Who: The bottom of the barrel, unwelcome anywhere else. Avoided by anyone who can afford to go elsewhere. Smugglers, murderers, half-breeds, Banshees, Hags, werewolves, drunkards and layabouts. Half the patrons are looking for a fight—the other half are running from one. If you’re looking for trouble, you’re in the right place.

What: A pub—not that anyone would suggest you try and eat anything they serve. Small, cramped, dingy, smoky, loud, with an enchanted fiddle and pipe that've been wheezing the same jaunt Scottish sea ballads for almost a decade. The absolute definition of a dive bar. It sits on a labyrinth of cliff caves—accessible from a door with flesh memory, so don’t try and sneak down—used for smuggling, with a few rooms upstairs. The beer tastes like horse piss, the food's worse, and the dice are weighted. Also the front for a fairly sizable small-crime operation.

Where: Crovie, Scotland—but there’s a Vanishing Door that will get you there from Knockturn Alley. You can't Apparate or Disapparate.

When: whenever you’re feeling brave enough. The Kelpie is always open. Unless Pa doesn't feel like it. Which usually means morning hours are hit-or-miss.

Why: The Kelpie’s where you go when you want your own business minded—it’s an unspoken rule, and one Pa’s good at enforcing…except that it doesn’t apply to him. Aurors and Ministry Workers are generally Not Welcome, though they’ve been known to check in, since rumors of illegal activities have swirled around the place for years (and resulted in Hadley Quigley’s arrest and incarceration). Likewise, wizards and witches too good to rub elbows with the scum often find their pockets lighter upon being shown the door. Not a place for kids, and there’s usually an Age Line in place, but they often forget to beef the spell back up, so it has weak moments. It’s not always a hotbed of criminal activity, but the food’s lousy, so why else would you come?

Beanon 'Pa' Quigley: Owner and Proprietor of the Lazy Kelpie - which is, at heart, a front for a smuggling operation. Usually found behind the bar. Not quite a mastermind criminal, but good enough he hasn't been caught since he was expelled from Hogwarts years ago and sent to Azkaban. He was released, killed a crazy drunk that wandered in at the wrong time, and used it to fake his own death with the help of some stolen polyjuice potion. He took the drunk's name, laid low for a few years, building up a network, and has been dealing in…creative crime ever since. Including serving some truly, truly awful stew at his inn. Sharp, cheap, and completely in control despite the chaos. See More

Rawc: Part-troll (assumed to be about 1/3, though no one's sure how that works out). Roughly nine feet tall, with immensely thick skin, he's prodigiously strong and extremely difficult to damage. He's also painfully, exceedingly stupid, but takes basic orders from Pa, who mostly has him haul loot and break up bar fights—he usually forgets he's supposed to stop the fight and just starts howling and banging heads together, but this usually accomplishes the intended goal anyway. He has a room in one of the caves below the Kelpie.

Hadley Quigley: Pa's daughter, who took the rap for a botched job.  A former Ravenclaw who was sentenced to Azkaban for kidnapping, murder, and extortion charges almost ten years ago - still in prison.

Deus Deres: resident charity case of the Lazy Kelpie after his criminal uncle dumped him there as a kid. Waiter and busboy in the front of the house, unofficial cursebreaker behind the scenes. he also cooks when the short-order crooks cooks bail, die, or get sent to jail. Which happens a lot.

A NEVERENDING PARADE OF "SHORT-ORDER COOKS": the crew of the Kelpie, who seem to have shorter-than-usual lifespans or a propensity for vanishing to other countries. None of them, notably, can cook.