Today was the day. It was time to take a little inventory on what was left at Zonko's -- the key word being 'little.' Claire firmly believed that you couldn't do such things all at once. It just wasn't good for morale. One could argue that a store with no organization of its products whatsoever could be pretty bad for morale, or at least for customers -- but Claire begged to differ. Customers liked to search through a bunch of useless items before finding the one they really wanted. It was more like a treasure hunt that way.

Mondays were an especially bad day for reorganizing and counting, but Claire had postponed this chore for several weeks already. She'd heard from more than one customer that they couldn't find any Slip Gloss, which was one of her best-selling products, so it would be good to know whether she needed to make more. It was time to get down to business. Claire rolled up her sleeves and sighed. She was really going to have to do this, wasn't she?

Just in the nick of time, Claire heard the bell from the door chime from behind her. This meant that there was a customer in the store now! Claire rushed to see who it was, hoping it was someone who would need hours worth of assistance.

James ordinarily didn't visit joke shops.  His simple grey wizarding robe showed that he was not particularly flashy or fashion conscientious  even if he was wearing high quality wizard robes.  Usually, he had neither the time nor inclination for such school-boy shenanigans.  However, after that entire charlie-foxtrot, James needed something else besides burning whatever building he was in as a functional alternative.  Opening the door, he heard a bell signalling that a sucker customer had walked into the establishment.  He honestly had no idea if anything could be of use. 

As he walked up to the clerk, he took a quick glance at her and the store.  The store seemed to be lacking in inventory.  He did know better than to trust such a bait at a joke shop at all places.  As he took a quick glance at the help, he thought she was cute.  And he actually had a reason to talk to her besides just to get in her pants.  This had not happened in some time, but James seldom let an opportunity like this pass him.   

"So...you have any products that generate a large amount of heat or light?" James asked, figuring he should at least pretend to be professional before blatantly hitting on her.

The man who entered the room was not what Claire had been expecting. First of all, he was several years older than the average customer. He looked vaguely familiar, perhaps an actor or celebrity of some kind, but Claire didn't keep tabs on those things. Sometimes finding out celebrity gossip was just unavoidable. Maybe this guy was looking for something for a younger sibling. Or maybe, just maybe, there was someone older than 16 who had an affinity for gag gifts.

"So... you have any products that generate a large amount of heat or light?"

Claire looked at him without changing her expression, trying to remain as aloof as possible. The question couldn't be more vague, but Claire had to remember to have patience with the customers, even the ones who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Plus, if this guy actually was a star, maybe he could give Zonko's some of the notoriety Claire believed that it deserved. "Well, we have this," Claire said, meandering over to the table that held the distractabunnies. She picked one up and brought it over to the man. The bunny began to glow, meaning that within seconds the man would be giggly and delighted by the tiny orange creature.

James took a look at the little object.  As much as he loathed to admit it, despite his discipline in eating and practicing - the mental schools of occulmency and legillimency alluded him.  As soon as the thing glowed, games could not help but to talk like it was a cute little puppy.

"Aww -whose a good wabbit?!" James asked, not completely of his own well though his voice sounded like it.  Once James managed to stop gushing over the item though, he had a rather dark thought for that item.  Though he did not want to imitate Musgrave's actions, there was a certain amount of wisdom in not out-flying the bludger - just outfly the slowest wizard.  James could use it, though he really did not want to. 

"Potentially useful - but not what I was looking for.  I guess it would help if you knew what I was trying to do.  To make a long story short - the dementors almost caught me.  The patronus is a bit beyond my capability, but  I can tell you from first hand experience that they don't like light or heat.  I was hoping for a joke item that was a massive distraction, a large firework, something along those lines," James explained, making sure not to mention what spell he used to actually drive them off with. 

Just as she had suspected, the customer before her turned into a mushy, gushy pile of bunny-loving. Claire smirked, amused by this rather tough-looking man's babbling. He was stronger than most, though, and was able to look away from the rabbit, who abruptly stopped glowing.

"Potentially useful - but not what I was looking for.  I guess it would help if you knew what I was trying to do.  To make a long story short - the dementors almost caught me.  The patronus is a bit beyond my capability, but  I can tell you from first hand experience that they don't like light or heat.  I was hoping for a joke item that was a massive distraction, a large firework, something along those lines."

This was a problem, wasn't it? Claire had never had a run-in with dementors, and for this she was thankful. Claire really wasn't the type to handle such an encounter very well, and so she understood this guy's desire to avoid another. She pondered his question for a while, then brought over a few options.

"We have fireworks, of course," Claire explained. Zonko's was well-known for their wide assortment of fireworks and sparklers. These weren't any that Claire had personally invented, though she had altered a few to be just a little bit more explosive and fun. "But I also brought these over. They're a little girly, but I could certainly make you a more manly one," Claire said the last few words in a deep, growly voice. She held out the defenselaces, a few necklaces with intimidating-looking charms. "They're called Defenselaces, and they grow up to 50 times in size depending on the size of the threat to you." Claire held them out, gesturing for the man to take them if he wanted a closer look. "Not sure how much help they'll be with dementors... but I know from personal experience that they send jerks scurrying."

