Early morning, before classes


Zel had a late night, but who could blame him? Figaro had outed him as a werewolf, and he had interrogated the poor guy until Heliotrope came into the boy’s bathroom for whatever reason Helio had. It was always hard for Zel to tell what was going on in her head, and he had learned to stop questioning it. It made his brain hurt less.  Sasha hadn’t been at the dinner, so there was a change that he hadn’t heard yet. It was a slim chance—he was sure that there would be someone who couldn’t wait to tell Sasha the news. Zel could only hope that he could be the one to tell his friend first. He hadn’t even told Ligeia and Raine, but they were at the Great Hall so they already knew. An explanation wouldn’t be needed with them.

Sasha, he assumed, was either jogging at this time in the morning, or he was with the horses. Zel hoped it was the latter. With a couple shaky breaths, Zel mustered up the courage to walk to the hospital hut and to the paddocks, where the horses were kept. Over the month, he had grown more comfortable with the horses, and loved to spend time with them.  When he saw the Ravenclaw, he felt a mixture of feelings: relief, stress, anxiety, and fear. He was terrified of how his friend would react when the news was delivered, if he hadn’t heard it yet.

“Sasha.” Zel said softly, approaching the paddock. He was careful to give the other boy a good amount of personal space. “We need to talk.” He spoke without a stutter, but there was still a shakiness to his voice.

Sasha had been going out of his way to avoid crossing any of Zel's usual paths and he'd convinced himself he'd be perfectly content if Zel had done the same.  After hearing (and accepting) the cause behind the brawl in the Great Hall the evening before, Sasha had even attempted contacting the Healer her to ask to take a few mornings off from tending the horses since those chores made him a little too easy to find.  But, the Healer had been uncharacteristically difficult to get a hold of.  Sasha had expected her scarcity had been somewhat intentional.  It was the type of thing the strange old woman was prone to. 

He'd hurried as best he could without resorting to cutting corners in an attempt to head early to his first class and study in the classroom before other students arrived.  Or, return to Ravenclaw tower until class started.  Or, wherever he needed to go to avoid having to commit himself to sorting through the painful mix of emotions that churned in his gut every time he thought of Zel. 

But, he obviously hadn't hurried enough.  Despite the Hufflepuff's soft tone, Sasha jumped slightly when he heard the other boy speak.  He took an involuntary step away from Zel, subconsciously putting Gelar's tall, gold-white mottled frame between himself and the Hufflepuff.  The writhing mass of reactions continued their slow, muddled churning but it was a flash of fear that stood out most distinctly in the Ravenclaw's features as he looked in Zel's direction.  He watched the Hufflepuff, studying the taller boy's frame and features for some indication of what he'd missed.

"Did you ... did you think this was funny?" Sasha finally asked, his voice breaking slightly.  "Was this all for a laugh?"

As soon as he saw Sasha’s body language, he knew. Sasha had heard. He had heard, and he looked terrified. It brought an overwhelming feeling of shame and sadness over Zel—his shoulders slumped down, and he looked down at his feet, completely defeated. Sasha hated him. Sasha feared him. He had hurt his friend, and he immediately regretted befriending Sasha over the past month or so. The werewolf felt like he should have known that this would be the Ravenclaw’s reaction. When Sasha’s voice broke, so did Zel’s heart.

“It’s not funny at all.” Zel said quietly, "It's not for a laugh. I...Wanted to be your friend. I like you. I.." He slowed down his speech, if only to prevent his voice from cracking. “I… Hate this.” He motioned towards his own body. He realized that he didn’t really know what to say. There wasn’t much to say in this situation. All Zel could possibly do was beg for forgiveness, and maybe answer any questions that Sasha had about the situation. He’d even show the other boy the scars, but he wasn’t sure if that even would have been good for Sasha. He looked so flighty already.

He took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m so sorry, Sasha. I-is there anything I can do?” Zel would do almost anything to make amends, to keep from losing a friend. Making friends was already difficult, and he felt like it would be even more difficult to lose one.

