Quidditch Quagmire
By Figaro Sellaphix, Hufflepuff Sixth Year

Today Gryffindor and Slytherin's Quidditch match is the place to be.  If you are holed up studying, rethink your life choices, because all my sources tell me that tonight is going to be a blood bath.  Or at least hilarious.  The anticipation has been building and so has the trash talk.  A castle divided! The Quidditch Cup is on the line! What the hell is going to happen?!

Nick Bevans, Gryffindor and lay-about: "For Merlin's sake, Fig, Gryffindor will wipe the floor with them.  Now stop badgering me before I hex you."   Charming as always.

A second year Gryffindor called Mairead O'fearghail said: "We're gonna toss those snakes out with a pitchfork!"  She's caught the snitch before, so maybe she's not full of it.

Peyton Wentworth from Ravenclaw agrees.  "I really don't want to be rooting for the Snakes but they do have a killer team this year, then again that little Gryffie, the second year they've got playing, hasn't missed aSnitch yet, she might be just enough to give Harper a run for his galleons." 

Editor's note: Harper is a tosser.

Peyton also dished a sick burn on game-ruiner Demitria Strelnikov.  "Almasy's a great Captain and she's put together a stellar team, the snakes may have advantage with experience but it's still anyone's game. So long as Demitria keeps her head on straight "

Captain of Hufflepuff, and all around Queen of Town, Elysia Hughes provides what is probably the best, most insightful commentary of all.  Because Hufflepuff is the best.  "I don't know about deserve -- but I'm not sure Slytherin can afford another embarrassment like the last time they were paired together. They have their talents, sure, but equally large flaws. Gryffindor definitely has the upper hand."

"This could be the game of the season! This match pretty much tells us if Slytherin has a spot in the Cup. It's bound to be a viscous match. "

Well put, cap.

When I bothered Gryffindor Captain Raine Almasy for a quote, she was tight-mouthed as usual.  Not to mention having that intoxicating beauty of a warrior witch... She told me that Gryffindor is "of course" going to win.  And that Slytherin is "in the lead now, I can't say that they deserve to lose."  Tre diplomatic, girl.

But she's right.  It's going to be mad.  "In every sense of the word."

Deus Deres from Slytherin shows a surprising lack of tact and what seems like a death wish.  "I'm just hoping for a cat fight between Slant and Almasy.  They get along way too well for a proper rivalry. Three sickles says Slant can take her."

Editor's Note:  Gambling on games is against the rules.  So definitely don't find Deus under the stands before the match, and definitely don't place bets on what should be wholesome traditions.  That would be irresponsible and no amount of fun or money should deter one from proper behavior.

Before I close, I want to give a shout out to Mr. Morgan, Head of Slytherin, who has always been a supporter of student journalism.  "Piss off, Sellaphix."  Inspiring words.

See you all on the pitch.


Disclaimer: This article is the product of Figaro Sellaphix's warped sense of reality and lack of journalistic integrity. Take it with a grain of salt!


Or two.

CORRECTION

We hereby retract the part from yesterday's article about Quidditch where we wrote that Mr. Morgan told us to piss off.  Recent studies have found that he didn't actually say that because he is an upstanding member of Hogwarts staff.  We regret our hilarious miscarriage of journalism.