[January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Tags: January 18 2010 January 2010 Effie Finnigan Cooper Evans Read 218 times / 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] on June 04, 2013, 02:43:42 PM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 18th, 2010My Dearest Cooper,It is wit ha gravely heavy heart that I'm writing you today. I so wish I could be with you and the twins now, I feel utterly useless all the way in Scotland. I know I'm the absolute worst sort of friend, but please know it isn't for lack of love or trying to get away. It is agony knowing how desperately you must need someone and not being able to give that to you. Of course the selfish part of me wants to be there for my own reasons, my own grief, to hold those precious babies and forget for a little while...I miss you all so much more now - I didn't think that was actually possible. I keep looking at pictures from over Christmas and I can still hear the way she and I laughed over wine while you tried to put together the Kitten's dollhouse. I cannot fathom how we could have been so blindly happy then and now it's just gone. I know that my grief is pale compared to yours but you have to promise me something Cooper. You have to promise me you will take care of you; if not for your own sake than for hers, for the twins, for me because I can't be there to fuss over you and make sure you eat and sleep.Remember the only way out of the suffering is through it. All My Love,Effie Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #1 on June 05, 2013, 11:37:25 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 19th, 2010Effie,I think I might strangle my mother. She’s annoying as hell and won’t stop coddling over me and asking me to move out of the house. All I want is to get back to the office, to get the sod out of here and ignore it all. Effie, I can’t do this, you know that, right? I just… I can’t. Bella was everything. She was… I can’t do this.I watched her die, Eff. I-he-she was split open, and I was watching. And, Eff, if I tell you… I need you to promise… I lied. To everyone. Nobody knows. She didn’t-I didn’t-it wasn’t a random burglary. I knew him, Eff. There was nothing at all random about it. And I just… she’s dead because of me, Effie. It’s all my fault. All of it.Kat is calling for me, but I can’t get out of bed, Eff. I just want to lay here until I wake up and find out it’s all a dream. I’d cry, but I can’t –I must have ran out of tears. I just… come to visit, Eff?I need you, Eff. I can’t. Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #2 on June 05, 2013, 10:56:02 PM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 19th, 2010My Dear Cooper,I would advise against strangling your mother. She means well, we all do. Grief is such a strange thing for people. None of us really know how we'll do with it until we're in the middle of it... by then it's so messy and clouded with our own judgment and pain. She just doesn't want you to do something foolish. I know how much Bella meant to you...You haven't lost everything though, not by a long shot. I'm not saying this isn't devastating but you have children who need you. They cannot lose their mother and father in one fell swoop Cooper. You can't do that to them... you can't do that to me. We were our own little family the three of us, I need you to be okay, okay?I can't get away right now. Staff is all hands no deck for the coming weekend with the tourny... come to the event, bring the twins. It isn't ideal, I know that... but we would have a little time after. We could get supper in Hogsmeade and talk? There is so much I want to tell you but I can't put into words on paper. I know if I could just see you I could make it make sense, at least some of it.All My Love,Effie Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #3 on June 08, 2013, 12:22:48 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 19th, 2010Eff,I didn’t strangle my mother, I swear. Instead, I decided I’m going back to work tomorrow. I just can’t take all of this anymore –not only is she dead, but people are constantly around, treating me like I’m a porcelain glass that can break at any instant. It’s agonizingly annoying –and I’m fine. I’m really fine. It’s funny, but in the course of just a few hours I’ve began to feel new again. If I just focus on other stuff, nothing matters, Eff.It’s amazing, really. A few moments ago I was in such a state of depression that getting up felt impossible –but then I went about fixing hot chocolate for the twins, and just thinking about that and it’s fine. Bella isn’t… Bella is…I change my mind. I’m not fine. I need to get out of here. I need to see you, Eff. You’re the only one who knows, and who can feel what I feel. And not just treat me like something breakable.I’m strong, right? I can take this, correct? Tell me I can, because I really don’t believe it. I can’t make it to the tournament –I’m certain the job is going to consume me. And perhaps that’s best. The less I think, the better off I am. Everything is much easier to ignore, when it’s forgotten or at least not thought about. Please help me set up a date for us to get together? The kids have been asking for you constantly –when not asking for Bella. Or maybe that’s me. I’m not sure. All the voices just end up merging together after awhile.I miss you,Cooper Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #4 on June 08, 