Absit Omen RPG

 


8 January 2010


Society for the Reformation of Hags to host BBQ; Quote “All You Can Eat Babyback Ribs” Healers warn ill health effects of having the kids for dinner.


Leaked official plans for the TetraWizard Tournament; Third Task to Be “Knitting Competition and Fashion Show.”


Presentation of A Winter’s Tale opera goes off without a hitch. Quote random attendee, “I preferred the book much better.”


Deaglan McDonough parks vardoo vardou vurdo wagon at Hogwarts Greenhouses over the winter; Hogwarts assures “this is not by accident.”


First draft Babbity-Rabbity character, a talking lion, brought to life from the written page as castle Caretaker. The Charlatan rumored to replace Charms position.


Ravenclaw Head of House crams one-third of the Hogwarts castle populace into Cambridge home over Christmas.


Write-in from Ravenclaw Student paraphrased; “gigantic rotting squishy things in the cellar abducted me from Potions corridor, smelled like onions for weeks afterwards.”


When sectioned for interview, Dept of MAC affirms “nope, no breeches of the Satuette of Secrecy will occur this holiday, muggles cont. in the dark about magic.”


Rumors of mud monster around Hogsmeade. Current theory is “mud golem running amuck.”


TOO HOT TO PRINT! Exclusive Nola & Knockturnals concert at auror trainee dormitory; Fayette Clone Troops provided background dancing.


Primrose Claggin spearheads recall on green-growed The Leaf broomsticks; complains “chaffing, tree-rot and big nasty splinters.”


Auror Office Wh. Elephant Gift Exchange; all say “pants infested with cockroaches, prev. owner Merlin” to be best gift at party. Morgana Hollingbury tasked to authenticate.


3rd F healer sets up blind date for werewolf co-worker by slipping love potion into Dept. Intl Magic. Co-op paitient’s medicine.


Rotfang Conspiracy Info! “Froglegs” releases wrong capsules (sneezing powder, not gingivitis) in muggle street. Accidents & Catastrophes left holding wrong end of rabbit.


Today's Quibs From A Squib brought to you by Ever Bashing Boomerangs. If it fails to come back to you and repeatedly knock you upside the head, we shall do so as we come to refund your money!

 
30 September 2009

FACT: Mounting nearly 80 years of service as Great Britain's premier wand supplier, Garrick Ollivander is surely the man everyone has met at least once to buy their first school wand. Ollivander is undoubtedly the expert needed for the Wand Weighing ceremony for the TetraWizard Tournament hosted at Hogwarts this year -- a competition that is being correctly administered since the first ever international contest (see FOUR THIRDS: THE HISTORICAL SNUBBING OF MAHOUTOKORO, JAPAN[1], page 2). As such a famed craftsman one would think that Ollivander would never stoop to sell an inferior product.

BUT DOES HE?

New evidence suggests that Ollivander has not been able to craft a wand of his usual superior caliber unaided since the mid 1970s. Being a wandmaker, Ollivander is aware of the kinds of injuries one can sustain during the process of crafting a wand, up to and including rheumatism, arthritis, carpel tunnel, Gargoyle Grip, mummification and Wand Hand Wiggahaddrum, debilitating conditions that limit the use of one's hands. Ollivander has them all.

"It's quite embarrassing for him, he doesn't want anyone to know," says concerned neighbor and Diagon businesswoman Madam Malkin in an interview. "When closing up my shop at night I've sometimes seen him fumbling around, hands locked in a state of rigor worse than an Inferius. I think he needs a Jelly Fingers Jinx just to bend his knuckles."

If the famed hands that have produced hundreds if not thousands of shafts of magical wood have been in a decades long state of Digilock, how come no one has noticed? As any wandmaker will tell you, the maturation of the first wand stock of a wandmaker's prime could conceivably last a century, each wand waiting for their right master. Consider the supposed twin Phoenix cores of the wands of Harry Potter and We-Are-Glad-He-Is-Dead; one was bought shortly after the brother wands were crafted in 1938, the other waited around 50 years before choosing Potter. Ollivander has been lucky to rest on his early wand stock for an indefinite length of time.

