2230 hours, just outside the Forbidden Forest.


It was a clear night across the grounds. The day had been unusually cold, even for the autumn season but looking up, one could now see a low grey cloud rolling over the Scottish highlands like a slow wave. Anyone who understood the weather knew that this meant there would be a light drizzle later in the evening-- or at least Raine knew as much once she had emerged from a cover of trees.

The Gryffindor felt tiny and paltry in her caracal form, though not vulnerable. Many transformations had come and gone in the last fews week; lately, she could tread the outskirts of Forest territory with some sense of assurance in her own senses.

Which was useful considering the parlous nature of her surroundings. Raine stood at the threshold of towering trees, black-tipped ears twitching left and right fleetingly. Quiet all around but... yes.... footsteps. Near the Thestrals. Her head tilted slightly, feline gaze shifting sharply in the direction of their paddock. Odd time of the night for equine upkeep.  And those were most certainly not Hagrid's lumbering steps.

She was torn for a fleeting moment between returning to the castle or investigating- although, to be fair, there was never really a choice. Felines and their curiousity or whatnot. Lithely, Raine padded over towards the sounds she heard, slowing only once she was within sight of the fenced clearing. Her nose went up into the air, sniffing. Thestrals smelled weird. Like old, damp books and dried up mildew and... she sneezed suddenly, a quiet catlike sneeze. And rotting meat.

Not a good scent for heightened senses. Raine inched closer to the fence, not particularly afraid of being seen; her animagus form would hardly be an unusual thing to spot out here. Simply another creature. Her eyes lit up. It was Schlawkward! But of course, who else would be out here tending to Thestrals in the evening? The Ravenclaw didn't look the least out of place, surrounded by the dark and gaunt beasts. Their wings, folded up, seemed almost delicate to her discerning eyes. She moved forward, circling around the fence until she found a hole big enough to squeeze through.

And once finally on the other side, Raine was careful not to spook any of the Thestrals. She kept a distance and mreowled loudly across the enclosure to get her classmate's attention. Not that he would recognize her but she did promise to tell him about how she'd snuck into the Champion's tent last month. There was no better way of telling than showing, surely.

Since January, Sasha's fascination with the school's herd...flock of thestrals had grown steadily but it had only been since the picture had appeared on the tournament box that Sasha had spent any time around the creatures.  On several occasions since Professor Trishna had first let him in the creatures' pen, Sasha had used the box as a convenient excuse to slip in amongst them.

And, that was where Sasha found himself at the end of another long week.  October was starting to wind down; they could already feel the bite of winter trying to edge in.  In two months, the ice and snow would have chased all but the hardiest inside and the first term would be behind him.  The term continued to be unrelenting but, as of yet, Sasha hadn't resorted to dropping any classes. 

He'd made it this far; he could make it eight more weeks.

While true moments of rest were few and fleeting, Sasha had been doing his best to seize them when they did present themselves.  This Friday, much like the last few, had found Sasha here amongst the creatures. 

Sasha wasn't sure if Hagrid simply didn't know of his frequent visits with the creatures or he didn't care enough to chase the Ravenclaw away but, just to be sure, Sasha had been keeping a careful ear out for the half-giant's heavy footfalls.  He had not been listening for visitors of a smaller, more delicate nature and, as such, it was one of the thestrals closest to him that noticed the feline first.  He turned in the direction the thestral's long, leathery ears turned towards the feline the moment before it meowed. 

At him.  Unquestionably, at him.  Almost giving the impression it was ... communicating with him.  Sasha scrunched his eyes shut and rubbed them with both hands before shaking his head.  But, the weird cat was still there when he opened them, again.  "I need to sleep." 

"I need to sleep."

Raine tilted her head, ears pricking forward as she observed her fellow prefect in amusement. Schlawkward was such a muggle sometimes- yowling cats, she thought, were the least of strange things to regularly occur this close to the forest. But then again, he was standing next to a herd of grimly shaded, winged creatures.