Sasha had worked the equation through multiple times in his head.  Zel had been friends with Flickwick.  Blake, Flickwick and SAWS had long since banded Sasha as one of their prime enemies.  Zel had been turned into a werewolf over the summer.  Zel had started spending time with Sasha just after the start of the school year. 

Every time those known facts shifted through Sasha's head they seemed to lead to the same, inevitable conclusion: once the members SAWS had learned of the development, they must have thought nothing would be more amusing than to see if Sasha could fall for the new werewolf.  He didn't know if it was true, of course; Zel had said he wasn't sure if he supported SAWS' objectives.  But, perhaps him saying that had been all part of the game, too.  All part of the joke.  And, since last night, Sasha couldn't shake the image of SAWS sitting around the last two months having a right laugh over the whole affair. 

Zel's defense fell on selective ears.  All Sasha heard was the Hufflepuff's insistence that he'd wanted to be Sasha's friend.  That he liked him.  "So ... was this some sort of revenge?  Did you all run out of things to do?  Of ways to make us all uncomfortable?  What?  Was this SAWS idea?  Flickwick's?"  She'd never been fond of the idea of Fergie dating Sasha; perhaps she'd seen an opportunity to kill two proverbial birds with one stone.  "Did you all sit around, plotting how to get me to fall for you?  Was that her idea?  Or did you offer?  I'm such an idiot - I should have seen.  Was that part of the joke, too?" 

What?

Sasha was just assuming that Zel was part of SAWS. That bugged him, that really bugged him. Partially because he had been wary about SAWS from the beginning, and partially because it was members of SAWS who had caused him such stress. “Revenge?!” Zel exclaimed, absolutely shocked. “Wh-what?! You’re the one who continued to contact me, if I remember correctly.”  After the first meeting, it had been Sasha. “What have you ever done to me? Nothing. There’s no reason. Do you really think I enjoy being a werewolf?” Zel’s hands began to shake, so he put them in his pockets so that Sasha couldn’t see. “Plus, I  don’t like SAWS. I never liked SAWS. After yesterday night, I don’t think I would ever be able to support them.” He felt like he was speaking more today than ever. He hated that he needed to defend himself to someone who had been, yesterday morning, a friend.

“I—my own sister attacked me, Sasha. She attacked me because my mother withheld her wolfsbane. I’ve been contacting aurors and trying to get the situation figured out. I don’t have the time to plot revenge or mess with you!” He’d even show Sasha the letters, if that was what the other boy needed.  “I wouldn’t want to. I considered you a friend.” He hesitated, “’l’ll still consider you a friend, if you’ll let me.” His voice began to crack, and his face began to turn red. It hurt, it really hurt that Sasha could think so lowly of him. “I won’t deny that I am Sophie’s friend, but I’m sure I just ruined that too.” He had told her she was untrustworthy—and that, that was the worst thing he could have said to her in that situation.

The werewolf let out a shaky sigh, “I… I don’t see how this is a joke. It’s not a joke to me, it feels r-real. I wish it was a joke, Sasha. I wish none of this was happening, but it is. We’re going to have to learn how to work through it or…” Zel let his voice trail off. He didn’t want to think about losing a friend, but if Sasha refused to accept him… If Sasha continued to have this be totally focused on how he was feeling so victimized, then Zel couldn’t see how a friendship would work out, let alone a romantic relationship.

Sasha was startled by Zel's outburst and took another step away from the Hufflepuff.  He was trying to make sense of it all, wrap his head around what all of this meant.  For Zel.  For him.  For Zel and him.  How this fit in with everything he'd understood from before.  Nothing made sense and Sasha didn't know what to think, let alone what to say to the source of the confusion. 

"Of ... Of course not."  Amidst all the confusion, the question of whether Sasha thought Zel enjoyed being a werewolf was the easiest to find an answer for.  Sasha couldn't even begin to fathom being in Zel's shoes.  He could only hope - and do whatever he could do - to prevent ever having to find out.  With help from Kronos and Mr. Morgan, Sasha had also been working to do just that.  He'd been practicing combative spells that he could defend himself with and learning what to look out for in order to keep his distance. 