The rabbit abruptly stopped glowing, and James got an answer with respect to defenslaces.  Apparently growling was manly now or something.  James would have said something sarcastic at this point, but he was still trying to sweet-talk the girl so he did not say anything about her odd choice of emphasis.

"Not sure how much help they'll be with dementors... but I know from personal experience that they send jerks scurrying."

James sensed an opening.  Not the best one - especially given how she was dressed, but James took it regardless.  He had after all gone far further with far less.  James thought she was going for the cute angle with her choice of clothes, so he figured he should mention it, and remind her that she was a woman. 

"I can imagine a girl who is both as cute and sexy as you are would have that problem...especially since you have such a nice smile.  Still, I am not chasing off unwanted suitors though...on second thought - I shall procure one of those regardless," James thought.  It was not common, but occasionally James went home with a beautiful woman and woke up with an ugly one.  He was not sure if he could modify it to scare someone he just slept with or not, but it seemed like it would work well enough for those purposes.  Still, he needed to focus on the tasks at hand.  Getting something to help with dementors and trying to get the cute clerk in bed.  Unfortunately, James knew the first had to be handled before the second. 

"My issues with that defenslaces is that size might or might not stop them.  In all honesty - I am not sure how to test that beyond the obvious.  Could you provide a demonstration?" James asked, figuring that he would be the next victim.  James knew that he needed to see their capabilities regardless, especially if he intended to use it.  Still, he hoped the lass did not want to scare away potential customers (or him) too badly.   

There wasn't much that shocked Claire, but the guy's straightforwardness definitely surprised her. Claire wasn't the type of girl who guys normally referred to as 'cute' or 'sexy.' 'Funny' and 'cool' and occasionally 'immature,' yes, but those were the adjectives that Claire preferred. Her appearance was not something she gave much thought to. Claire raised her eyebrow at the man's comment.

Her shock must have set off something in her system, because the burp tablet that she'd been testing earlier this morning finally worked. "BLAAAAAAAP," Claire bellowed. It was a burp that rivaled those of silly teenage boys, one that Claire was honestly a little proud of. "'Scuse me," Claire said shamelessly. "You were saying?"

The man began explaining his dementor troubles and as he did this Claire gave her chest a good thump and a smaller burp escaped her lips. That should do it, Claire thought, feeling much better. "A demonstration?" Claire asked. She put one of the defenslaces around her neck and looked back at the customer. "Now, the defenslace needs to view you as my enemy, so... give me your best insult, I suppose."

The girl ripped a burp and then another small one aftwerwards.  James did not even blink at the odd or sudden change in demeanor, but he wondered if the shock was a good thing or a bad one.  She then took one of her products, and asked him to start insulting her.  Is this one of those retarded negging things that the muggleborns keep talking about? James thought to himself.  He decided to ignore that thought and go for straight quidditch diplomacy.  After all, trash talk was only slightly less competitive than quidditch.  And even then, it depended on the person.  Still, years in a professional quidditch environment had elevated James's trash talk almost to an art form.

"You know you are such an arse that I should %@!! up your face.  Too bad your mother already did it for me.  She was a failure, and so was your father's condom.  Did that send a thought across your mind?  Was it lonely?  It just completed a long and desolate journey.  At least learn from your dad's mistake and use birth control.  I guess I cannot blame you for being so pathetic, you will never be the man your mother is," James obliged, figuring that something he said there should have triggered the necklace's defenses.

At first, Claire was a little thrown off by the man's explosion. For a moment she'd nearly forgotten that she had directed him to taunt her, and he certainly had a few insults up his sleeve. She blinked at him, and the necklace did nothing. She knew why this was -- she wasn't particularly insulted by the man's explosion. Just a little surprised, was all. Her mother was quite manly, she supposed, and she certainly didn't want to think about her parents using condoms. She blanched dramatically at the thought.

"Um-- maybe more of a threat," Claire said reluctantly. This guy was an oddball for sure, not that Claire steered away from that type. She couldn't figure out what his deal was, but he did look somewhat familiar and she couldn't figure out why. "I think I was mostly grossed out," she added as explanation. She knew for a fact that the necklace worked, as there had been a few creeps who came up to her at the bar and were scared off by a rabid barking dog that sprung from her necklace.

James noticed the whitening of her face.  Apparently he had said something that got a reaction out of her, but none of it was threatening.  Either that or the device was defective.  The clerk seemed to have faith in her product though.  So she wanted a threatening insult.  It was a request that James actually experience in, but knew better than to do so in-front of witnesses.  Though he suspected it was only him and the clerk in this shop, he never knew if a recording device that might come back to bite him later.  It would not be the first time it had happened to an athlete, and James knew better than to test his luck.  Years ofd ealing with the media industry trying to spin tales where there weren't any, exaggerate tales that did happen, and instigate tales to report on had made James slightly paranoid.  James knew he had to say something in this regard.

