Monday morning was a breath of fresh air compared to the other day[1], but Arcturus didn't feel like he could keep all of those emotions in for the rest of the week. This time around he could still feel the leaden weight within his chest as he clocked in for work at the hospital.

He felt slightly out of place as he headed to the third floor, even though there was nothing out of the ordinary with him or the hospital. It was nothing to be alarmed about...just a sign that he would be feeling more alienated than usual. He sighed heavily; it was not a welcome feeling on a Monday morning at work.

The weight continued to persist as he went about his morning duties. Arcturus dreaded the period of time where he would have to talk to the patients. Giving hope and care to the patients was what he enjoyed doing, but when a feeling like this was buried deep inside his chest he had to mentally struggle to keep it up.

He eventually finished the list save for one last task: to drop off a few reports he finished the night before on Joy's desk. The weight of the papers was light compared to the weight he'd been carrying as he headed to her office. He eventually became aware that he was clutching the papers to his chest as if it was the only way he could keep his heart from falling out.

Outside her office, he steadied himself and lowered the papers. The last thing he wanted to do was appear like a nervous wreck on a work day in the hospital - and in front of his superior, to boot. He knocked on the door before opening it and walking in. "Morning, Joy, here are the reports from my weekend shift. I have a couple left over, but I'll send them in before lunch. Is that okay with you?"

His hand trembled a little as he offered the papers to her. He'd need to return to his office soon and make some tea, because he could feel his facade starting to crack a little. It was a tiring job to maintain his expressionless face when he was feeling this way, but he couldn't let it fail now. Just a few more minutes.

1.	Here Lies My Memory

For Joy, the morning was business as usual. She had checked over people's scheduled shifts for the week, just to make sure there weren't any mistakes, and was now going through the records of patients who had come to the hospital over the weekend, checking listed treatments to make sure they were satisfactory and signing a variety of things that needed her signature.

The healer didn't look up at the knock. "Come in." Arcturus's voice, however, did make her look up. "Ah, good morning. Yes, of course, that's fine. Thank you for asking." Joy put her quill down and took the papers from him, though pausing as she did. "Arcturus, you're shaking."

The witch put the papers on her desk before drawing her wand, non-verbally lighting a fire in her fireplace and drawing a chair that sat across the wall towards her desk in a fluent motion. Joy's office was the only one with a fireplace, put there for quick travel of people or items, or in the case that burning something was needed.

"Sit, sit." Joy motioned to the chair. "I won't have you handling any patients if you can't keep your hands steady." Had she had tea in the room she would have offered some to him, but all the witch had was her cup of Wide-Eye Potion spiked coffee. "Now, dear, what's the matter?"

The sudden lack of weight in his hand when she took the paper unleashed another abrupt surge of tremor in the very muscles of his arm. Within seconds, Joy had already noticed. Arcturus blinked at her, caught off-guard by everything; it had just happened so fast he had no time to even realise what had happened until a minute after she asked him what was up.

He felt that he owed her an explanation, yet when he drew breath to say something it was as if his mind hit a wall. It wouldn't let him pass the zone of paranoia and uncertainty. For goodness' sake, he knew her well and trusted her. What in the world was wrong with him?

But first, he sat down. His hands were still trembling occasionally; he clasped both of them to steady his fingers. They felt cold despite the heat of the fire slowly filling the room.

"I, um...it happens sometimes, there's nothing to worry about." While the voice was definitely his, it didn't feel like he was saying it. He looked at her, directly into her eyes, as he continued, "I just need a morning cup of tea, that's all."

No, seriously. He had to tell the truth. Lying through his teeth? How very un-Hollingbury.

"I...I've had a bad day yesterday. My mood's still a bit...affected." He looked down at the floor; talking about his actual feelings while facing someone was still hard for him to do and he was still opting for the easy way. "It's just a couple of shivers, I can still handle both potions and patients. Just give it a bit of time, it'll go soon enough."