From werewolves.  Which meant, from those like Zel. 

The same werewolf he'd been feeling closer to.  Who he'd grown to rely on as a source of companionship and friendship, if not more.  Who, Sasha had the where-with-all to recognize, needed the help and support of his friends now more than ever.  Zel was asking questions.  Questions with obvious implications - like whether they were still friends.  Or, whether they could work through it.  And, Sasha was still so very confused - too confused to offer any intelligible answers that, he knew, would provide the support Zel was looking for.  A realization that brought with it a tinge of guilt that intermingled with the confusion, uncertainty and fear.

Instead, Sasha was still just trying to make sense of it.  "Your mother?  She ... had you turned?  Why?"  From that information alone, the woman sounded terrifying.  And, unqualified to be supervising werewolves.  An understatement though a solid example of why home-based safe rooms weren't sufficient. 

"I ... and ... and you sat there!  And, told me about your sister!  Why didn't-"  The question was unnecessary.  Sasha knew why Zel hadn't told him.  "I don't ... I continued to contact you because I didn't know!  You deceived me! You ... didn't you think I had a right to know?"

When Sasha mentioned Zel’s mother, the werewolf shook his head. “N-no, she didn’t intend for me to change, she was punishing my sister.” He said quietly, not trying to mask the pain in his voice. “My mother’s not… A fit parent.” Zel felt like it was putting it lightly, but he didn’t know how else to put it without sounding like he hated his mother. Part of him still loved her, but he also knew that he would never be able to forgive her for this. She had deprived Emeline of wolfsbane, and now Emeline was living with the guilt of having bitten her brother. “My mom doesn’t think right. She hasn’t ever since my father died, and. Well, I hope she’ll get sent to Azkaban for this.” Zel already had an auror working on that case, and he hoped that he would see results soon.

Zel looked down at his feet in shame, why didn’t he tell Sasha? Even though the other boy didn’t finish his question, Zel still wanted to answer it. “I didn’t tell you because… I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready.” He let out another shaky breath, “Sophie was there at the right time and.. So I told her. I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I knew. But then she helped me realize that I needed to tell my roommates. They’d realize it once I was gone for a couple full moons.” He put his hands in his pockets, before realizing that no matter where he put his hands, they were uncomfortable. They needed to be moving—so he wiggled his thumbs and tapped his hands against his thighs nervously.

“I was afraid to tell you.” Zel responded, “I didn’t want you to hate me like I sometimes hate me. And it’s just… It’s not just that I’m a werewolf, but the reason I’m a werewolf that makes it hard to talk about.” He wasn’t sure if this friendship with Sasha was going to work out—the Ravenclaw seemed to feel so betrayed, and almost fearful of Zel. “I.. I promise I won’t hurt you.” The werewolf said. “I’m not going to hurt anyone. I am going to go to the ministry every full moon, even in the summer. I am going to take—I am taking all the precautions.” Zelig knew that he couldn’t live with himself if he had injured another person during the full moon.

Now was not the time for politics.  This wasn't about politics.  Despite the fact that politics were so much safer to discuss.  The politics of werewolf regulations were dry, cold and detached.  There wasn't that emotional involvement.  He didn't have to consider where his own personal experiences - and the fear that came along with them - fit into the picture.  And, now, the painful conflicted emotions of caring for someone who triggered that fear. 

"You weren't ready to tell me, but you told Flickwick?  And, Figaro?"  Sasha face scrunched slightly and he shook his head.  It hurt to hear that and Sasha made little effort to hide that fact.  Zel had trusted Flickwick not to tell anyone.  Had trusted Sellaphix to not tell anyone, but had been afraid to tell him.  Zel claimed to not like SAWS - to not trust their stance on werewolves.  But, he'd clearly trusted them more than he'd trusted Sasha. 