"I keep a relatively high profile.  Not to be rude, but nothing I've said has consisted of...what's our law-witch say...threats or implications of violence against another person.  Would you mind if I cast a few privacy charms first?" James asked, figuring that he should be better safe than sorry.  The fact that he was doing this in a joke-shop was not lost on him.  But James supposed the difference between truth and fiction was that fiction had to make sense.

What was with this guy? Claire was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. She didn't even want to think about what he might have been planning to do. "Uh, I don't know if I'm okay with that, sir," she said in the friendliest way she could muster. She was pretty good at keeping her composure in stressful situations, mainly because she fancied herself invincible and believed hse could talk herself out of anything. It probably had something to do with the way that the defenselace had failed on her. Most of the time, even if she was in a bad situation, Claire was pretty oblivious to the actual danger.

 "How about I just give you this, and you keep it on you, and it's just a backup for something else?" she responded agreeably. In the back of her mind, she was plotting a way to somehow dupe this guy, if only to prove that her products were worth the money. He thought she was cute, apparently, so she twirled her finger around her hair like she saw the girls do and added, "Plus, it could remind you of me!" This would be a very, very bad time to burp, and thankfully she didn't. It was one of the few times that her digestive system cooperated with her.

As she declined her request, James noticed the shift in her tone.  He was about to reassure her when she reverted to a move that he had not seen since his time in Drumstrang.  He wondered if the constant pranking got to her.  It had been a while since he had seen a girl twirl her hair.  Usually James simply preferred to curl their toes, but this one was worrying him a bit.  He was debating whether or not he should comment the hair twirling or her sudden desire not to be threatened.  He did the best he could, but this girl was confusing him.  James just figured it was her time of the month.

"You ask me to threaten you, I do something potentially threatening and you back down.  I thought you were scared for a minute - which does not give me much faith in your product.  Then you start acting like a girl with a crush.  I honestly cannot tell if you are interested or just want to play jokes.  Look, I realize coming here was a long shot,"both for you and the product " but I actually have thought of a use for that distractabunny.  How about you just sell me that and then either join me for dinner next week or sell me that and just send me on my merry way.  I will not get offended.  My money is not nearly as valuable as my time," James stated, feeling that he had worn out his welcome.

An inherent skill that Claire wished she possessed but sadly did not was the power to raise one eyebrow. It was a great way to make dramatic faces and gestures, usually for comedic purposes. But really, this guy was pretty bizarre, and as she listened to him she became more and more disgusted with him. On the bright side, though, he was really helping her get rather close to the one-eyebrow trick. She was beginning to realize that the flirting prank she was concocting in her mind could never work. There was no way she could flirt with this guy, as she was already having trouble figuring out how disgusted her face looked.

The purpose behind the defenselace was to get rid enemies, and people who threatened you or wanted to hurt you. Claire's own defenselace, a little pitbull, had become accustomed to her personality. The people Claire didn't like went away quickly with the little guy on, and luckily she had her own on.

After the man's rambling speech, filled with criticisms and assumptions, Claire felt her defenselace beginning to tug, and she knew her little pup was ready and raring to go. What an ironic change of events this would be. If the guy kept on talking like this, the dog was going to get mighty pissed, and the little guy could grow up to 400 times its size.

And then he asked her to dinner. Claire was aghast, truly at a loss for words, and before she could even finish comprehending what the guy had just finished saying to her, the pitbull snapped off its chain necklace and grew into a very large, very intimidating, very real dog with an intensely spiked collar. And he did not look happy.

A canine?  A giant canine is what she was trying to sell me? James opinion somehow managed to drop further.  He did not think it was possible, but some people are full of surprises.  Admittedly, the canine was intimidating as far as domesticated animals went.  However, James had just gone through dementors, a desperation cast of fiendfyre, and Cinaed's beard.  The canine did not really seem all that scary in comparison.   Idly, he wondered what the hell Professor Storm was teaching if all it took was one dog to scare away most suitors.  He then wondered what caused caused the thing to finally come out.  For the nth time in this conversation, James once again jumped to the wrong conclusion.  Holding in a laugh, his lips twitched a bit.

"So...the second I offer to pay for a product or buy you dinner, the item activates?  Is it triggered by commerce or something?" James asked, somehow managing to hold in his laughter.  He was succeeding somewhat, but she could very well send him over the edge if she did something funny next. 

Claire was a pretty good judge of people when it came down to it, and she could tell that the customer was unimpressed by the item. So clearly he had a little experience with dangerous things, but he had to be snide about it too, which irked and annoyed Claire even more. The dog sensed this and began growing even larger. He still wasn't up to 400 times his original size, but he now towered over both Claire's head and the arrogant man's. Lucky thing that Zonko's had high ceilings, though it was getting to be cramped in the store.

"That's a good boy," Claire said, patting the dog's ankle. Did dogs have ankles? It didn't matter. "I would say the defenselace adapts to its owner," Claire explained. "And it begins to sense when you want people to go away." The dog let out a loud bark, which hopefully the neighboring stores wouldn't be alarmed by.