He hoped fervently that she would let him be. At the same time, something deep within him was pushing against that hope, demanding that Joy did not take his words for granted. He was so conflicted and frustrated -  not with her, but with himself, for wanting a sign that showed he could trust her with something he'd hardly ever spoken about in order to avoid ever feeling the turmoil and trouble of his emotions. And yet not just saying it.

Coward. He felt the word resonate in his head, spoken by some unknown voice in his mind that he didn't recognise. There was no comment he made, nor any objection, to oppose it - he was a coward, and ashamed of it.

Joy laughed in response to his first explanation, sliding her mug across the table. She could tell he was hiding something, and a warm beverage might help to loosen him up. "Best I can offer," the healer said nodding to the brown beverage. Anyone who looked at it wouldn't have been able to tell it was spiked with any sort of potion, as Wideye Potion was crystal-like, practically clear.

Her co-worker tried again to explain himself. It still felt like he was hiding something. Joy reached across the desk and used a finger to lift his chin so she could look him in the eyes. "Arcturus, I've been a mother for a long time." It was all she said at first, moving her hand back to her side of the desk. The comment explained itself.

The woman drew her wand again and tapped the cup, watching as the partially full cup of coffee filled to thr brim. "You've got your drink, and I've got some time." The latter part of her statement was a half-truth, but Joy always believed in carving time out to help the other healers of her floor. "If you would like, you can tell me what's on your mind."

She looked the man over before going on. "But honestly Arcturus, you and I both know you are currently in no condition to be tending to anyone." Joy relaxed in her chair and smiled at him. "Perhaps it is time you are tended to."

Arcturus looked at her with eyebrows raised, and then looked at the mug in front of him. Then he looked back up at her, and then back to the mug. Rinse, repeat for a third time. Then he curled his lips inwards in a final decision, making what was probably the oddest face he'd ever done in eleven years, and shook his head meekly. "I hope I don't sound rude, but I don't do well with coffee. Thanks for the offer, it's nice of you to do that."

His hands were still cold, and he knew it was out of anxiety. But at this point he felt that it was a now or never thing. And it was Joy. Yes, he did refer to her as his superior (mostly when she was out of earshot), but he knew her the best. What she said was right, and perhaps that was the one thing that boosted his reason to open his mouth this time instead of being a googly-eyed goldfish.

"It's not exactly easy to explain, Joy," he began slowly, picking his words carefully. "I don't talk about a lot of things, and you know that. I don't quite know where to start and stop, for example. This isn't something that's...incredibly simple to explain."

He had to try. "There are times when I feel isolated from everyone, and everything feels surreal and out of place. I feel out of place." His words came out in a very deliberate manner; it was how he dealt with explaining his emotions. One word could trigger something big - what it was he didn't know, but he was not keen on finding out too soon. "It feels like I'm on the edge of something that could possibly erupt, and I know I won't like the result whatever it is."

This sounded confusing, even to him. He tried again, this time averting his gaze from her. It was easier to talk when he pretended there was no one in the vicinity with him. "What I mean is...I feel this huge mix of emotions every day, and not all of them are good. Sometimes they build up. I let them all out once a week, but even so once a week's not enough.

"If you've ever wondered why I don't show any expression daily, it's because I'm tuning myself out to these emotions and pretending they're not there. It's not the best thing to do and I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ready to face what they can do to me." He closed his eyes. "But they occasionally make themselves be felt, and that's why I'm a bit...unsteady right now. It'll go in a while, it just...pains me for the time being."

And that was just barely scraping the surface. Right now, though, he was toeing the line that his mind felt was acceptable for what he could say now. He just felt that there was something else he could say that she could understand, and he desperately tried to think of something.

His hands were now clasped together in an effort to warm them up, although it wasn't making much of a difference. Arcturus stared at them, not wanting to look up. It was just him and the desk, and, as he stared at the swirling grain across the wood his heart meekly suggested a sentence. In the face of a lack of ideas, he accepted it.