Her tail swayed playfully as she purred, going around him in one full circle before pausing again with another littlemeow. Raine concentrated... she needed to be still for these transformations; the center of her being pulsed and began pushing outwards. It was a dull, aching push that faded with each change- and before she could register the hurt, the redhead was already subsiding into human form.

She stood in front of Sasha with a wry smile and smudges of dirt on her forehead.

"You probably do need some sleep but I think you're fine for the time being..." her smile widened slightly. Raine was not in her usual state of dress; garbed in browns and beiges with her hair tied back, from afar she might not have been recognized. Which was the point, should anyone have seen her changing from such a distance.

"I don't think that's very-"  Sasha started to caution the feline against meandering so freely amongst the thestrals.  It was a cat - of sorts.  So, he was sure it could take care of itself.  But, it was surrounded by a good sized flock of large, flying, meat eaters.  If all the tweetie birds in the world banded together to create the ultimate weapon of revenge against cats, Sasha couldn't help but think it could very well look like a thestral. 

But, he was talking - no, he was offering advice to a cat.  Perhaps, this was further evidence of the need of sleep. 

Sasha watched the cat as it circled, but kept a careful eye out on the thestrals, reaching a hand out to attempt to block the most curious looking one. 

When the creature came to a stop and started morphing and contorting, Sasha promptly turned and almost started walking towards the paddock fenceline.  He only stopped when it fully registered that Raine was standing where the cat once ... watched him.  Sasha gaped at the redhead, momentarily completely perplexed until he realized.  "You're an animagus."  There was Captain Schlawkward's greatest super power: stating the obvious.

Sasha laughed, blushing deeply when Raine remarked on Sasha's sleep comment.  "You know.  I was about to take myself to the Hospital Hut," he admitted.  "When you started..."  He gestured with his hands in a manner that vaguely resembled squeezing clay.  "That's kind of crazy, though.  How did you ... how did you figure it out?  How long have you been able to do that?"

Encouraging Sasha to doubt his mental health, while amusing, was not high on Raine's list of interesting-things-to-do but she couldn't keep from laughing at his remark on the Hospital Hut. Their school Healer would have probably prescribed him some much needed rest... or a sleeping draught that he was unlikely to use.

"Only slightly over two years now," the Gryffindor replied as she began slipping off her gloves. "My sister and I learned together." They'd had some assistance for the old Transfiguration professor but there was no reason to freely implicate the witch. Most of the time it had been only the twins, at any rate. "That's how I came to see you during the first task. Nobody ever minds a stray pet."

At least not nobody has minded yet unless one counted the Head of Slytherin. The gloves went into her back pocket and she glanced over at the closest thestral, smile fading. Merlin. They were something to look at, even when she wasn't a tiny and easily-trampled creature.

"I try not to veer too deep into the grounds when I change. The other animals can be a bit of a risk." Raine frowned as she tentatively lifted a hand to the Thestral's muzzle. It looked as wary as she felt. "I suppose you were serious about befriending them. Have you been coming out here often, Schlawkward?"

"You were a fourth year," Sasha stated, clearly impressed by this realization.  With good reason.  "I was struggling to transfigure beans my fourth year.  I know I couldn't have ever managed that," he admitted.  Especially with his mismatched wand, practical magic work had been his definite weak point.  But, Sasha was well aware of the other implications behind that statement.  That would have been the year before her sister's murder, and if they'd learned together than, he suspected, there were multiple reasons for her keeping it secret. 

Over the last year, with the help of a properly matched wand and Kronos' tutelage, Sasha's wandwork had improved considerably.  But, it was still habit to marvel at the more complex and powerful forms of magic.  "I've always heard it's really difficult.  How long was it before you knew what you both would be?  Do you, you know, get sense of it or glimpses before you figured it out?  I always figured it'd be just my luck that I'd be one of those blokes that figured it out only to discover my form was a slug.  Or earthworm.  Or, something embarrassing like a peacock." 

