So, ladies ‘n gents, is it just me or does the Green Team look more like a pride of lions this year than Gryffindor does?


Dunno if you’ve noticed (and I don’t know you couldn’t have), but one of our Houses’ teams is an arse-naked contrast to the ones years before. Known for more than its fair share of nasty, Slytherin is bloody famous for packing both kinds—the good ol’ fashioned sort and what’s been known as Monarchy style—on and off the field. Still, for years and years their team has been predominantly guys, whether by coincidence or by choice. Last year’s captain Callum Knight was known to have a few unpopular views of his own.

But this year, though, it’s a different story. This year it’s positively spilling with babes, each one of them nastier (and fitter than hell) than the first. The trick, mate, is just knowing where to start… and how finely sliced you like your bollocks handed to you.

And blimey, how finely sliced they’d be.

Steamin’ hot from Hecate’s cauldron themselves, I’m chuffed to start off with Demitria Strelnikov and Kitty Li, a Chaser’s nightmare and Beaters without sticks. Now, I guess you’re asking, what would a smooth, handsome fourth year (with bloody fantastic hair, I might add) such as myself know anything about the hottest girls from sixth year?

Well, my friend, the answer is ‘enough’. I’d say more on the subject, but seeing how my last source is probably still blubbering in the loo as we speak… I’ll let one of them speak for herself.

• CT: “Why d’ya think Harper let you ‘n Strelnikov keep yer positions...?”
  
  Kitty Li: “Because we’re the best, obviously. I’d like to see another pair have the same brute force as Strelnikov and I - the boys sure as Merlin can’t pack a punch in the same way.”
  
  CT: “So yer positive it’s not ‘cos o’... you an’ Strelnikov-? –Ow! Agh! Arghnoarghhhh-”

But seeing how that helped, I went and asked their captain a few questions, too.

• CT: “Harper, why’dja really let Li and Strelnikov keep their old positions. Really?”
  
  Erin Harper: “Because they’re bloody great players, that's why.”
  
  CT: “...Yeah huh. O-kay, if that’s th’ story yer stickin’ to...”

Next up is Waverly Roh-Ballentyne, one of the nicer links on the Slytherin food chain but still kicks arse regularly on the field. Not quite as frightening as the Terrible Two, yeah, but then again we’ve got another pair coming right up to make up for it: Gracie Slant and my own lovely, lovely peer, Naomi Foley. These girls have some of the best green eyes and hex-happy reps—bleedin’ perfect additions to a cutthroat team. And now their captain’s gone an’ armed them with bats.

Naturally, I had to get some of their Housemates’ reactions—both supportive and hilarious.

• CT: “Strelnikov, Roh-B, Slant, Foley, an’ Li. On brooms... sticks. Thoughts, mate?”
  
  Richard Plumb: “Heh. Eheheheh. You got pictures, or...?”

• CT: “So. There’s a lotta really fit girls on yer House team.”
  
  Harold Knight: “Yeah... and it’s gross. Girls should not be all muscle-ly like that. They need to be... girls. And do girl things. Like paint their nails or brush their hair.”

WelP. You heard it here, guys.

Men, I’d wet my trousers if I were you; Harper slapped down the gauntlet when he gathered Slytherin’s finest arses onto the same team. Question is, will he be able to clean up the drool the rest of us are gonna leave behind?

Hufflepuff, I’ll be holding a bucket for your tears. Cheers!