2013, 04:42:25 AM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 20th, 2010Sweet Cooper,It is so strange that the world keeps turning. People go about their lives, lessons are had and meals are eaten. The children gossip idly and the staff chatters quietly. None of them seem to know that everything has changed. I have never been good at talking, not about real things. The weather, statistics, silly facts about Crup breeding; those are my domain. I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, never say a single real thing... this though, this hollow pain in my chest, I haven't any idea how to talk about that.I will refrain from trying to talk you out of going back to work so soon. However, I wouldn't be any kind of friend - least of all the kind you deserve and need right now if I didn't share my misgivings with you. You're not in the right headspace Coop. You need to be with your babies, you need time to grieve, to make peace with the way of the world. Throwing yourself back into cases, working until you're bone tired and dead on your feet it isn't going to bring her back, and it's going to leave the twins short another parent. Bella would want me to tell you that, even if it makes you angry at me. My job isn't to keep you happy, it's to hopefully keep you sane.I've booked a room for you at one of the inns in Hogsmeade. I don't know how much time I'll have to get away but from the 22nd until the 25th the space will be on hold. After lights I should be able to make it into the village at least Friday night and possibly Saturday depending on how the task goes. We just have to keep moving forward Cooper...but not too fast. You can't slap a bandage on the place where a piece of your heart used to be and expect it to just heal. You need time and kindness.Kiss the babies for me, twice. All My Love,Effie[/quote] Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #5 on June 10, 2013, 09:05:29 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 20th, 2010I can’t help but envy you, Eff. I’m writing this late at night, filthy with the stench of alcohol, with the knowledge that tomorrow I might sport the biggest sodding hangover ever –and still, people fawn over me. I’m only half drunk, the effect of the alcohol starting to wear off, yet people still pace around, the house elf has even asked me if I’m okay about ten times in the past fifteen minutes. And I’m not fine –of course I’m not okay. But if I don’t think about not being okay, it is sometimes best. Not being able to talk about anything other than utter nothingness might be the most appreciated gift I could request at the moment.I cried at work today –because I spilt coffee on a coworker whom I ended up sharing my furry little secret with. And then I yelled at Trevelyan that I didn’t need a babysitter before letting myself fall into helping another case. But, worse of all, I lied to them all, Eff. I feel as if lying about how Bella died is almost as bad as murder –legally speaking, it’s almost as bad of a crime. But if I’d told the truth, I wouldn’t still be on the Renwick case. I need to catch him, Effie. I need to catch him and destroy him and leave him as nothing but a whimpering mess, a shadow of his self just like I am now. The only way for the world to be right again is retribution. And therefore I feel my lie is justified. Renwick killed my brother, he is the reason I am cursed, and he’s now killed my wife. The love of my life. My other half. She’s the second “other half” he’s stolen from me.I’d say he’s gone a bit too far.I’ll try to make it to Hogsmeade, but no promises. Work might keep me busy –and, honestly, I’m not sure I’m up for the hustle and bustle. Kat throw a fit today, one that ended with her blubbering something about ‘Eie’ which I’ve taken to assume lately means ‘Effie’. They miss you. I miss you. I’ll kiss them in the morning. They’re asleep now. As I should be –either I sleep the alcohol off or I’ll be a worse of a disaster tomorrow in the office.Be here,Cooper Skip to next post Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #6 on June 13, 2013, 05:35:26 AM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 20th, 2010Sweet Cooper,Not being able to talk about it doesn't make you feel it less. It just means you feel it alone, inside your own head, and there isn't anyone to look at and say "oh, you two? I thought I was the only one". Don't for a moment think that every second of every day isn't agony Coop. It is. I just don't have any other way to be right now than to keep one foot in front of the other. I can't tell you how to live your life, I can't tell you not to drink or lose yourself in cases... but this search for vengeance isn't going to lead you anywhere Cooper. It will eat away at all that was ever good in you... and then what will be left for the twins? A husk, a shadow of the man you're supposed to be. If you answer hate and violence with more hate and violence nothing beautiful can survive. Love cannot live where hate has so much power. The way you win, the way you beat him, the way you honor Bella's death is by living your life. By raising your children, and yes helping the Ministry to catch him but the only way that happens is if you'r honest about what happened that night.Please take my advice, take the hand I'm offering you out. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had to lose you too.All My Love, Effie Skip to next post