"How many people know?"  It hadn't been much more than a month since they'd found themselves resigning to conducting prefect rounds together.  For all he knew, this could be yet one more thing about which he was the last to know.  This time, though, it didn't feel like it'd bother him as much if that were the case.

Sasha watched as Raine reached out towards one of the thestrals, blushing slightly.  He, himself, turned towards the one closest to him and brushed a hand down the creature's thin neck.  "The tournament prize gave me a good excuse to come down here.  Since then, ... I guess.  I've been here a couple times a week since.  It's one of the quieter places - easier to find quiet.  Their remarkable."  Most of the castle's residents couldn't see the creatures and, therefore, had little incentive to come out to where they were.  Most of those that could see them tended to avoid them. 

The herd of Thestrals were quieting, less wary now from her transformation. It went against the grain to believe that beasts intertwined so intimately with Death could be spooked by the unanticipated.

Raine looked away from the one before her, hand still resting placidly against its muzzle.

"Nearly a whole year from when we began," she replied to the Ravenclaw's initial question with a frown, unaccustomed to have to recall the memory. "It was very muddled and we didn't know what we were until the other could change." Even then it had only been for a few moments. Raine smirked at the notion of being a peacock. "Not the most subtle of forms. You... I suppose you would have made a rather astute Owl."

A small jab at Sasha's sleeping habits.

"I've only shown you and Zel, really. Morgan as well but that wasn't intentional..." the redhead trailed off and looked back to her Thestral, moving closer as her hand slipped down to stroke its neck. Not so different from most equines after all. "I suppose it's safer for some people to know, should I ever go missing." Felines were known for their unfortunate curiousity.

Twice a week was terribly frequent. It wasn't unusual for bookworms not have a gaggle of friends (her own responsibilities often kept her from the social diaspora) but coming here so often wasn't normal. At least it wasn't normal for anyone who wasn't at Canterbury's degree of morbidity. Raine didn't turn back to Sasha, although her voice carried mild reproach.

"Remarkable, perhaps, but not much in the way of company. They're only animals," she wondered if the Thestral understood her at all. "All they can offer is comfort and distraction."

Nearly a whole year.  An assignment that required a full year before seeing any results . Sasha wasn't sure he had the patience for such a thing.  He needed regular feedback on his work - whether it was from himself or someone else.  He just needed to see progress.  If the year of becoming an animagus entailed one week of making a toe turn into a claw and then a nose into a muzzle, he could see himself doing it.  But, a whole year of hoping you were making progress?  Sasha didn't think he could stand the idea of waiting a year to know if you were on the right track or not. 

"An owl?"  Sasha glanced over towards Raine, noticing her slight smirk and grinned, shaking his head.  "I wouldn't want to have to eat mice.  But, I guess, you ..."  Sasha arched an eyebrow.  Did she gain her creature's urges as well as the body?  "I wonder if any animagi turn into creatures from the magical world," he wondered aloud.  He turned his attention back to the thestral closest to him.  "Your sister.  What did she turn into?"

Zel's name visibly caught Sasha's attention but, before Sasha could voice a response, he was equally surprised by the following name.  "Morgan?  As in Mr. Morgan?  The librarian?  How did he find out?" 

"Only animals?"  Sasha shook his head.  He grinned slightly.  "You should see me at home.  I'm surrounded by them.  Animals are simpler.  More honest.  Less..."  Manipulative.  Conniving.  Malicious.  Critical.  They weren't human.  "Complicated.  They don't lie or deceive or make you feel as much like an idiot."

There were not many subjects that could make Raine flustered or nervous but she had to admit, the colour reached her cheeks when Sasha implied that she might have... indulged in the occasional rodent, while taking animagus form. Luckily for her there were not many mice within the castle (Hogwarts' many pet cats saw to this) but she couldn't deny having not felt the urge to pounce on one before.

The subject took a fortunate turn and Raine felt almost relieved for once to hear someone bring up her twin sister. Caracal eating habits did not make for good conversation.

