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Messages - Feliks Spectre


He felt something he couldn't name - maybe respect - when Professor Storm warned him against pitying werewolves. Feliks did feel bad for them but he could not picture saying that at one of Zeta Pepper's meetings. It did not feel right. If someone had said that about him, he would hate it too, so that was probably why.

            "But would you not agree that someone who cannot control themselves..."

The questions were so serious that Feliks forgot, for a moment, how cold he was and that he was in trouble for sneaking out. His brow lowered into a confused scowl. Like he was angry at this imaginary werewolf who didn't want to be locked up on a full moon.

"They should be made to be locked up!" he blurted out, upset by the scenario building in his mind. "They can't be free! They do not even remember what happens, why do they want that? It isn't fair to everyone else!"


He looked away from the view, blinking several times as his gaze adjusted from afar to the much closer sight of the professor. Why would he be afraid? Feliks shrugged - it was a given, that werewolves were scary. They were the monsters who grabbed children[1] from their sleep on cold, dark nights.

But he was not a little child. So he should not be afraid.

           “What do you know of werewolves, Spectre?”

"I know they are strong and fast and dangerous but only on a full moon," he answered, thinking of all he had learned in the copy of The Lycan that he'd duplicated. "They cannot control themselves. They will kill you because they will not even know who you are. And if they bite you then you become like them."

The boy wizard paused, wiggling his toes as they'd gone slightly numb in the cold. "Where I am from, they hunted them. For fun," he watched Storm's face with his usual brand of frankness. "But papa says werewolves are sick people."

It was hard to put those two ideas together. His father's words rang more true but he believed, for so long, that it was a great thing to be able to hunt and kill a werewolf.
 1. August 2007 - The Old Grey Wolf


He wrinkled his nose a little at the answer - because it sounded more like a lesson than an answer. But Professor Storm was old and he knew a lot of things. Maybe he was not afraid of werewolves. Feliks realised he couldn't imagine the old wizard being afraid of anything, not even werewolves.

             “Are you afraid?”

Was he? The boy looked down at his hands, frowning. Fur grew suddenly all across the back of his hands, and his nails grew long and sharp and claw-like. Feliks remembered the gloves[1] that were sent to him.

"I don't know," his hands returned to normal and he looked up through the open window again. "I don't want to be scared."

And then, more emphatically, he added: "I'm not afraid of Lucinda or Greer," as if the very idea offended his young sensibilities, "or the Headmaster."
 1. 19th Feb - O Mother Tell Your Children


He almost took a step back, catching the movement of Professor Storm's wand. Feliks stood his ground though. It had been drilled into him over the years not to flinch or express fear of punishment - if anything he was more likely to protest in anger. It wasn't like he had disrupted a class or hurt someone! Nobody would even know if he hadn't been caught.

But again, the old wizard surprised him. His eyes remained on Storm warily, and he set his jaw at the statement: the accusation of running, rife with the implications of cowardice. He wasn't running from his thoughts!

The dark gaze followed to the window and Feliks' stoic pretension broke into a genuine expression of puzzlement. He unstuck himself from the floor and moved cautiously to the opening free of barriers. In the cold air, his breath left him as a fog and his toes tingled. It didn't matter. Feliks stared out at the unobstructed view for a second.

A crescent moon. Not a full one, like in the dream. And beneath it was the world, which held as much promise and adventure as ever.

"Professor..." he was staring out so hard, trying not to blink, his eyes stung. "Are you afraid of werewolves?"


A short letter written on Spectre stationery; enclosed are two photographs. One of Feliks' four poster bed, stripped of its curtains with a vine plant growing along its frame and two white Siberian huskies dozing on the muslin duvet. The other is a photo of Feliks waving in a field of lavender flowers, Provence.

2nd July '12

Sulwen!

I am back from Provence. We went to see Uncle Sylvain for a weekend, he is visiting his old family home. It makes me think of where I used to live - there are three little wooden houses and all around them are trees and fields and beautiful animals. Papa keeps calling them that: beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, brilliant. He is very brown from the sun now. So is Uncle Sylvain but Joha father is still very white like me.

The house is clean now. I hope the photo of my room is enough proof? Can you come this week? But not Wednesday. We can go swimming in the lake and I can show you the desk.

Bath looks very pretty. I found photos of it in a book. It is a funny name for a place, no?

P.S. I am going to pierce my ears I think!

F is for Feliks

A postcard from the Isle of Sky, featuring a setting sun over the water.

4th July '12

Hello Wesley,

I am on a "day trip" with my great grandfather at a nice looking island. He is very old but he still walks fast and likes to eat. Do you know what haggis is? He loves haggis. We had a haggis pizza. It was not bad?