"The listener needs a listener too." It was a bare whisper. He wasn't just toeing the line, he was leaning over it while still keeping his foot steady. It was time to pull back before he lost his balance into the realm he did not want to visit.

"Oh no, it's fine." Joy slid the cup of coffee back to her end and took a sip. The liquid helped to take the morning grogginess out of her, making her more aware of what her co-worker was saying and how she should respond. A therapist, nothing more. She was one to so many people.

She listened to Arcturus, waiting until his last remark. Her voice became soft. "Arcturus, it's not natural and it certainly isn't healthy to hold back your emotions. It just leads to...." Joy paused, not sure if she should finish the sentence. "Mental instability."

The woman opened a drawer of her desk, pulling out a blue bottle. "Calming Draught," Joy stated, putting it in front of him. "Should keep you from any emotional breakdowns." She uncapped it for him. "Drink some, I'm sure you'll feel better. Much more than tea could offer."

"But it really isn't healthy to keep everything balled up inside of you. I'm sure the potion will help you calmly state everything that's going on. You can tell it to me if you want to, or I'd be happy to give your morning shift to someone else so that you can go talk about it with a friend or another healer." Just to something with ears. "Even an animal, I'm sure your kneazle is a good listener," Joy added.

Joy glanced over what remained in the bottle, how much of it she had drunk. How many hours of sanity the potion could offer the distressed man. "If you'd really like, you can return to work. Just drink the what's left in the bottle for that." She felt wrong suggesting that co-workers drug themselves to continue work. But Arcturus seemed adamant, who was she to force him into anything?

Arcturus remained silent the whole time she was talking, his gaze affixed to the wood of the desk in front of him. He heard the soft thunk of the bottle being placed on the table, and pondered his options. Drink the potion and talk to her? Drink it and get back to work? Or just take the morning shift off?

He struck out the third option. Taking the morning shift off was not what he wanted; keeping himself busy so that he never had to focus on whatever was chattering in the back of his mind had always been his daily modus operandi. Besides, he had spoken about this to no one, not even his parents - it was hurting the relationship since he'd become a little distant, but he did not want his parents worrying about him. And talking to his kneazle? Nah. He'd rather fuss over the feline than bore him with words.

Carefully avoiding looking at Joy, he shifted his gaze to the bottle. So, drink it and keep busy? He looked down at his hands again; they were still cold and trembling slightly. The leaden weight in his heart was still present; it too felt cold despite the warmth from the fire. This did not spell out clear conditions for working.

So really, all but one option turned out to be unusable. Arcturus took a deep breath and picked up the bottle. It did have a fair amount of fluid within, but he wasn't interested in taking all of it.

Without his lips touching the rim of the bottle, he carefully let a small amount trickle into his mouth. The action made him a little nostalgic, since he had taken it three times in his student life; twice for two exams and once...for the Battle of Hogwarts. It was a deep memory, he didn't expect to recall it just by this action alone.

He kept his eyes closed as he swallowed, feeling the cool solution slip down his throat. Without looking at the desk, he replaced the bottle. In a few minutes, it would work its magic on him.

If only his problems were simple enough to magic away.

He kept his eyes closed. Eventually he could feel himself slowly relaxing as the Draught permeated his mind, soothing the conflicting emotions within him. The weight in his chest lightened a little, but he was disappointed to know that it didn't disappear completely. However, he didn't think he could ever talk about his emotions in a completely calm state of mind - as long as it was just enough to make him think coherently.

When he opened his eyes again, he felt steady enough to finally look up at her and shrug. "I would rather talk about it with you. If anything is to be done, you should at least know because I answer to you. Whether you like it or not," he added quickly.

"But I can at least explain for my behaviour over the past month or so, and I feel that I owe you that explanation the most right now. I just need to know where to begin."