"Yes, well," Sasha said, shrugging, in feigned dismissal, his voice cracking, slightly.  "You may not agree with them, but clearly you trust them more.  And, I'm sure they've told you how horrible I am - how I chased Foley out of school.  And..."  Who knew what else SAWS said behind closed doors.  "Perhaps they convinced you I wasn't worth trusting?  I suppose you're relieved I was the last to know.  I just, then, don't understand why you're here."  Sasha ducked his head and quickly rubbed his face dry with both hands. 

"I ... I don't hate you.  I don't even hate Foley, despite what everyone thinks-"  Was he being hypocritical?  Sasha hadn't yet told Zel about Foley's attack.  But, no.  It was different.  Sasha hadn't told anyone at school and he hadn't avoided telling Zel because of a lack of trust.  "I don't know what you want ... what you're expecting of me.  I'd think, given everything that's happened, you'd want to be with those you trust."  And, clearly, that wasn't him.

Zel nodded. “Sophie told me to tell Figaro—she’s… They were friends with Olivia, I thought they’d…. I thought they’d respect it.” He thought they’d respect it, but obviously they didn’t. He looked down at his feet. “I didn’t want you to th-think badly of me.” He glanced up at Sasha timidly. He wanted this friendship thing to work out, and it didn’t look like Sasha was getting mad. “I-I didn’t trust Figaro but I had to. We’re roommates. He’s not stupid, he’d notice.” Especially because he had been friends with Ollie, he’d notice. Really, he had trusted Sophie—Figaro was someone that Zel had been a bit anxious around, despite being in the same house and year.

“I-Its not that I didn’t trust you, it’s… Complicated.” He said dejectedly, knowing that the explanation was not good enough. He trusted Sasha not to tell anyone, but he was also terrified that the other boy would hate him. “I-I couldn’t even tell Raine, and she’s…” his voice trailed off. Zel considered Raine to be one of his closest friends, though he wasn’t sure that she felt the same way. She was certainly a trustworthy person, and he cared about her a great deal. “You know, she’s my friend too.” He hoped she was still his friend.

He took his hands out of his pockets and began to twiddle his thumbs. Zel couldn’t keep himself still, his heart was pounding against his chest, threatening to break through. His palms were sweating, and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing up on end. His hands were beginning to tingle, and there was a tightness in his chest that he couldn’t understand.

“I don’t care what they think of you.” Zel said stubbornly but quickly, “We didn’t talk about any of that.” In fact, he couldn’t recall a single time that he sat around and discussed Sasha with Sophie or any other member of SAWS. The only person he had talked to about Sasha was Raine, and that was nothing but positive. “I... Still want to be friends, if you want to.”

"But, you thought I was too stupid to notice?" 

The remark had slipped out before Sasha could think better of it.  He wouldn't deny thinking it, but he had not intended to say it aloud.  It had been one of those initial knee jerk responses that arose out of an unanticipated surge of emotion ... that sudden triggering of the amygdala but before the cerebral cortex had caught up.  One partly fueled by the fact that Sasha had been thinking the very same thing about himself. 

For the Ravenclaw, explaining the biology behind the response had been easier than dealing with the response itself. 

But, once thought processes caught up, Sasha knew that wasn't what Zel had been saying.  "I'm sorry," he offered, shaking his head.  "But, you just ... you don't understand.  I ... this.  I should have been able to see it.  I should have ... I shouldn't have been so stupid.  I shouldn't have let it get to here!" 

Mr. Morgan was, undoubtedly, going to give him an earful of snarky, snide, condescending chides.  He might even relay news to Kronos.  Who would deliver the same message, albeit in a much more saccharine-coated tone.  Sasha had a feeling he knew exactly what the old man would say.  Filthy little creatures, dear boy.  Can't trust them, nor would you want to.  Remember what happened the last time you lingered in the company of one.  Remember what almost happened.