But that isn't to say Ollivander hasn't been trying to recreate his glory days. For years now Ollivander has been overseeing a band of apprentices that handle all the inner workings of his shop these days: a group of Goblins defected from Gringotts! Goblins have always wanted to know the secrets of wandlore and for the lucky Marchulck, Breegul, Snotrag, Ruttermus and Brad they have leached apartment space above Ollivander's shop, learned the craft of wandmaking and occasionally cajole with cousin Gronruck Redroots aka 'Darian Morgan' of Libertine Ltd. Ollivander's shop is now filled to the brim with goblin crafted wand prototypes and imported wands from other countries that match the old "Unicorn, Phoenix, and Heartstring Standard" our populace has come to rely on.

However, there has been an unprecedented side effect from the introduction of goblin crafted wands. The Quibbler staff Arithmancer projects of all the Ollivander's issued wands of the last three decades, up to 45% could be inferior products capable of many startling defects, magical surges and unusual behavior. Upon the discovery Ollivander attempted to sever ties with his goblin pupils and keep a lid on the defective wands but one behavior prevents that. These defective wands exhibit a shared behavior called 'Unexpected Spontaneous Evacuation Displacement.' U.S.E.D. wands without warning can spark and rocket off at such high speeds the effects are like teleporting firecrackers. Instead of waiting to choose the proper master the wands seek action themselves and have saturated the marketplace.

"We had a display of trick wands tricked out with these non-trick ticked out tricky wands," says Weasley Wizard Wheezes proprietor George Weasley, having a laugh at what he thought was a practical joke staged in his own shop. "Try saying that five times fast!"

To cover up the blunder, Ollivander has enlisted the aid of two operatives: the streetwise criminal Vespa Baldrick, charged with burglary, theft, cruelty to small cute fuzzy rodents and illegal charms on a goat (learned from briefly shacking up with former lover and Hog's Head proprietor, Aberforth Dumbledore); and current Hufflepuff Head of House Leopole Sandhusky, known as 'Loophole Leopole' by the Hogwarts Staff, a Father Christmas-looking man with his own zoo of lazy, overweight primates that nobody ever visits. Between the two Ollivander hopes to fleece out the U.S.E.D. wands, used wands, used U.S.E.D. wands and all of his mistakes of the past decades to cover his rear, recalling any wand that is pristine and often times reselling it.

Vespa handles the criminal underworld and the greater magical public, usually turning her victims into stone after taking their wands, such as Seventh Year Ravenclaw Head Girl Blues Hawk, whose wand was stolen last summer[2] and resold to a first year student.[3] In fact, Vespa has left such a shortage of wands in her wake that the grassroots organization, Witchcraft Brooders Anonymous, were left with little but potions and magical devices in their protest of recent St. Mungo's corruption, such as Healer-in-Charge Delilah Foley's use of hospital donations to build her own private luxurious spa resort.[4] When the WBA's protest went out of control[5] all spell fire was handled by a crack team of Germanic Hitwizard rejects, identified by eyewitness account from long term St. Mungo's patient Primrose Claggin. First administered to the hospital for a bite from an enchanted alarm clock, Claggin has been in the hospital all year from stacking counts of malpractice (her full story, GROSS HEALER NEGLIGENCE: LIVER TRANSFIGURED INTO LOBALUG, page 13). The protest was eventually broken up by deployment of the Auror Corps. Fayette Clone troops, the Auror offices previously subjected to wand screening for U.S.E.D. wands, from closet cleaning trainees like Britt Abraham[6] to her lover, Fayette Clone #39 (see SPONTANEOUS DUPLICATION DISEASE REVISITED! ARMY OF FAYETTE CLONES JOINS THE AUROR RANKS!, page 5). Similarly Auror Jonah Trevelyan, long time crying wolf about a 'magic removing curse from Egypt' was found to be perfectly capable of magic when he did not use a U.S.E.D. wand.[7]