Your little sister must be talented. I have been practicing my skull face. I will show you. It scared our house elf! Will you come visit for my birthday? Papa says there will be a party. I am going to ask Sulwen and Nicola and Aoide and others also. It is on the 20th but the party is on the 21st.

F is for Feliks


He held his breath and braced himself, expecting either a cutting comment or a hex to be the next thing out of Storm's mouth. But no - he was being asked instead to explain. How was he going to explain? It meant having to think about why he left the dorm at all.

"Um," he looked down at his bare feet for a second, toes wiggling. "I had a nightmare. I wanted to think about but I... I don't know."

It was hard to explain. He had found the dungeons stifling and contained; if it were up to him, if there were no rules and no dangers, he would have gone walking on the grounds. Out in the open, walking and walking, thoughts rolling and rolling.

Feliks lifted his shoulders into a shrug. "I felt like I could not think, downstairs. I wanted to come upstairs and look out a window," he could hear how silly that sounded even as he said it. "I was going to go straight back to my common room afterwards."

The young wizard stopped himself, on the verge of over-explaining. Storm didn't need to know anything else. Feliks' feet were cold and his pensive mood lost to the frustration of being caught.

There was nothing he could do about it now and he wanted to get it over with.

7

Postcards from Feliks Spectre in June & July 2012

All are written in Feliks' quick, printed handwriting. He uses a dark emerald green ink and signs of on all correspondence with F is for Feliks.

A postcard from the Paris catacombs, featuring a wall of old skulls with fires flickering in their eye sockets.

23rd June '12

Wesley,

It's scary when there is one skull in a room but it isn't scary when there are two or three hundred. The catacombs are very easy to get lost in and papa said muggles get lost there all the time. Nobody finds them. An old lady on our tour told me she thinks they end up in the French department of mysteries.

People here like wearing moustaches. They don't talk soft French like Professor Onuris.

F is for Feliks

Two photographs with a letter written on the backs of both. One is a photograph of heaps of old wooden furniture in a stone cellar passageway. The other photograph is Feliks trying to take a picture of himself in the drawing room; an oblivious Balfour and Johann are in the background. Everyone is covered in dust.

26th June '12

Hello Sulwen!

My papa and Joha father showed me so many rooms under our house. We are cleaning and arranging everything, including very old family things. It is something Spectres do every year but this is the first year for our family. Will you come to visit after everything is clean again? IF everything is clean again. Poor Grizelda. She is our house elf and she does so many things (except make toast).

I have a nice desk in my room now that used to belong to my grand uncle. You will like it, there is a secret compartment and something was in it. But you will have to find out what it is when you come.

F is for Feliks

A postcard photo of a wizarding street in Milan. It is populated by fantastically dressed people, in bright shimmering colours. The words are crammed in, like he kept thinking of things to say.

29th June '12

Aoide!

I have not seen a lot yet because it is night but I have seen SO many clothes. The wixes here love clothes. My papa took us to a fashion show when we arrived, it was very interesting. Lots of people in nice robes go into a pretty house and we watch pretty model wixes in nice clothes. Then someone comes and gives us food and other someones come and ask us which clothes we liked.

Should I pierce my ears? I saw four wizards with earrings. Two French girls near me said-- nevermind. I will tell you when I see you.

F is for Feliks



Barefoot and silent, he slowly backed away from the classroom door. Feliks held his hands out behind him so that he wouldn't walk into a chair or desk and give himself away to the person in the passageway.

If they knew he was in here then they would already have burst in, right? But he was sure he could still hear footsteps out there. He glanced over his shoulder at the window - it let in the only light he could see by, from the sliver of moon in the night sky. Feliks made his way to it and looked out from the third floor at the grounds outside. It was a cold, pretty night.

He should have brought his broom with him! Then he would have gotten his view and stayed out of trouble.

Click opened the door and he turned around, already drawing breath to make excuses.

"I was ju--" Feliks stopped when he saw the unmistakeable outline of their deputy headmaster. Oh. This was so much more bad than he thought it was. His face shifted, dropping all pretence of Bobbie's identity. Storm would be able to tell, especially because Feliks hadn't taken on the whole of his housemate's looks - only enough to confuse prefects from other houses.

His stomach boiled over with a mix of frustration and guilt, and he wondered maybe if it was better to just jump out the window without a broom even.

"Um," the boy wizard stood straighter like he would in Defences class, and avoided looking his teacher in the eye. "Good evening, professor."


Past midnight. Stairwell, second and third floors.