Kronos had already forgiven Sasha for his first big, foolish mistake.  If Sasha ignored the warnings and something happened ... if, heaven forbid, he were bit ... Sasha didn't know what Kronos would do, but he knew the man would no longer be a source of support.  Nor did he want to think about what Kronos would do to Zel, if that happened.  Not to mention what Sasha might do, if something went wrong - or Zel accidentally triggered panic in the Ravenclaw.  Sasha had been training to protect himself against another attack.

And, how many times would Sasha cheat fate?  He'd faced werewolves twice and had gotten away without being turned.  He wasn't prone to suspicion but Sasha wasn't sure he wanted to tempt the fate of triads.  All of which were arguments that, as far as Sasha was aware, Zel remained oblivious to.

And, if Sasha didn't already care for Zel - if Sasha hadn't been feeling closer and closer to the other boy, this would be so much easier.  The answers would be much simpler. 

"I shouldn't," Sasha confessed, shaking his head, shivering slightly.  "What I want is irrelevant.  You don't understand.  But, you're right - it is complicated.  More so than you realize.  It ... I cared - I care about you, but if something goes wrong ... there'll be hell to pay." 

It was early morning, the air was crisp with the promise of winter, and Tapendra's breath puffed in front of him in small puffs of steam. He was also thoroughly awake, given his odd sleeping schedule, and had just gotten out of the lake from his morning swim. The air was brisk and bracing and all those other words that meant damned cold.

Thus, as he rounded the bend towards the Hospital Hut and the castle beyond, he had a towel around his neck and his wand in one hand, casting a drying spell on his dripping hair and beard. Under his quite sensible - if he could say so himself - jeans and sweat shirt, he wore his wetsuit. Healthy though a swim in the lake might be, by Merlin's beard is was damned cold this time of year.

The two boys by the paddock were not themselves unusual; Sasha was frequently here at this hour as well, and so Tapendra - completely obvious to the tension - wandered over with a wide, friendly grin.

"Good morning!" He said, tone full of sun, pausing when he came up and saw their expressions. He let out a good natured sort of grunt, rubbing the back of his head with his towel to stop his hair from dripping. "You two are damned dour this morning," he said. "Come on, then, what's wrong?"

He looked at his feet and shook his head, not sure what to say. The thoughts and feelings he was expericing were so confusing and jumbled up, he didn’t know how to articulate it. There were just some things that could not be expressed with words alone, and he hated how limited human languages could be. Sasha had every right to be upset, to be angry-- but Zel also felt like at the same time, he shouldn’t have to beg for acceptance from a friend. He was growing frustrated, and Zel knew he couldn’t attribute it to the approaching full moon; the next one was due on the second, which was almost two weeks away. He wondered if it was due to the general stress.

“Sasha, I--” Zel chewed on the inside of his cheek, which was becoming raw and irritated-- it didn’t take much for him to taste the metallic flavor that blood had. Mouth wounds healed quickly, though it was the last thing that the werewolf was thinking about at the moment. “I- I’m so careful, Sasha. I can’t let anyone else get bitten.” He looked up at the other boy desperately, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt anyone.”  He said sincerely, “It-- no one can blame you for not being able to see it. You’re not in my house-- I’m sure if I was a R-Ravenclaw or something, you’d know...” He chewed on the inside of his cheek some more, “And-- and my roommates were keeping it quiet.” Except Figaro, apparently.

When professor Trishna showed up, Zel jumped-- the professor was a full inch taller than Zel, and it was strange to be around someone he didn’t have to look down at. It was intimidating, but at the same time gave the albino some sense of normalcy. He intended on showing up to Astronomy, because although he enjoyed the subject-- he was horrific  at it. He coiuld not afford to miss class, even if he wanted to or needed to. He gave the professor a weak smile, “W-we’re just having a chat, professor.” Then he looked back at Sasha to finish what he was going to say--

“Don’t tell me I don’t understand, you’re not me. You don’t know what I do and do not understand.” He spoke quietly, but his voice was able to carry. “I care about you, too. So at least give me the chance to understand. Explain it to me.”