Sandhusky, as Head of a Hogwarts House and Transfiguration instructor, seeks to weed out the scandalous U.S.E.D. wands at Hogwarts. Unlike Vespa his methods have been more discrete, making excuses such as meetings with the members of his House of Hufflepuff or frequently interrupting class to confiscate students' wands for further examination.[8] In fact, his behavior has prompted wand confiscation from many on the support staff, like Ms. Landis Morgan and Ms. Alistair Grey, who catch any wands Sandhusky may have missed.[9] This is not always done without struggle, for after the Wand Weighing of the First Task Ollivander had to stay to help Sandhusky pressure a student, the unfortunate Filamentous Chlorophyllisitus Patient Zero, to give up her wand.[10] What has our educational system come to when innocent first years are subjected to contagious contamination and bureaucratic bullying? (refer to our previous Issue, WEBBED FEET AND GILLS: AMPHIBIOUS HUFFLEPUFF KEYSTONE TO DECADE LONG HOGWARTS AND MINISTRY CONSPIRACY)

The Quibbler urges that Ollivander and his cronies be held responsible for their actions, although they seem to have had initially good intentions to cover up an embarrassing deterioration of the wand quality standard. Given that Ollivander may not be as effective of a wandmaker anymore, a new one should be brought in for the future Wand Weighings of the TetraWizard Tournament. Our vote is for the legendary Irish whittler Deaglan McDonough, who could not be reached for comment, his last known location showing signs of nothing but a heap of horse dung.


NEXT ISSUE: "WE ALMOST HAD IT!" THE REDISCOVERY AND THE RE-LOSING OF FLOURISH & BLOTT'S PHANTOM INVISIBILITY BOOKS.

---

“Tracking the Truth, One Wrong Turn at a Time”

1.	Mahoutokoro
2.	Take My Hand, Take My Life, Just Not The Ring!
3.	Willfully Wandless
4.	Get Something Off Your Back
5.	When Trouble Comes Knocking
6.	Broom Closet CPR
7.	At the End of the Day
8.	Transfiguration 4th Years
9.	"Book 'em Morgan!"
10.	The wand was weighed and found wanting

FACT: Hogwarts newest Headmaster, Hershey Reed, is lifting Headmistress Snark’s controversial ban on werewolf cubs attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (Recall that Headmistress Snark was eaten by an acromantula while on holiday; refer to Vol. 20-9, Issue 7, WHEN MUMMIFIED SPIDER-BEASTS AWAKEN!) Hershey Reed is a former professor, Hogwarts governor and manager of a chocolate empire that threatens to drive Honeydukes out of business (see BURNT TREACLE AND LICORICE SNAPS, HOW ONE MAN STRIVES TO BE NEXT SUGAR DUKE, page 10). When Reed is not plotting to buy out the most popular student destination on days off, he strives to assure that Hogwarts will be safe with werewolves in attendance through a system of wolfsbane, off-site lunar housing and flea killing shampoo. Few could say that Reed would overlook any student, human or creature related, that would pose a possible threat to the school in his efforts to keep Hogwarts secure.

BUT DOES HE?

Evidence has come to light of a cover-up during the ’08-’09 school year that rivals the censorship and subsequent disappearance of the late-Headmistress Snark’s collection of authentic Troll produced paintings, from her Department of Mysteries days, that prove Trolls are capable of higher intelligence and artistic expression. While Reed intends to downplay the severity of werewolf attendance to distract from his chocolatier escapades, your students could be in danger of a more veiled threat, the unknown: a half-mermish student attending the school! One Hufflepuff by the land dweller name “Heliotrope LeJean” although her given name in Mermish, incompatible to the textual format of this article, is confirmed to translate into “Frog Legs,” which will be her moniker. Records say she is the daughter of a witch living in Loch Lomond who is married to a merman.

Which, the Quibbler’s own in-law, the naturalist Rolf Scamander, suggests that the birthing of such a creature is “Fundamentally Impossible.”[1] Scamander’s argument is that humans have internal gestation and merpeople tend spawned eggs in small caverns. How does Scamander account for the student’s existence, then, if not by the parents listed in the school’s records?

“It’s important to look not only at the biology of Frog Legs,” Scamander said in an interview, “but her entire environment as presented at Hogwarts. The most telling evidence is the reaction of the late Headmistress Snark. Why would Miss Snark pull the political ploy of banning werewolf students from attending last year yet not feel it impudent to inform everyone that a one of a kind, never before conceived creature was attending the school? That is the biggest point. The whole werewolf ban was a distraction to edge Frog Legs into the school, the last of Miss Snark’s projects from her former occupation.”