[January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] on June 04, 2013, 02:43:42 PM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 18th, 2010My Dearest Cooper,It is wit ha gravely heavy heart that I'm writing you today. I so wish I could be with you and the twins now, I feel utterly useless all the way in Scotland. I know I'm the absolute worst sort of friend, but please know it isn't for lack of love or trying to get away. It is agony knowing how desperately you must need someone and not being able to give that to you. Of course the selfish part of me wants to be there for my own reasons, my own grief, to hold those precious babies and forget for a little while...I miss you all so much more now - I didn't think that was actually possible. I keep looking at pictures from over Christmas and I can still hear the way she and I laughed over wine while you tried to put together the Kitten's dollhouse. I cannot fathom how we could have been so blindly happy then and now it's just gone. I know that my grief is pale compared to yours but you have to promise me something Cooper. You have to promise me you will take care of you; if not for your own sake than for hers, for the twins, for me because I can't be there to fuss over you and make sure you eat and sleep.Remember the only way out of the suffering is through it. All My Love,Effie Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #1 on June 05, 2013, 11:37:25 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 19th, 2010Effie,I think I might strangle my mother. She’s annoying as hell and won’t stop coddling over me and asking me to move out of the house. All I want is to get back to the office, to get the sod out of here and ignore it all. Effie, I can’t do this, you know that, right? I just… I can’t. Bella was everything. She was… I can’t do this.I watched her die, Eff. I-he-she was split open, and I was watching. And, Eff, if I tell you… I need you to promise… I lied. To everyone. Nobody knows. She didn’t-I didn’t-it wasn’t a random burglary. I knew him, Eff. There was nothing at all random about it. And I just… she’s dead because of me, Effie. It’s all my fault. All of it.Kat is calling for me, but I can’t get out of bed, Eff. I just want to lay here until I wake up and find out it’s all a dream. I’d cry, but I can’t –I must have ran out of tears. I just… come to visit, Eff?I need you, Eff. I can’t. Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #2 on June 05, 2013, 10:56:02 PM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 19th, 2010My Dear Cooper,I would advise against strangling your mother. She means well, we all do. Grief is such a strange thing for people. None of us really know how we'll do with it until we're in the middle of it... by then it's so messy and clouded with our own judgment and pain. She just doesn't want you to do something foolish. I know how much Bella meant to you...You haven't lost everything though, not by a long shot. I'm not saying this isn't devastating but you have children who need you. They cannot lose their mother and father in one fell swoop Cooper. You can't do that to them... you can't do that to me. We were our own little family the three of us, I need you to be okay, okay?I can't get away right now. Staff is all hands no deck for the coming weekend with the tourny... come to the event, bring the twins. It isn't ideal, I know that... but we would have a little time after. We could get supper in Hogsmeade and talk? There is so much I want to tell you but I can't put into words on paper. I know if I could just see you I could make it make sense, at least some of it.All My Love,Effie Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #3 on June 08, 2013, 12:22:48 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 19th, 2010Eff,I didn’t strangle my mother, I swear. Instead, I decided I’m going back to work tomorrow. I just can’t take all of this anymore –not only is she dead, but people are constantly around, treating me like I’m a porcelain glass that can break at any instant. It’s agonizingly annoying –and I’m fine. I’m really fine. It’s funny, but in the course of just a few hours I’ve began to feel new again. If I just focus on other stuff, nothing matters, Eff.It’s amazing, really. A few moments ago I was in such a state of depression that getting up felt impossible –but then I went about fixing hot chocolate for the twins, and just thinking about that and it’s fine. Bella isn’t… Bella is…I change my mind. I’m not fine. I need to get out of here. I need to see you, Eff. You’re the only one who knows, and who can feel what I feel. And not just treat me like something breakable.I’m strong, right? I can take this, correct? Tell me I can, because I really don’t believe it. I can’t make it to the tournament –I’m certain the job is going to consume me. And perhaps that’s best. The less I think, the better off I am. Everything is much easier to ignore, when it’s forgotten or at least not thought about. Please help me set up a date for us to get together? The kids have been asking for you constantly –when not asking for Bella. Or maybe that’s me. I’m not sure. All the voices just end up merging together after awhile.I miss you,Cooper Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #4 on June 08, 2013, 04:42:25 AM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 20th, 2010Sweet Cooper,It is so strange that the world keeps