"A russet hare," she wrinkled her nose at the recollection. "It was a while before we could change together, I nearly took her ears off once." That had been a mad afternoon, poor Sanya. Nobody ought to be hunted down by their own sister- although in retrospect, they had laughed at it.

Shrugging, she shook off the memory and raised an eyebrow at Sasha. What other Morgan could it have been- the tailor? "Yes, the Librarian. He caught me prowling in the castle at night[1], unfortunately." It was good thing he'd not taken points off for that. Being a prefect had its advantages sometimes.

"They aren't all those things, are they?" Raine's expression relaxed as she listened to Sasha's praise and looked back to her Thestral, smiling at it in a gentle manner that was rarely received by human friends. "But they don't... they don't challenge you either, not in the way people do." That was one thing she had learned after her sister passed. You needed people to grow through your suffering.

The Gryffindor's hands fell to her side as she paused, suddenly frowning- she turned to her classmate. "Complicated as we are, you can't replace us," her gaze was earnest. "I mean... I hope I don't make you feel all that much of an idiot, Sasha."

Even if it was a given that she made most people feel at least a little like idiots.

1.	Nothing is Constant but Change

It wasn't often that Sasha found himself making other people blush and Sasha couldn't help but grin, slightly, when he noticed the reaction in the Gryffindor.  It was oddly satisfying in a strange sort of way.  But, in an offer of consolation, Sasha shrugged and said, "I've eaten Presssack.  Or...what's it called in English?  Head sausage?  Head cheese?"  Perhaps it wasn't the same to confessing to eating small rodents but, to the usually vegetarian, it all carried a similar distaste. 

Yes.  Sasha could see how the pairing would be difficult at first.  It sounded a bit like a peculiar version of the fox and the hound.  "Too bad she didn't turn into the rabbit of Caerbannog,[1]."   

"Isn't Maurice?"  Sasha asked, looking towards Raine and shrugging.  The cat followed the Gryffindor everywhere.  While on first appearances, Raine could seem detached and less approachable, her cat's persistent shadow seemed to hint that the Gryffindor understood.    "They accept you for who you are." 

But, no.  They didn't challenge you.  At least not in the broader sense.  Which, admittedly, was their appeal.  They were safe.  As were books.  And, Professor Trishna's classroom.  At least when Ms. Biladeau wasn't looking for him there. 

"Complicated as we are, you can't replace us.  I mean... I hope I don't make you feel all that much of an idiot, Sasha."  

"I don't know what I'm doing," he confessed, turning back to the closest thestral, tugging one of Baldur's jerky treats from his pocket and handing it to the mare.  "I feel like an idiot most of the time.  Every way I turn seems to throw up some brick wall.  I keep trying to act like I know what I'm doing but, even when I think I've got myself convinced, turns out friends are lying.  Do you ever, you know, look in the mirror and realize you have no idea who you are anymore?  Realize nothing makes sense?" 

1.	Killer Rabbit from the Holy Grail

The other Thestrals, unoccupied, moved around the paddock at a gradual and docile pace. Raine couldn't help but feel very aware of them- whenever she changed shapes, shadow instincts would remain. Alertness, wariness, hostility. It was easy enough to control and faded with time.

"Maurice..." she looked into space, considering her pet's name as Sasha brought it up and struggling to search for an appropriate analogy. Muggle analogy. "Maurice is like a plaster. He protects the injury and he makes me feel better but he isn't what's healing me." That might work.

Raine rested her forehead against the side of her equine's muzzle, feeling it move faintly and closing her eyes briefly. Creatures were so peaceful. Sometimes she wished she could stay in her animagus form and forget about being herself, forget about what it was like to have human worries and human thoughts and whatever complexities that life entailed. Sometimes she wished it was... it was all gone an--

The thought died abruptly and she leaned away slightly from the Thestral to observe Sasha. He wasn't looking her way as he spoke although she could understand why. What he was saying, it was too direct, it was like an open wound.

"I know what you mean." Raine heard herself say and her expression turned solemn. It was almost too close for comfort- she had stood before reflections before, not sure about who she was. Perhaps she was Raine Almasy, or perhaps she was supposed to compensate for what her sister had been like; perhaps she was somebody else altogether. Who knew?