Felix jumped off the stairwell just as it shifted off, dropping barefoot on the upper landing and quickly dashing into the closest unlit corridor. He waited there and pressed himself against the cool stone wall. How many more floors? Four? The Room of Requirement was so high up and it was difficult enough sneaking all the way up here from the dungeons.

He had woken from a strange dream. The kind that mixed together all the forests in which he ever wandered - Siberia, Edinburgh, the Forbidden Forest - in a great, shifting one. And he had been running, running away from the howling of wolves.

But in his dream, Feliks stopped running. He stopped and thought to himself that he would rather run towards the howling, that he didn't want to be afraid. And this is what had torn him from sleep, the panic of running into danger despite his fear.

The windows in the Slytherin dorms only let on to the lake, which was beautiful but also a little stifling sometimes. So he had thrown on his jeans and an oversized jumper, and borrowed some of Bobbie's pudgy features to confuse any non-Slytherin prefects who might glimpse him tonight.

Feliks wanted to see the view of the grounds from high up. It made him feel safe. He had heard about the Room of Requirement and wondered if it would have the exact room for him: a room with the perfect view.

For some reason, his dream had made him want to get out of the dungeons and do something. Usually he would sneak away into the kitchens for a hot cocoa instead.

Footsteps. He glanced in a panic down the passage and quickly made his way to the closest door, trying the handle. Locked. Feliks slipped over to the next one, which gave, and he found himself in a dark and empty classroom. His heart was thumping hard.

He strained his ears for the footsteps outside, hoping the prefect or caretaker hadn't spotted him going in.


Feliks stared at the strange woman. She was very tall, taller than any of the Sisters, and her skin white as his own. Her hair, too, though it looked finer and lighter. Was she also an Almasy? There were, he knew, Almasys who came to visit their squib children.

"You're not disturbing," he told her politely, and then held up his open scroll. "I am drawing a map."

He had read a book in The Cottage library, about map making. It would be nice to make a map, an outdoor hobby that did not require him to try and talk to the other boys and girls who were all older.

The woman came close, hands behind her back as she leaned forward to look at the map. "Ah. A clever little zaychik you are," she smiled - though the smile did not look right on her face. Feliks blushed. Nobody ever called him little rabbit.

"Are you visiting someone? At The Cottage?" he asked and put down the map, eager to talk. It was rare for him to be able to speak to strangers.

           "No," she smiled wider, as if laughing at something. "No, I am here to hunt. There is a wolf, you know. You must not wander into the woods alone."

Feliks blinked, eyes opening wider. A wolf? He heard wolves some nights but their howls came from very far away - somewhere across the wintry landscape, where the world seemed more like a fairy tale. This witch also seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

"Are you going to kill it?" he was curious, and did not move away when she sat on the edge of the stump.

            "Yes," she reached out and smoothed his hair back. "But you must still be careful. One day, if you grow big and strong, you can also hunt."

Her touch made him want to shudder, skin prickling at the back of his neck. Feliks met hunters passing through The Cottage before but they had all been wizards; grizzled, tough. None of them were like her. How could she kill a wolf? So thin, like a ballerina, and elegant?

"You're not scared?" he yawned, feeling tired for some reason.


He was thrilled - Feliks didn't really know what to do with his joy, these intense bursts of happiness that had been so rare when he was growing up in Siberia. At present he tried to sit still, grinning.

Being at home in Edinburgh meant so much to him. He relished every moment, even when papa and Johann were being silly and flirting. Feliks rolled his eyes a lot but he didn't hate that about them. Their love was a reminder that he was was accepted as a part of this family. And the love was everywhere, really. In cousins and uncles and aunts.

Even in the walls, tapestries, photographs. Feliks felt like love must be magic. It could transform places as well as people.

            "And I will be as proud to call you my son as I will be to call Balfour my husband."

He felt very grown up, shaking Johann's hand in understanding. Almost conspiratorial - because they were both born strangers to this great house and its people, and were now becoming a part of it.

"Thank you." Feliks let go, grin tempered into a happy smile. "I... I'm very pleased to be able to call you father. Um. Sometimes I think papa does not realise how... different it is here for me. But you understand."

A flutter of something anxious dawned on him all of a sudden and he looked at Johann properly. "I am sorry if I make you and papa worry."

Feliks had lied to Balfour about the medallion in his mystery package, to explosive[1] consequences, and he still felt guilty about it. Especially now that he was home and everyone was being so nice to him.
 1. 17th March - The Only Other Sound


His easy conquering of the pear tree had given Feliks a wonderful thrill, the perfect way for them to begin their foray deeper into the woods.