“I- I’m so careful, Sasha. I can’t let anyone else get bitten.”

If this were a debate with SAWS, it would have been easy to focus on the naive, blind optimism in that statement.  As far as Sasha could tell, that's what most werewolves said and believed.  That seemed to be SAWS basic premise: everything would be fine and rosy if everyone kept being careful.  As if simply being careless had been their mistake multiple times before.  But, clearly, being careful didn't work. 

Both of the young men standing there were evidence to that, though only one of them was currently aware of it. 

But, this wasn't a political debate.  This was personal and a close connection was at stake.  His head fell forward in conflicted uncertainty and he pinched the bridge of his nose.  He'd give anything to go back to this time, yesterday, when he'd still been blissfully oblivious.  With his eyes closed, he hadn't seen Professor Trishna's approach but, after months of camping out in the Astronomy tower, he'd grown accustomed to the man's sudden appearance.  Though not usually at this hour. 

The Astronomy professor posed a question and Zel continued with the previous conversation without answering.  Sasha glanced between the two other men, unsure whether Zel was looking to Sasha to answer the question or intentionally leaving the question unanswered. 

But, Professor Trishna was a Head of House.  He had to know what had happened.  He might have even known Zel was a werewolf before yesterday evening.  "Zel's finally getting around to telling me about being a werewolf.  Now that everyone else in the school knows.  And- and he's wanting to know why it's so complicated."  Summarized like that, it all seemed so simple.  So petty.  And, yet, it was still so complicated. 

"I can't- I won't get bit.  I can't be like you.  I'd lose everything.  And, I don't want to accidentally hurt you.  You don't understand the risks.  You say you'd be careful but - Foley tried to be careful, too.  What if something goes wrong? " 

“I don’t understand the risks?” Zel shook his head, “Of course I understand the risks. My father was killed by a werewolf. My brother and sister were nearly killed. One of them was infected.” He gave Sasha a sad look, “I was bitten because I didn’t take all the necessary precautions. I was bitten because my mother refused to take the necessary precautions. I was bitten because the ministry doesn’t see it fit to make sure that all werewolves are accounted for on the full moon.” He let out a shaky breath. “I think, I know I understand the risks. I need to understand the risks. It’s the only way I can make sure it doesn’t happen.”

His expression went from sad to resolute. Stubborn. Determined. “I would do anything to make sure I don’t hurt anyone.” He said, “I mean it.” And he did mean it-- he would do everything in his power to make sure nothing could happen to others, even if it meant hurting himself. Then something clicked. Sasha’s fear of werewolves, his strange comment about Olivia Foley-- it was starting to make sense. The Ravenclaw had been attacked before.

“Oh, Sasha.” He said tenderly, wanting to take a step closer and somehow make some sort of physical contact. But it would be unwelcome. And, in front of a professor, it’d be awkward. Zel looked at Tapendra nervously, but avoided eye contact.

“I-if she attacked you..” He said quietly, “Then she wasn’t willing to take the extra step to avoid it. Not like I am.” Olivia probably never even thought of ways she could prevent it in the event that she couldn’t have wolfsbane. “I’m not Olivia, I will never be Olivia. I’m not my sister, and I’m not reckless. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt anyone. I refuse to let the cycle continue. I-if you l-lose everything, it won't be b-because of me."

His eyebrows rose, then creased together. Well...evidently he hadn't walked into a casual morning debate. He stepped back a little bit, eyeing both boys with a combination of curiosity and worry. Their conversation was not pleasant, but they didn't seem to be arguing...

Then Sasha spoke and it was...well, pretty clear. Tapendra had been aware of the other boy's affliction, of course, but...well, he'd been under secrecy and even then, he wouldn't have told Sasha.

He took at step back, unsure of how to proceed. Sasha was friends with Zel - that much, he knew. It seemed a waste for Sasha to throw away such a friend over this - especially with Trumble's friends leaving him left and right, he was sure.

"Sasha," he said, the name spoken in obvious caution.