Joy let him choose what he wanted, remaining silent. She sat back in her chair, eyeing him and taking sips of her coffee. He never looked at her once, which made the witch feel very out of place. Perhaps he shouldn't be here. Perhaps she should have shooed Arcturus off to his office to drink the potion and continue on with his day. Yet he stayed. And, though it took time, he talked.

Telling her because she was of a higher rank, was that an excuse or the truth? Joy had neither the courage nor interest to ask. Yet it was one of those things that gave her that itch of annoyance she never let show. "Alright, I'm all ears," was her only reply to that comment.

What he said after made her think a little. "Hmm... how about starting with a month ago, when I came over to your house. You said you were depressed, but didn't tell me why." Joy's tone was rather neutral, only hinted with curiosity. The witch took a gulp of her coffee, spreading it out over time so she only spoke when she felt ready.

"What were the events that led up to you requesting those few days off I granted you? I suppose you can go from there, and just explain from a month ago to now." Had it really been a month since going over to Arcturus's house? Yes, it certainly had. Why hadn't he approached her prior to now?

The potion would last a few hours, but Arcturus did intend to get this done. Joy had work to do. He had work to do. And yes, it was a bit stupid of him to put it off til now, but there was no time to berate himself over that.

He was speaking and thinking very calmly by now, which was a blessing. He had always imagined that talking about his emotions just the way he was would very quickly result in him being too overwhelmed by everything he wanted to talk about. "I've been having a few nightmares and flashbacks of, you know...bad times. Memories. There are some days when I don't feel like talking to people, but I force myself to because that's part of my job. Other times I don't feel there's any meaning to life, despite knowing that I am capable of saving people's lives.

"Before you say 'I'm not fit to work on days like that', I just want to add that sometimes I just come to work anyway because helping people makes me feel better. I cannot tell how severe it is until the end of my work day, when I either feel liberated and at peace for making people smile, or that I have made no difference to anything. However, I did say 'sometimes'; there are days when I don't feel like interacting with the rest of the world and I would prefer to just stay in my room and fret."

He sighed. "I know it isn't healthy, but I have my own reasons for doing this. Maybe I'm just a coward for not facing my fears and weaknesses, or my guilt or...whatever it is that haunts me. After all, I'm still stuck in a slice of the past, unable to move on when all I want to do is be myself and not be this...completely frozen mask that you know so well."

The words were like a thin, cold knife sinking into his chest. His shoulders dropped a little as he glanced off to the side. "I don't feel strong enough to deal with everything I'm bombarded with, and I'm not talking about work or other people."

His eyes turned back up to her. "And I'm sorry for not telling you. After this long, I'm just starting to learn how to trust again. It doesn't matter how well I know you or anybody else - some scars won't heal as easy as others do. And that's all I feel like saying in this place and time, because I'm certainly sure you don't want me to break down in the hospital."

It was all so vague. Almost in a passive aggressive way. He wanted to tell her, but wanted her to force him to tell her. What he said seemed convincing but empty, and left her feeling more clueless than when he had begun talking. A strange sensation, the acknowledgement that one did not know something was far worse than one simply not knowing it existed.

"Alright Arcturus. I respect that you will only tell me that much." Joy took a sip of her coffee. He was an adult, he could make decisions for himself. "But know that, while we are not among patients, you are free to have your break downs. You cannot limit yourself from your emotions because you feel it would be better for me. What you are putting me through now is far more torturous."

The healer leaned back in her chair. "You seem to want me to shake you by your shoulders and demand more information from you. Just understand I won't do that. I never have demanding information on your personal life from you and I never will. But you seem to promise me it and then only give me a sketchy idea of your mindset." Her tone was surprisingly neutral for things that could be easily yelled. "Nor are you timely of these promises."

Joy looked into the murky brown of her coffee and spoke quietly. "You're a grown man Arcturus. I don't want to feel the need to treat you a child. You can make choices for yourself of who you will tell what." She looked up at him. "Personally, I'd suggest a therapist."