turning. People go about their lives, lessons are had and meals are eaten. The children gossip idly and the staff chatters quietly. None of them seem to know that everything has changed. I have never been good at talking, not about real things. The weather, statistics, silly facts about Crup breeding; those are my domain. I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, never say a single real thing... this though, this hollow pain in my chest, I haven't any idea how to talk about that.I will refrain from trying to talk you out of going back to work so soon. However, I wouldn't be any kind of friend - least of all the kind you deserve and need right now if I didn't share my misgivings with you. You're not in the right headspace Coop. You need to be with your babies, you need time to grieve, to make peace with the way of the world. Throwing yourself back into cases, working until you're bone tired and dead on your feet it isn't going to bring her back, and it's going to leave the twins short another parent. Bella would want me to tell you that, even if it makes you angry at me. My job isn't to keep you happy, it's to hopefully keep you sane.I've booked a room for you at one of the inns in Hogsmeade. I don't know how much time I'll have to get away but from the 22nd until the 25th the space will be on hold. After lights I should be able to make it into the village at least Friday night and possibly Saturday depending on how the task goes. We just have to keep moving forward Cooper...but not too fast. You can't slap a bandage on the place where a piece of your heart used to be and expect it to just heal. You need time and kindness.Kiss the babies for me, twice. All My Love,Effie[/quote] Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #5 on June 10, 2013, 09:05:29 AM Cooper EvansLondon, UKEffie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandJanuary 20th, 2010I can’t help but envy you, Eff. I’m writing this late at night, filthy with the stench of alcohol, with the knowledge that tomorrow I might sport the biggest sodding hangover ever –and still, people fawn over me. I’m only half drunk, the effect of the alcohol starting to wear off, yet people still pace around, the house elf has even asked me if I’m okay about ten times in the past fifteen minutes. And I’m not fine –of course I’m not okay. But if I don’t think about not being okay, it is sometimes best. Not being able to talk about anything other than utter nothingness might be the most appreciated gift I could request at the moment.I cried at work today –because I spilt coffee on a coworker whom I ended up sharing my furry little secret with. And then I yelled at Trevelyan that I didn’t need a babysitter before letting myself fall into helping another case. But, worse of all, I lied to them all, Eff. I feel as if lying about how Bella died is almost as bad as murder –legally speaking, it’s almost as bad of a crime. But if I’d told the truth, I wouldn’t still be on the Renwick case. I need to catch him, Effie. I need to catch him and destroy him and leave him as nothing but a whimpering mess, a shadow of his self just like I am now. The only way for the world to be right again is retribution. And therefore I feel my lie is justified. Renwick killed my brother, he is the reason I am cursed, and he’s now killed my wife. The love of my life. My other half. She’s the second “other half” he’s stolen from me.I’d say he’s gone a bit too far.I’ll try to make it to Hogsmeade, but no promises. Work might keep me busy –and, honestly, I’m not sure I’m up for the hustle and bustle. Kat throw a fit today, one that ended with her blubbering something about ‘Eie’ which I’ve taken to assume lately means ‘Effie’. They miss you. I miss you. I’ll kiss them in the morning. They’re asleep now. As I should be –either I sleep the alcohol off or I’ll be a worse of a disaster tomorrow in the office.Be here,Cooper Skip to next post
Re: [January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper] Reply #6 on June 13, 2013, 05:35:26 AM Effie FinniganHogwarts CastleScotlandCooper Evans London, UKJanuary 20th, 2010Sweet Cooper,Not being able to talk about it doesn't make you feel it less. It just means you feel it alone, inside your own head, and there isn't anyone to look at and say "oh, you two? I thought I was the only one". Don't for a moment think that every second of every day isn't agony Coop. It is. I just don't have any other way to be right now than to keep one foot in front of the other. I can't tell you how to live your life, I can't tell you not to drink or lose yourself in cases... but this search for vengeance isn't going to lead you anywhere Cooper. It will eat away at all that was ever good in you... and then what will be left for the twins? A husk, a shadow of the man you're supposed to be. If you answer hate and violence with more hate and violence nothing beautiful can survive. Love cannot live where hate has so much power. The way you win, the way you beat him, the way you honor Bella's death is by living your life. By raising your children, and yes helping the Ministry to catch him but the only way that happens is if you'r honest about what happened that night.Please take my advice, take the hand I'm offering you out. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had to lose you too.All My Love, Effie Skip to next post
[January 18th - ] Sometimes It Hurts Instead [Cooper]