Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Dear Uncle Archer,

I am in desperate need of your advice. The last three weeks have been the most abysmal of my life. And as if my studies and grades were not already in grave danger, they are in even more danger now. I have been so distracted and sad that I can barely keep up. Which is very bad. After I have worked so very hard to study and get better grades this school year.

Please tell me-

1) How to get my boyfriend back.

2) How to get over a breakup if he won't have me back.


Love,
Winnie

Attached to the letter, being carried by an owl is a small box filled with candy and a stuffed rabbit that grows four times its size when it comes out of the box.  Archer has been informed by several sources these things are standard and appreciated during a young, teenage heart break.

Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Winnie Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winnie,

I’m sorry you are feeling bad, Winnie.  You know I don’t like when my favorite niece is upset, particularly when she’s wasting her time being upset of a boy.  Fortunately, you are only in Hogwarts, it is not the end of the world.  Relationships end and start all of the time. 

I can give you a couple of pieces of advice:

1)   Don’t chase him.  That’s a waste of your time and energy.  I promise you, you’ are too good for that. 

2)   Focus on school.

3)   Did I mention focus on school? 

You only have a couple of weeks left to the year: don’t waste them pining over an albino werewolf. 

Your Uncle,
Archer 

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Dear Uncle Archer,

But I liked Zel so very much! He was smart, and gentle, and kind hearted, and he was just a very good boyfriend and I don't understand! It didn't even make any sense. He broke up with me on APRIL FOOL'S DAY! Who does that? Who breaks up with you on APRIL FOOL'S DAY? And he was so stupid! He told me that he was breaking up with me because he didn't want me to get hurt. But breaking up with me hurt me! It broke my heart! I HAVE A BROKEN HEART.

And candy and a fluffy bunny won't fix it. But thank you anyway.

And I'm trying to focus on school! It's just hard. Because Zel helped me with my homework a lot and I see him in the hallways and it just makes me so sad. And just because YOU have had lots of relationships doesn't mean that I was planning on it!

I WAS GOING TO MARRY HIM SOME DAY.

And now I'm going to be an old cat lady and never find love again.

-Winnie

Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Winnie Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winnie,

You’d never make it as a cat lady.  Too many litter boxes to clean, you wouldn’t want to do it.  So, you can at least be sure that won’t happen.

As for never finding love again, I know this might be hard to remember, but you are 15.  It might seem impossible but life changes dramatically once you are out of Hogwarts. 

If you’re interested in filing an auror report, I can have him thrown into Azkaban.  I’m sure there’s an archaic law about broken hearts somewhere on the books.  Should I look into it for you?  Getting someone thrown in prison is much more satisfying than being married will ever be. 

Enjoy the candy – and the bunny. 

-Uncle Archer

PS: Really, consider the Azkaban proposition.

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Dear Uncle Archer,

1) Litter boxes clean themselves if you buy the right kind. There is this thing called MAGIC. And it does magical things like CLEANING LITTER BOXES. How do you think Hogwarts deals with all the cats?

2) Fifteen is not very young. It is only two years less than being a legal adult. And lots of people marry the person they were dating when they were fifteen or in Hogwarts. Not everyone waits until they are super old and marries a bag of uptight bones instead of finding a young, homely witch with a personality.

3) I do not want to put Zel in Azkaban. He would never survive. He's too gentle for a terrible, awful place like that. Just because he broke my heart doesn't mean that I want to put him in Akzaban!!! And I am very, very, VERY hurt that you would think that someone would prefer being thrown in jail to marrying me. That is not a very supportive thing to say and you are very hateful for it and I'm telling Aunt Leola.

-Winifred

Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Winnie Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winnifred,

1)   I was trying to be supportive.  Sorry you failed to find humor in my reassurance.  If you’re that keen on becoming a cat lady, by all means, start learning the spells now.  Though, I’m sure house elves also perform the little box task with due diligence…

2)   If you’re going to quote your Aunt, you might want to fact check.  I attempted to go to the Halloween ball my seventh year with Tamis.  She poured a bowl of punch all over me.  If that story tells you anything, there’s still hope for you yet.  I also take offence that you think I’m old.

3)   That’s not what I meant!  Winnifred.  I meant that you would be much happier without him!  (And knowing he’s in prison…)   

But do not owl your aunt.  She won’t tell you anything useful and you’ll only be more upset.  Believe me.  I know.  And you’ll get a howler sent to me…

-Uncle Archer

PS: If you're looking for the litter box charm, I suggest checking out a household charms book... if you want to get practicing. 

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Uncle Archer,

You keep spelling my name wrong. It has one N, not two. You are probably doing it on purpose to be mean. Because you've been awfully mean to me the last couple of days. And I did tell on you. Because you need to learn to be nicer to your favorite niece. From now on I will just ask advice from someone else who isn't so cruel. When did you become a Slytherin? How did you ever survive in Hufflepuff?

I kind of hate you now.

-Winifred L. Oliver

P.S. I hope Aunt Leola sends you a mountain of howlers to the ministry and that they all explode at the same time and scream at you in a chorus of scolding.

Archer Radley
London, England

WiNNifred L.  Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winifred,

I survived Hufflepuff by being able to forgive ridiculousness, which is what happened when you informed your aunt of how I failed to help you in your time of need, as I think you put it, and she read to me – in a piercing scream – for my entire office to hear. 

