfriend he had been. Still at a loss for words, Jai continued to look at her, trying to find them.

When Jordyn did get Jai’s attention – she instantly felt her stomach drop.  He looked at her an expression that… Jordyn’s stomach dropped.  It looked like she’d hit him.  She didn’t mean to seem impatient or judgey or anything.  She didn’t want to hurt him.  “I didn’t mean to be impatient with you,” she blurted out, a blush rising on her cheeks.

“I know you can’t help it,” she added and reached over to squeeze his hand.  Though her gloves were lace, they were charmed to be soft, like leather.  She was very skilled at that type of charm.  But right now, it didn’t seem to matter at all.  Letting out a deep breath, Jordyn really did feel badly that she’d raised her voice at him and knocked on the table like that.  “I just,” she didn’t usually talk this much, but Jai seemed to be at a complete loss for words, “talk to me?”

He could tell he was making her anxious too so he did his best to calm down. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, his eyebrows knitted in concentration. After letting out a slow sigh, he opened his eyes again and looked at Jordyn. Although the panicked look was abating, the hurt and confusion were still there.

Jai cast a spell so that the red wine opened up and poured a glass. He walked over to the table and took a sip. This erratic behavior was probably confusing to Jordyn, who was not used to Jai being so disoriented. His assumption was that the wine might calm him down, but it at least gave him the confidence to ask her a question. "What happened at Gracie's party Jord?"

He still didn’t talk immediately after she asked him to talk to her.  He was jittery and took out his wand, casting a spell on the bottle.  Unlike usual, only one glass was poured and Jordyn stood up straight without taking a step away.  She was just confused – one minute he looked like he was going to cry and now he was jerky and grabbed the glass of wine to drink out of it. 

It made her stomach tie in knots. 

She had to remind herself to breathe evenly and she wished she could bite her nails.  It was a terrible childhood habit, her mother had broken her of it but right now she really wanted to bite her nails.  Or she wanted her bottle own bottle of wine.  But she couldn’t move – especially when the realy question came out:  What happened at Gracie’s party, Jord?

A white hot flash pulsated from the pit of her stomach and she was glad she was near the table because her hands shook as she grabbed the bottle of wine and poured her own glass – perhaps a little bit more than a regular glass would usually have.  Her hands were still shaking and Jordyn took a little sip.  Even though she usually liked this, it tasted a little bitter in her mouth and once she swallowed, she placed it down with a shaky breath. 

“Jai…” she started, swallowing hard, “Don’t – I mean, it wasn’t,” she reached up and tried not to rub her hand on her eyes, but pinched the bridge of her nose.  “I mean, I wanted to tell you…” she let out a deep breath, “I just – I didn’t – I was waiting for the right time.”

"I wanted to tell you..."

At this, Jai's heart sank. Was this relationship ending already? It had seemed too good to be true, and apparently it had been. Of course he couldn't attain a girl like Jordyn; what had he been thinking? "How long have you..." Jai wasn't sure how to finish this question. Was this even the right start? Jai wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

His lips shifted to the side as a thousand questions raced through his mind. He drank more wine, since that was the way he loosened up and was apparently what would be getting them through this conversation. "Was it something I did?" Jai asked rather pathetically. This whole thing felt like his fault.

”How long have you…”

Jordyn did not know what that meant but she didn’t like the sound of it.  She had never done anything like this before!  It wasn’t even something she had gone into the evening every expecting she would do.  It was a lapse, not a pattern.  Feeling her face grow hot, she clenched her jaw for a moment; glad she wasn’t holding the glass of wine – she felt like she might have crushed the stem in her hand.  “That was the only time!” she defended herself in a terse voice. 

She had never really considered she’d be that type of girl.  It made her stomach hurt to think that he thought she was.  She know it had happened… but it wasn’t on purpose.  She knew she wasn’t a great person… but she thought she was okay.  Apparently not. 

But then he was making it about things he did and Jordyn blinked.  What was he talking about?  Wasn’t he just accusing her of doing this more than once?  Her brown eyes went wide and her mouth hung open a little bit.  The tension in her jaw had released almost completely and her shoulders sagged.  Confusion was a weighty emotion.  “What?” she balked, “No,” she immediately followed with and shook her head. 

“It was just a stupid mistake,” she emphasized to him and swallowed – tightness in her throat.  “I didn’t – you didn’t do anything, Jai.  It’s not you.” She rubbed her temple a little bit before looking up, a little resigned to the fact:  “It’s me – I’m the terrible person.”