"Oh but where is Marcel?" he looked around the clearing for Uncle Sylvain's merle Border Collie. The professor in question glanced up, pursing his lips into a sharp whistle. There was a rustle in the undergrowth across the clearing, and the dog bounded out with ruffled fur.

They never collared him, often sending the dog ahead on the path instead. Sometimes he got distracted by little animals or birds. Feliks raised his eyes to his Herbology professor as Sylvain gestured for Marcel to lead.

"Did Uncle Sylvain say?" he fell into his usual chattery ways. "We are going to a stream to catch fish with our hands! Or with rocks anyway." There was always something fun to do in the forest.

Feliks had learned to fish as a young boy - but only with rods or nets and, one time, a roll of wire. He enjoyed it and hoped that Sylvain would one day teach him to hunt other things; like rabbit or deer.

Marcel circled the trio and  then headed down a nearby path, where the earth between the trees was slightly more worn down.


Feliks was very confused at first, sat on the rug and listening to Johann attentively.

            "Balfour will always be your papa, and I will never replace your mama...."

That did not make him any less confused - a wrinkle formed between his eyebrows. Replace his mama? What was there to replace? His mother had been a ghost all his life and now, knowing she was dead, she was simply more of a ghost. Although Feliks had many questions he wished he could ask, he never wished for her presence.

And then things got more confusing. Another father? Wasn't Johann already kind of his father?

            "What I mean is, Feliks, is that I would like to adopt you, officially," the wizard continued, "I mean, as my son... is that something you would like, too?"

Oh.

The sketchbook fell to the floor and he was on his feet in a flash, hugging Johann enthusiastically. "Yes!" he exclaimed before stepping back, suddenly shy. "I mean, yes, please," his mouth was stretched wide into a grin and his dark curls seemed bouncier than usual. "I would like that very much."

He had wondered if, after the wedding, what to call Johann. But this was even better than anything he imagined - it hadn't occurred to him that Johann could officially become his parent too.

"I can call you father?" Feliks stepped back, perching on the arm of the small armchair by the fireplace. "Does Oma know?"

His friends and housemates sometimes referred to their fathers as dad but Feliks couldn't bring himself to use that word yet; it was so casual, rolling of their tongues like an afterthought.


It was Johann! A smile lit up his face and he shifted slightly so that he was better facing the older wizard, sketchbook open on his lap.

"Yes!" Feliks answered brightly, turning the book around to hold up the sketch to Johann. "Papa showed me the cave near the lake," he pointed at the filled-in circle he was using to represent it on the map, "and some other places too. He said he wants us to go swimming in the summer."

Oh, he was dying for the summer. Hogwarts was wonderful - as was being shown around the Forest[1] by Uncle Sylvain - but Feliks wanted to explore the estate grounds in genuinely warm weather. It never got very warm where he grew up. The idea of bounding around so freely was an ecstatic one.

Imagine! And with Ivoire and Sangre and all his favourite humans too.

"And papa told me we can even travel?" he lowered the sketchbook, hopeful eyes on Johann's face. "My friends at school travel too, they go to Europe with their mamas and papas."

There were so many places he wanted to see, places he had only seen in books or, more recently, in magazines. Johann and papa were going to North America together while Feliks was at Hogwarts for his last term, and he was relieved to learn that their honeymoon didn't mean there wasn't time for them to travel in the summer also.
 1. 22nd March - Under Giant Trees


He was a nimble and cautious climber, pulling gingerly on each branch overhead before allowing it to take his full weight.

Once, when he was younger, a friend had broken their leg[1] falling from a tree. The sight of bone sticking out of flesh had been enough to drive a simple point home: if you were going to do something dangerous, you should do it well. That was what his papa said too, about handling dangerous beasts.

Feliks pulled himself up on to one of the highest branches with a huff, and shook out the twigs caught in his curls. He was sweating a little. It felt good. As he got comfortable in the slanting crook between trunk and branch, he glanced down through the busy leaves.

Professor Prewett had joined Uncle Sylvain, basket in hand.

He smiled to himself, legs swinging, and looked up to let a patch of sun fall on his face. Then he reached for the single pear just above his head and plucked it. It was round and smooth with a yellow spot indicating it wasn't ripe enough to eat. Feliks smelled the skin and breathed in deeply. The white flowers in the tree carried an earthen scent but the fruit had a sweet, fresh fragrance.

Not wanting to keep the wizards below waiting, he  slipped the pear into his pocket and began climbing down. The descent wasn't as tricky - Feliks had mentally marked out the branches strong enough to bear him.
 1. July 2009 - Summer Blows Cold

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