Yes, dear readers! Troll produced paintings are not the only thing Hershey Reed will be inheriting from the previous head! Scamander continues. “It is obvious Frog Legs is a Homunculus specially engineered to possess human and mer characteristics. She is a cauldron baby, brought to life from a solution of polyjuice and stewed gillyweed.”

Long time readers of The Quibbler will recall that we have highlighted the projects Snark commissioned during her days as the Head of the Department of Mysteries. Her personal interest in Frog Legs and work to get her an education is rather remarkable, given that this was a woman who “locked her capacity for love behind a door and banished away the key.” However, these signs of compassion may not have been there, as shortly after her ‘birth’ Frog Legs was dumped into a loch to be trained by merpeople.

Rolf Scamander’s wife, Luna (nee Lovegood) gives her own opinions on what it must mean for Frog Legs to be raised by merpeople. “They usually keep to themselves but they can be brutal creatures. They catch Plimpies and bind up their legs for fun. Whenever I go fishing for Plimpies half the time I find a poor defenseless Plimpy strung up like a ball of yarn.” Luna concludes that if Frog Legs is treated well, perhaps Plimpy wrangling will be the only violent thing out of her.

All of this begs the question of why Frog Legs was created. What possible intent would there be to a half-mer life-form? Coded memos from the Auror office found and decoded by Quibbler staff have brought to light that Cameron “Weasel Hunter” Roiser, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, was interested in the position a full decade before he ever took office. Roiser brought up the idea of Frog Legs to Snark, and for all intentions he seems to want to use the little pseudo-mermaid as an operative to bring the Rotfang Conspiracy[2] back into the light after many years of secrecy. Using Dark Magic (from Roiser’s family) and gum disease, the Rotfang conspirators inside the MLE seek to usurp the ministry. In purloined donated copies of recent Auror case files, maps[3] labeled from a file aptly named “The Hunt for Cináed Tawse” to avoid suspicion, show that Frog Leg’s eventual purpose is to poison the water supply by planting capsules releasing the ‘Gingivitis’ gum disease in strategic water mains, wells, and reservoirs.

This could go off without a hitch, as Frog Legs lived up to expectations in her first training mission during the previous spring term,[4] where she defeated a Kelpie colt smuggled in and out of Hogwarts so easily, again covered up by the former Headmistress. Of the students present at the battle, one Tynan MacFusty and one Dilly Morris, they have been sworn to secrecy on the matter (follow their stories on SCHOOL’S OUT! ONE EYED SON OF A DRAGON HANDLER APPARATES TO LAS VEGAS FOR SUMMER VACATION!, page 8, and TEST SUBJECT FOR REVERSE AGING POTION ABLE TO ATTEND HOGWARTS AGAIN, YET OLD ENOUGH TO BUY RUMBALLS AT SUGARPLUM’S!, page 11).

The Scamanders, like many on the Quibbler staff, can only wish that Frog Legs would be freed from being a ministry pawn and may have the best life possible available to someone with her mutant abilities. Her ‘mother’ Danielle LeJean, a witch placed in Loch Lomond to monitor the upbringing of Frog Legs, does seem to honestly care for the half-breed creature more than the ministry food stamps she is paid with. Rolf warns, however, that the most inherent danger of Frog Legs may not be from her potentially aggressive mermish demeanor or secret ministry training, and in a way no one behind her creation saw coming.

“As an artificial life-form, Frog Legs is starting to show signs of degeneration and if she begins to age rapidly, may not live past 16. More importantly, her degeneration has brought about a brand new magical disease that I call ‘Filamentous Chlorophyllisitus.’ This disease is spread by close, prolonged contact with Frog Legs. Already another Hufflepuff student, a friend and roommate to Frog Legs, has been seen exhibiting the symptoms of Filamentous Chlorophyllisitus, where the infected parts of her hair turn green before all her hair falls out.”

Scamander says that to prevent the spread of Filamentous Chlorophyllisitus, students attending Hogwarts this year should rinse their hair twice daily with a solution of mooncalf milk and squid ink, and to wear dragon hide gloves before touching Frog Legs.

NEXT ISSUE: SPONTANEOUS DUPLICATION DISEASE REVISITED! ARMY OF FAYETTE CLONES JOINS THE AUROR RANKS!