It was peculiar, but hearing that the whole thing wasn't his fault was relieving in a way. It didn't clear things up for him at all, though. Jai was still confused and hurt, still not completely convinced that this wasn't his fault. There had to be a reason for it. His skepticism showed, and his mind produced another set of questions, none of which he wanted to ask.

"It was just a stupid mistake...It's me- I'm the terrible person."

That Jordyn thought this saddened Jai more than the situation itself. He'd seen most sides of her, at least he had thought so... and he knew that she was rough, but she had it rough. Getting through her tough skin let you see a sweet girl who loved sugary foods, had ambition, was beautiful and shy.

"Are you happy with me?" Jai finally asked. There had been a long pause where he didn't know what to say, and he wasn't sure if this was even the right thing. It was what he was mostly concerned about anyway. "It's okay if you're not..." Jai looked down at his feet and trailed off. "I don't think you're a terrible person for that."

When her hands were finished shaking, Jordyn was able to reach and take another sip of the wine she’d put on the table in front of her.  It really helped settle her for a second, actually and the fact that her face got instantly warmer… she lowered the glass from her lips so she wouldn’t be too tempted to keep going and being an idiot. 

It was enough to go to her head just a little already.  Jordyn did not have the tolerance of some people.  The question he asked was hard and she closed her eyes, her head swimming just a little bit.  “Jai,” she bit her lip and shook her head.

He was so wrong. 

“Stop,” she put the glass down on the edge of the table, “No – no.”  She took a step back from the table, finally and pulled out the chair so she could sit down, resting her elbows on the table.  “I’m so happy when I’m with you,” she looked up, “You…” she shook her head, not really having the words to say what she wanted to say.  “I don’t even know what to do sometimes – you’re so good.” 

It was true – he was just something else.  Honestly, the nicest boy she’d ever known and far nicer to her than anyone else had ever been.  “I didn’t even think – I mean, we were just dancing, you know? And then it was happening and for a minute it was like I didn’t know what I was doing…” It wasn’t a good excuse, but it was what she had.  “I felt – feel – terrible.”

Jai stood standing when Jordyn sat down. It felt like someone had hexed his feet to the ground. He was stuck standing there, but at least he had wine, which he stared at as he swirled it around in the glass. He listened to Jordyn talk about what had happened, and to her compliments.

He had known her for a long time now, and if he hadn't been so wrapped up in his anxiety he would have known her longer. They'd been in school together for years before getting together, but now Jai felt like he knew her more than even some of the friends he had from his first year. Every moment that they spent together revealed so much about her, and even about himself. So he knew that she struggled with intimacy and trust, that she had high expectations for herself. Like Jai, she had certain rules and standards for how she was meant to be and that got in her way sometimes.

Seeing this in her helped Jai begin to understand why this might have happened. Maybe she, like him, thought this was too good to be true. Jai believed that he was destined to mess things up, that nothing good could last. He looked back at her when she said she felt terrible. "So what do we do?" he asked her. He wasn't sure, even though he knew what normally happened in this scenario. That wasn't really what he wanted.

It was hard for her to look at him.  She felt ashamed and embarrassed by her behavior.  She hurt him for no reason, she didn’t even really know why it happened.  In the moment she’d just been thinking about how she was dancing and there was music and it felt good to just be nobody in a big crowd of people.  She didn’t have to be Head Girl candidate, she didn’t have to be straight O student, she didn’t have to be the best girlfriend in the world (who couldn’t hold a candle to her boyfriend) – she was just a girl who was dancing with a boy. 

Then, she remembered who she was.  She remembered that she took pride in herself and the things she could claim as her accomplishments and experiences.  And Jai was a person – a person with feelings who was nicer than her – and more sensitive than her.  He didn’t deserve this. 

He asked her what they should do and Jordyn paused, her eyes slowly lifting, even if she felt the burn in her face as she tried to look at him.  “I’m so sorry,” she immediately looked down again and sniffed, trying to get rid of the stinging in her eyes.  “I’m so sorry,” she repeated, lengthening the ‘so.’  When she blinked, a couple of tears ticked out, plopping rather unnecessarily onto the table.  “I don’t blame you…” she muttered, “if you’re too angry… or can’t trust me…” Jordyn lifted her hand off the table and rubbed the underside of her eye on the soft glove. "I wouldn't."