"If it's memories bothering you and you don't wish to tell anyone about them, I'd suggest memory extraction. Believe it or not, you can get that a floor up in this very building. You know the process, no one looks at them. You can seal all of the horrible memories in a chest for all anyone cares."

The healer paused, her voice become slightly more flat in tone. "Point is, you're doing nothing to aid yourself and taking on too much work while you're feeling so conflicted. Wounds heal. While they may scar, if one spends all day staring in the mirror at that scar they'll get nothing done."

Joy sighed, remembering the days of the second war. The long days spent as the new Healer-in-Charge after the old one left for his muggleborn blood and never returned, the long nights spent in the woods as a deer looking at the space she knew the barrier stood between her and her husband, even now and then, when she was sure he was asleep, going and pressing her muzzle against it to make sure it still stood. The constant worry that they'd take Zoe as punishment for Edward's escape.

"I've had my hard times too. But I don't allow them to control and consume me." Had Arcturus had a hand on the table she would have placed hers on top of it. "So what would you like to do for now Arcturus? Get back to work?"

Because of his state of mind, Arcturus' first thought in response to this was She's good. He of course didn't say this out loud, but he considered his manner of speech for a few seconds. Right now the Calming Draught made him feel like his emotions had become as flat as the surface of water in a pond, so he did feel somewhat lacking in conviction when he'd spoken. Like the voice was his, but he didn't feel like it was him speaking.

As he listened to her, he increasingly felt that he had let both of them down. His eyes lowered from their previous position of looking at her. He would like very much to actually speak about what he was feeling, but he was holding himself back for fear of...a lot of things happening if he did choose to speak. Joy couldn't read his mind, and he was thankful for that, but the sudden surplus of criticism he had mentally hurled at himself as a result of the conversation had hurt his courage to speak outwardly.

At her last words, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he said carefully, "I think I'll go back to work now. It would be a good thing to keep myself busy and not focus on this conversation. It's a good way of being productive, I think. After briefly entertaining the idea of explaining my behaviour, I've instead decided that you would have had enough of it today - and besides, we're supposed to be working and this is hardly the right time now."

He got to his feet, marveling at how calm he was. The voice he was using was again hardly himself, but apart from an eye twitch he did not express his absolute frustration at how...fake he was being in front of her. "I'll take your advice into consideration and work on it. Besides, it's December. I've got other people to think of, rather than myself."

Internally, another voice - a voice that he himself felt much closer to - spoke. Of course I want you to ask. You'd know of all things I'm not acting as the person you worked with for nearly a decade. I don't want to yell in order to make my plea for help heard, but only because of my cowardice of being judged. Because of what happened that I still refuse to f

Not now.

"Thank you, Joy." He turned to go. Work called.

Joy could have said a number of things, anything, to stop him from going. It was all excuses. Excuses, excuses. "December may be the month of giving, but it's also a fine time to start thinking of a New Years Resolution. Thinking of yourself is not a form of greed, but rather a form of maintaining oneself as a person. Don't forget that."

Perhaps if she simply signed him up for memory extraction, or slipped him some Dreamless Sleeping Potion and performed it, her co-worker would come to work each day in a better mental state. No, it seemed forceful. A therapist would probably be the first step. She'd ask around the tea room.

A smile creased her lips at Arcturus's final remark. "For what? I've done nothing for you." And for once she wasn't speaking off of modesty.

She closed the door with a flick of her wand, then settled into her chair. Joy stared at the ceiling for a while. Hopefully he wouldn't come to her again with this problem. There were those made for this job, and she just wasn't one of them. Her skills were made maternally, not professionally.

The healer took in a deep breath, then let out an exasperated groan. Just one, to release any anger she may have felt. Joy sat up in her chair, took a sip of her coffee, picked up a paper, and got to work. The silence of her office was a calming music.

End of thread