January 8th

I don't seem to know what's happening, lately. Everything's gone to shit gotten difficult. Chloe and Heinrich broke up, and she was just heartbroken. I wish I could have helped more, but I'm just not good with all that...emotional stuff.

So she went to Mase for help. Which is, of course, good. They're close, and he's very good with that stuff, much better than I am, which I know because he's the one I talk to when I'm upset and he makes me feel so safe and like I'm not crazy, like I can be understood, and so I'm sure he helped her.

And obviously I'm not jealous, but it's just that I feel unpleasant at the thought of them being all cuddled up and him stroking her hair like he strokes mine, particularly because I was privy to his feelings for her, heard for years about how much he loved her...

But he kissed me, I thought it meant something. It did, I know. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't...enjoy anything anymore. I went to the Yule Ball with Mason, and he looked amazing, yet I couldn't bring myself to have a good time. It's as if there's always this cloud, hanging over me, darkening things.

I've been looking at that photo of Mom a lot more, lately. I know it's probably crazy, how I imagine what she might say and it actually makes me feel better because it's almost like she's there with me, and sometimes I think I can hear her, or feel her hand on my shoulder, which isn't possible because dumb, but it helps. But I shouldn't need a crutch.

I am not weak. Darbys do not break down, or waver, or talk to voices that aren't there. I will be strong, this is pathetic. I'm sure I'll be fine. Of course I'm fine.