"Except... you have to make a decision," she snapped out of her daze forcefully. "You have to walk around those walls or break through them. I don't think it matters if you don't know who are you are, Sasha, as long as you know what you want. Because then everything that doesn't make sense, everything between you and your goals- they become nothing but obstacles. And we know what to do with obstacles."

Raine's voice was hard and clear- harsher than the witch realized she was capable of. "You're not an idiot but you'd be acting like one if you keep going on like this." It was one of those moments where she sounded much older than sixteen.

"They say animals can have-" Like a stranded climber reaching for a safety line, Sasha's mind fixated reflexively on the safe, debatable part of the comment.  But, even as tempting as that safety net might be, he couldn't ignore what had been the two important parts of the comment.

Injuries.  It felt odd to think of them in such a way.  Whatever 'them' was.  These "injuries" weren't visible.  They weren't tangible.  You couldn't point to them and grade them on a scale of one to ten.  There was no blood.  No blister.  You couldn't encase it in plaster or take an analgesic.  If you couldn't even identify the ailment and point to it, how were you supposed to heal it?  And, if you presented a problem without identifying a concrete solution to it, you were simply complaining. 

Idle complaining had never been tolerated in the Schlagenweit household.

"Animals don't care if you're just complaining.  They aren't disappointed if you don't have everything figured out." 

Sasha finally turned away from the thestral and towards Raine.  "I don't even know what these injuries are - or even if I have a right to be trying to heal them in the first place.  These night terrors and all of this - these are consequences.  Burdens.  I'm just trying to survive.  And, not get anyone else hurt." 

Whether it was entirely subconscious or whether there had been some intention to it, Sasha wasn't entirely sure, but in that moment he was cognizant of the fact that he had been punishing himself.  Trying to fix things by focusing diligently on his studies, throwing himself at his extra lessons and striving even harder to be good enough.  It had become his personal form of repentance. 

"I don't even know what I want, anymore," Sasha admitted, crossing to the edge of the paddock and lifting himself up to perch on a post.  "Nothing makes sense anymore.  I just - the only thing I'm certain of is I want to feel safe somewhere.  And, everybody says I'm not supposed to trust the only place I do feel safe.   I'm just tired of the secrets.  Tired of the lying.  You know, I can't remember the last time I wasn't having to hide something?"

He glanced over towards Raine.  That seemed to be yet another thing they had in common - though, Raine had chosen to become an animagus.  Keenly aware of the hypocrisy, Sasha realized it had actually been something he'd had in common with Zel. 

A chilly breeze swept across the grounds, invisible fingers raking through towards the forest as Raine caught a hint of the lake's damp, almost sweet scent. It was easy to see why Schlawkward liked it here- secluded but still open. She could understand his desire for escape; the simplicity of communication with creatures, their affection or complacent indifference.

Maurice was a character of a cat but he could not hurt her the way people could. Raine stared vacantly out of the paddock, at the trees. Sasha was a lot like a wild animal (Merlin, there was a sentence she never thought to come across). He must have been hurt very badly, more than once, and it made him so weary- afraid of people, afraid of himself.

"Nobody has everything figured out, not even the disappointed ones..." she told him in a softer voice than before. "And you can't survive without hurting people Sasha. You can try to... minimize it but eventually someone will get hurt." That pain was a part of being alive seemed like a terrible, terrible fact of life.

Raine watched as the Ravenclaw pulled himself up on to one of the paddock posts- an easy feat for someone so tall. She glanced up  with a plain expression, leaning back against the gaunt body of her Thestral. Hiding something? Secrets. Looking at her friend now, it was a wonder she hadn't noticed it before; all of the work he did and the books he buried himself under. He wasn't simply hiding something, he was hiding from something.

"You can never be completely safe," Raine heard herself say. "You can only convince yourself of it, or trick yourself into it." That was all it meant to be in love or to have people you trusted. A very good trick. Only she didn't say that out loud, curiousity piqued instead by other things Sasha had said.