For being such a nuisance and disrupting the work being done on several important cases, my senior auror title has been taken away and I’ve been put on suspension. 

I know that’s not what you intended, and I forgive you, of course, you’re only 15, but if you could write your Aunt and inform her it was the Minister’s order, not Tamis’ that would be useful.  They’re considering dishonorably discharging me from the corps if the howlers continue for another day.   

Your Uncle,
Archer. 

---

Obviously, this is written in jest.  Archer is a jerk sometimes.

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
Auror Office
Ministry of Magic

Dear Uncle Archer,

It serves you right. And tell Aunt Leola yourself. I'm not going to be your messenger.

-Winifred

The Office of Persepolis Zephyr
Ministry of Magic

Ms. Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Dear Ms. Oliver,

Please redirect your correspondence to Mr. Radley's place of residence.  He is no longer a ministry employee.

Calliope Grant
Secretary to the Minister of Magic

---

This note was written by Archer, but with an attempt to disguise his handwriting by writing in a more 'feminine,' scrawling script. 

It is noted Calliope Grant does not actually exist.

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
London, England

Dear Uncle Archer,

Aunt Leola says you did not really get fired and this isn't funny.

I came to you in need, genuinely upset, and needing help. And you have turned the whole thing into a joke. You really hurt my feelings. You keep reminding me I am fifteen. And I am fifteen. Which means there are a lot of things in the world that I don't know or don't understand, and that means I need help and guidance to make it through. Being a teenager is really hard. It is especially hard when you are a girl. And extra especially hard when you're a girl who doesn't have very many good qualities to rely on.

I am not particularly pretty, and I am not particularly smart, and I'm really not very good at anything at all. And it's hard to be just plain bad at everything and have nothing to offer to anyone apart from a smile and a little bit of friendship.

That's probably the real reason I got dumped. Because I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough. Not even for an albino werewolf. You stop and think about how that probably makes me feel.

If you don't want to help me or talk to me, or treat me with respect, then that's fine. But remember that YOU are thirty or forty something and really ought to know better. I am sorry for bothering you with my teenaged woes. It won't happen again. I'll just resign myself to knowing that I'll always be second best for everyone.

-Winifred

Archer Radley
London, England

Winifred Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winifred,

I was just teasing you, Winifred.  I know being a teenager isn't easy, but there are two things I know.

1) You have a lot of life left.  You are going to live far beyond being a teenager and all of this, one day, will look silly and small.  If you take yourself too seriously now you'll end up like Professor Binns and not even realize you've died. 

2) You are selling yourself short.  You have tons of great qualities.  If some albino werewolf doesn't see them then it's his problem, not yours. 

I know, from experience, that people in Hogwarts don't always see things as they should.  You'll grow, you'll find your place, and things will start to happen the way you want them to.  Even Radleys have to deal with their share of tough times before things pick up. 

I'm not good with these feeling things.  Your Uncle Hunter might be a better choice - he's the emotional one.  But, I know you're bloody fantastic, and you were too good for some gawky, werewolf anyway - and it's his loss. 

Your Uncle,
Archer

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
London, England

Uncle Archer,

I do not want to be Professor Binns. It's just hard to think about MY future like that. How come if I'm a seer I can't see my own future and know what happens? Cause that would be a lot easier than randomly having weird dreams or visions or being super good at tarot and tea leaves. Magic should work that way. Are there spells for that? Can you find them for me?

Uncle Hunter is a dummy. You told me to never take his advice ever again. Don't you remember when I asked him how to get boys to like me, and he told me if I kissed enough boys that eventually one would like me? You said that he didn't know anything and not to listen to him. And then you told me to never kiss a boy until I was like thirty.

I will try to stay positive and be okay. I'm just sad. I really liked Zel. And I am afraid no other boy will ever like me, because no other boy ever has. (Though maybe when I get older, Dax will like me! That would be the best. I miss him. Is he still gorgeous?)

I don't hate you anymore,
Winifred

Archer Radley
London, England

Winifred Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Winnie,

If I find the spells, I’ll be sure to pass them on after I use them for myself.  Even as an adult sometimes the future is hard to see.  Besides, if you’re good at tarot cards and tea leaves, there has to be something there for you to do.  Bloody hell if I’d know, but your aunt might be more interested in that sort of thing.  She was always good at divination. 

You are right about your Uncle Hunter though.  It’s a good thing you remember.  This time of year is very busy in the office and sometimes important information like how much of a dipstick he is escapes me.  Don’t listen to him. Ever.  My advice is much stronger.  Thirty is a decent age to start worrying about such things. 

Dax who?  There’s no one here by that name.  I think you’re making people up.  Imaginary boyfriends are much more practical, so for your sake: he’s very attractive with green hair and purple freckles.  He’s short though, like a goblin, so that could be a problem…

Finish out your year strong and write your aunt for advice on divination: she loves that sort of thing.   

You could never hate me for long,
Uncle Archer

Winifred L. Oliver
Hufflepuff Table
Hogwarts

Uncle Archer Radley
London, England

Uncle Archer,

I will send Aunt Leola an owl about Divination. I really do want to learn more. I figure if it's the thing I'm good at, I better make sure I am REALLY good at it- you know?

Also, goblins are gross. There is a Slytherin half-goblin who super mean to me and I mean- really- who wants to have GOBLIN kids? Yuck.

Thank you for deciding to stop being mean to me and give me some serious advice and help me.

Love,
Winifred