---

“Tracking the Truth, One Wrong Turn at a Time”

1.	link
2.	link
3.	Never Wake a Sleeping Rattler
4.	Muckracking

31 August 2009

In a shocking discovery last Friday night, a well-known shopkeeper was discovered to be an undercover infiltrator from the Goblin clan Gibidlishnargen. One 'Darian Morgan', here on out referred to by his actual name of 'Gronruck Redroots', was photographed by our very own Quibbler staff members convening with his clan in traditional goblin garb.
 
Born a half-goblin, Gronruck quickly stood out amongst his goblin brethren. It was apparent from a young age that the heir to the goblin seat of power was a half-blood that would never truly fit into the goblin life, due to strong prejudices against anyone not purely of their race. Gronruck was pale-skinned, possessed odd hair wave patterns, and it quickly became clear that he would tower in height over his kin. Reluctantly, his goblin father decided it would be for the best if he were raised by his witch mother, and he was smuggled into their household shortly thereafter. Although his nose was surgically shortened by some of St. Mungo’s top professional healers (let it be noted that Gronruck is the 'heir' to the 'Morgan' family, known wealthy donors to St. Mungo's, no doubt why records of this revealing removal have been kept from the public), however, it is believed that the pointed ears he kept, trusting his long hair to hide them and keep suspicions away.
 
While Gronruck adapted very well to life as wizard, it was inevitable that he would, eventually, succumb to the greed of his species. Here at the Quibbler, we believe his initial fortune came from blackmailing his goblin father, who works as part of the crew that mint the Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts used in the Wizarding world. But it doesn't end there—in his insatiable grasping for more and more, we at the Quibbler have learned he plans to do the unthinkable: rig the most respected championship in the Wizarding World, the TetraWizard Tournament.

With Headmistress Analiza Snark having most unfortunately been devoured by an Acromantula (see our last issue), and no interim Headmaster or Headmistress named at the time, Gronruck turned to another Hogwarts staff member. Quibbler investigators were able to attack the owl delivering legally intercept a brief scrap of correspondence that seems to suggest Gronruck is blackmailing Astronomy professor, Tapendra Trishna (see HOOFPRINTS AT HOGWARTS: PROFESSOR RAISES ILLEGITMATE WINGED CENTAUR CHILD, page 6)[1], no doubt intending to clinch his support in sabotage and assisting whichever champion Gronruck intends to back.[2]

He was then spotted attempting to charm the Headmaster of Durmstrang, Oberon Issyberg (see DURMSTRANG IS SCARY, MAN page 3), and soon after was seen shamelessly bribing Headmistress of Beauxbatons, Victor Biscuit (see BEAUTY OR BLOODLUST: FRANCE'S VAMPIRE HEADMISTRESS, page 4), no doubt with illegally obtained Goblin coins smuggled in boxes of feathers and fabric.[3][4] and we suspect, based on a highly suspicious meeting our staff spied noted from a discreet distance with Hogwarts student  Olivia-Anne Weedwhacker, current student at Hogwarts and goddaughter of renowned novelist and socialite, Dolly St. James (see TURTLEDOVES FOR DOLLY? NOVELIST MARRIES WEREWOLF IN SECRET CEREMONY, page 6), that Gronruck has no doubt conned the beloved socialite into his schemes as well, intending to make Olivia-Anne the champion of the Tetrawizard Tournament for the sake of his own nefarious profits.[5]

It is, here at the Quibbler, our sincere hope that the Ministry and administrators of the tournament will take note of this disturbing revelation. Our hopes that Gronruck’s remaining ties to his wizard family would be strong enough to prevent his turn to traitor appear to be wasted. Keep your eyes and ears open, reader.

--COOPER SMIGGLEWITZ

WANTED ONE PHOTO OF GRONRUCK REDROOTS' GOBLIN EARS: WILL PAY TEN GALLEONS!

1.	(so cute!)
2.	Fashion Rule #3: It's Not Blackmail, it's Business Sense
3.	I Was Never a Diplomatic Diplomat
4.	Beautiful, Dirty, Rich
5.	One Fine Morning All intended in good fun. If you object to anything herein, please PM this account or Deus Deres and it will swiftly be rectified!