"I... I don't know what happened to make you like this. It sounds like you've been trying to run away from your troubles. What are you hiding, Sasha?" The tone of her voice was laced with more concern than interest. "Running away might make things seem smaller from a distance but they will catch up with you some day."

The conversation had started safely in the realm of theoreticals and, for the most part, Sasha had been comfortable with it.  By now, though, the conversation topic had dropped almost all pretenses and become unrecognizably personal and revealing.  There was no reasonable way to pull it back to the theoretical without it being blatantly obvious that he was avoiding something.  Or many somethings. 

"Nobody has everything figured out, not even the disappointed ones..."

"And, yet, they still expect you to.  Or, they expect you to be making decisions as if you do."  Whether it was as mundane as deciding his class schedule, as complicated as choosing loyalties or even as perplexing as ... well ... dating girls.  Or guys.  Or werewolves.  People were expecting decisions and actions and ... well, decisiveness. 

Sasha shook his head, glancing around, half hoping to find a professor or someone flagging him in for some important, unavoidable meeting.  But, the grounds were fairly quiet; there was nothing that would offer escape other than simply walking away.  Looking back towards Raine, Sasha shook his head.  She was making it sound petty.  Simple.  Like what worried him was not hurting people's feeling if he didn't eat their dessert.  Which happened pretty much anytime someone offered him dessert. 

"You don't understand."  They shared a considerable number of similarities that stem from having lost and lost those close to you.  But, there were also distinct differences.  "I ... do you feel at all responsible?  At all ... guilty?  You didn't get anyone killed."  He was convinced she didn't ... and couldn't get it.  It wasn't some childish need to feel tucked in and cozy at night.  But, before Sasha could really remark on that point the conversation turned from vague generalizations to direct questions and inquiries. 

"I-" Sasha started to say but then shook his head.  "I'm sorry.  I've made this mistake once before.  I am not supposed - I can't risk it getting out.  I know ... I know I can't run forever but I have no idea what I'm doing.  Or, what I'm supposed to do when it does catch up."  They'd come back around to the previous point.  Sasha didn't have a clue what he was doing ... he didn't have it all worked out.  How in the world was he supposed to sort through the mess that was chasing him when he did stop? 

There were History lessons less convoluted than trying to follow Sasha's train of thought over the course of their conversation. At times defensive, then frustrated, then defeatist. Raine was beginning to fight the urge to slap him out of it. The feeling peaked when he rather pointedly asserted that she did not understand.

"Don't be dense, of course I feel guilty," her jawline tensed as she shut her mouth and scowled up at the Ravenclaw- not angrily but earnestly. "It should have been me, or... or I might have saved her. Guilt and death- they're a rather complicit pair." The ease with which the words, like admissions, came almost startled her but she persisted in trying to reach her point. "I can't say that I completely comprehend your problems but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to try. Not all of us have expectations and even if we did, what right have we to force them on you...?"

Watching her classmate descend into his own personal hell of doubt and discontentment was, to say the least, disturbing. Raine herself only barely managed to pull herself out of mourning- and that, by the skin of her teeth. Sasha... Sasha, she somehow felt, was deeper in. He needed to be hauled out. Perhaps he hardly knew that he was drowning at all.

Raine moved away from the Thestral she had been leaning against, towards the paddock fence. She stood by it, arms folded across her chest, and looked seriously at the other prefect- trying to think of a way to phrase her concern, and her own personal vexation with his attitude.

"Look here. I won't make you tell me anything you don't want to, Sasha. Your business if your own," she bit her lower lip unconsciously. "But if you don't know what you're doing then you should let people help you, and I don't want you to brush this off in the way you always do when people say you ought to stop studying so much or loosen up with a joint of Gillyweed. Something is very wrong with your life and you can't keep stalling." Raine paused to stop from raising her voice and then met her friend in the eye. "I won't let you face your problems alone when you stop running."